Words of Advice.

Jova114Jova114
edited August 2023 in General

Hey cuddlers.
Your friendly neighborhood Jova here.
We all have life affecting us in different ways.
How would you comfort someone going through depression?
What quotes or suggestions do you have that may help them?

Asking for a friend
(He types unconvincingly)

Comments

  • _marC_marC

    Go to counceling. In person or online

  • Jova114Jova114

    @craM Always good. I suggest everyone go to counseling as it is a great place to vent and get professional solutions.
    Good call.

  • [Deleted User]MiamiFisher (deleted user)

    Depression like every other emotion is valid. Talk about it. This whole site is created to allow people to be authentic and safe. If you wanna reach out to me directly please do 24/7. I am really good at listening.

  • Jova114Jova114

    @MiamiFisher thank you very much. I appreciate that. Very kind of you

  • TNNativeTNNative

    How would I try and comfort someone? -> hugs and a listening ear to let them talk about it like @MiamiFisher said above.

    What quotes or suggestions? Treat yourself and speak to yourself as if you were trying to support your best friend, and if you find that difficult, then find a professional you can talk to about why that is difficult.

  • Jova114Jova114

    @TNNative
    "Talking to yourself as if you were trying to support your best friend"
    Very good advice

  • TxTomTxTom

    @Jova114

    Ditto on going to professional counseling. But also, get off the internet and turn off the television. Both can be too much of a wellspring for doom and gloom.

  • BearBear

    Telling them that you’re open to listening to them or helping them in anyway that you are able. They have to be willing to accept help. I’ve always told my friends. I am here for them if they need it. Same on here.

  • Jova114Jova114

    @TxTom
    Those are good. Sometimes the internet feeds my depression this making it stronger.

  • Jova114Jova114

    @Bear and big bear hugs I'm assuming? :)
    But that's good. You're friends are lucky to have you

  • BearBear

    @Jova114 thank you. Yes, always big hugs.

    Want one ?

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
    edited August 2023

    How to help a friend who has depression? On the assumption you mean Clinical Depression ...

    1) Do not offer quotes or suggestions. (Remember that 50% of 'inspirational quotes' are simply lies, and half of those are actively harmful. Others do apply to some people but may not apply to this person.)

    Depression is a fatal condition+, and if the best you can do is offer quotes then I suggest you go and photograph car crash victims at the scene, which you may find more satisfying. Also, somebody trapped under a lorry and bleeding to death in extreme agony may appreciate a quotation or two to cheer them up or help them through the situation.

    +People with long term depression die 15-20 years younger than their peers, even if they don't kill themselves.

    Quotations and the like - good ones - can be very helpful to people who do not have depression, but are going through one of life's lows, which we sometimes call 'being depressed'. The fact that we use the same word to describe two wildly different situations is extremely unhelpful. It's as if we had the same word for a paper cut and an artery being severed. If clinical depression was called something like Death Brain Calamity the world would be a better place.

    2) The main thing is to listen. Ask leading questions of a specific nature. "How are you feeling?" may just annoy them, but something like, "What has been the worst/best moment of the last day or two?" may be more useful.

    3) Practical help can be very useful and is the second most, or sometimes even the most, important thing. Change the sheets, do a load of washing, post a letter ... those little things can be unclimbable cliffs guarded by dragons when you have depression. If you say you are going to do something, you MUST do it ON TIME and to the highest QUALITY and with a SMILE. If you can't do that, then don't offer.

    4) Companionship can be extremely helpful. It's one thing to go shopping or for a walk on your own, it's quite another if somebody is there with you. "Would it help if I came round on Sunday and we went for a walk together? If you don't feel like it on the day we can just hang out here and drink tea, or if all else fails I can go on my own."

    5) Be patient and understanding. It's not reasonable to expect somebody who has had their legs amputated to jump up and get something down from a high shelf: you wouldn't be angry at them for not being able to do it. Similarly, it's unreasonable to expect somebody with depression to do anything, so being angry if they haven't replied to your message, or aren't ready to go on the walk, or whatever, means you are a Bad Person. The best response is, "No worries mate, would it be helpful if I did it? I'm not helping you change your underpants though, you've got to draw the line somewere. 😁"

    6) Show me somebody who

    is wearing good, clean clothes over a clean body
    has eaten a nutrious diet over the last week or two
    has somewhere decent to live
    gets the medicine they need
    and the therapy
    has had fun with other people in the last few days
    has a real friend, prefererably friends
    has recently done some exercise they like
    has spent time outside (not Antartica in winter)
    had a cuddle yesterday
    and sex last week
    isn't any more worried about money than anybody else
    hasn't recently been bereaved or lost their job or anything
    either does or has a free option to do a fulfilling and satisifying job of some kind
    has at least the vague possibility of a romantic entanglement in the distant but foreseeable future
    and whose favourite sports team hasn't lost the last seven games in a row ...

    and I'll show you somebody who, even if they have depression, is on the mend. None of these things can cure depression, but depression does not do well when they are all present. Depression thrives on their absence. If you can help your friend make progress towards just one of these things, you are doing a good thing.

    In the meantime, if you can't physically do something useful for whatever reason, shut the fuck up and listen. Or just sit there and be company in the silence.

    Source: Fourteen years of diagnosed dysthymia* and depression preceded by several years undiagnosed.

    *Look it up like I did (Joke © S. Milligan)

  • Jova114Jova114

    @Bear
    I always want one

  • Jova114Jova114

    @CuddleDuncan
    Thank you for the information. As always your posts educate me.

  • INurturePeaceINurturePeace

    @CuddleDuncan thank you for your thoughtful and helpful suggestions. I appreciate your detailed response.

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne

    Some typical solutions aren’t available to everyone. Counseling is ideal along with medication but both can be expensive and not available to everyone. The suggestions here are also helpful.
    I find that making myself get out to a different environment, around people, and out of my own head is a good start.
    Walking, swimming anything physical help me so much!
    Also I go to a coffee shop first thing and sit, people-watch (without being too obvious) I try to imagine a little bit about them based on what they’re wearing or maybe an expression or what they’re doing.
    I use my imagination and empathy. It helps distract me from my problems, my own sadness and realize that everyone has something going on.
    I’ve had clinical depression for most of my life. I’ve tried every medication & counseling.
    Being outside in nature and around others (kids and animals!) seems to help the most.

  • Jova114Jova114

    @carrieanne I'm sorry to hear you have had it most of your life.
    Getting out and just being out and about is a great suggestion

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited August 2023

    Rather than giving advice, because the internet, this site included, is filled to capacity with self appointed know it alls, the single best thing you can do is to listen. This is not a mental health site and we are not acting in the capacity of mental health therapists. But anybody can shut their mouth and listen .

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    I am like Jon Snow; I know nothing.

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne
    edited August 2023

    Yes but I like Jon Snow and i do know some things. Like last week when I found out about taking enough iron. But @pmvines knows his stuff.

  • KozyKimKozyKim
    edited August 2023

    If that was me and I was depressed, and I had a friend like you( concerned and caring) I would just give him the space and your time to share his heart. I would like someone to say to me share your life with me start from the beginning, anything that you wanna share, because a lot of people don’t feel heard or seen. A lot of people are caring around dark secrets and they feel like if someone really knew me they wouldn’t like me so if you have the ability to be compassionate, understanding, and not judgmental It’s a good first step before talking to a counselor. I do believe in counseling I know it’s helped a lot of people and it’s helped me.. But I also have had friends that have let me share my heart without letting me get too much into a pity party. He’s really blessed to have you.

    Sometimes no advice is needed. If a person gets to share. If you think you have something profound and helpful, you can always say, May I give you some of my thoughts that way they can consent to you saying something and it’s received better. I have two friends that are psychologist, and both of them tell me that I am very intuitive and very helpful. Sometimes you can have a gift to help people without the degree. You can still be a blessing to people just knowing someone cares.

    I do agree though that in the end, it’s good to find a good counselor because they really do have the tools to help.

  • TxTomTxTom

    @Jova114 Listen, you should ask the Mods to lock this thread. We are not mental health therapists, and thus, not qualified to give you any words of advice. I want to apologize for the brazenness I displayed earlier by posting a response to your OP. I hope you ignore what I wrote, and I pray my ignorance didn't cause any harm.

  • MailleweaverMailleweaver

    Find something to do with your hands/body that doesn't require much attention, and don't fill that attention with something else (like music, podcasts, audio books, or background TV). Movement seems to help us think. And thinking without purpose is one of the main ways we process emotions.

    Some example activities: crochet, knit, rake leaves, mop floors, draw, whittle, split firewood, clean/polish tools, mow the lawn (without loud engines if possible), fold laundry, scrub the shower, hike, swim, run, share a cuddle, take a shower, wash dishes. Basically, anything "boring" that's not mentally challenging. Physically strenuous is good. Repetitive is good.

    Stay aware of your thoughts and redirect them when necessary, but otherwise let them wander. While you're doing the thing, think about anything except what you'd rather be doing or how much you don't want to do what you're doing. When you find your mind going an unwanted direction, redirect it at the mechanics of what you are doing: what it feels like to do the thing, move more fluidly, switch hands, do the thing more carefully, etc.

    • Often, depression comes with thought loops. It can be good to let them play out to some degree so the thing behind them can process, but when it becomes clear that they're going nowhere but down, redirect.
    • You may find that you have to redirect your thoughts over and over and over again. That's okay. Just keep doing it... again, and again, and again... And again and again. It's normal to struggle with this. Most people don't have much practice directing their thoughts.
    • If your mind stays stuck on, "I don't want to do this," despite attempts to redirect it, pick a different activity. Your mind can't process anything if it's stuck.
    • Remember that you're not doing this thing to get it done. You're doing it to help your mind and emotions do a little exercise, so it's okay to stop or do something else at any time. Accomplishing something is just a bonus; it's not the goal.
    • If you find yourself emotionally overwhelmed, pause (or stop altogether). You don't have to process everything at once. You don't have to drown. Let the crying out, take a breath, feel your heart race, have a good scream, maybe take another breath -- breathing is good.
    • And you're also allowed to enjoy the moment. If a particularly nice memory draws you in, you can pause to enjoy it. If a particular sensation becomes pleasant (sunshine on your skin, a cool breeze, a nice smell, birds chirping, cicadas droning, the release of stress that comes with physical exhaustion) enjoy it. You can pause for good things (and they make really good stopping points, too).
  • [Deleted User]Kaylise (deleted user)

    Try consistently meditating 5mins a day for atleast a week with an open mind, strictly observing everything. There is so much we do not see and take for granted because everything has our attention but we do not truly look at what goes on within. You wouldn't believe how it grounds you to get into that quiet place and just observe, the things that jump out at you when you make space for them, the feelings that disentangle themselves. Also remember to have grace with yourself, you might find yourself crying. You may realize a revelation. You may also realize how capable you are. You are inherently worthy and capable...it is only the world that may have convinced you otherwise. Be open to finding your strength again.

  • Jova114Jova114

    @pmvines I understand this isn't a mental health site. And from my knowledge no one here is a trained professional.
    I was looking for more "hone remedies" if you will. And I love the feedback.

    That includes you @TxTom .
    What you said was not ignorant. The internet is like a ski mask. Intended fir good but became a tool for bad.
    🤗

  • BearBear

    @Jova114
    Wraps my arms around you and squeezes tight.

  • Jova114Jova114

    @Bear
    Wraps long arms around you and squeezes back!

    This feels nice:)

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery
    edited August 2023

    @Jova114 as @CuddleDuncan mentioned, there's a difference between feeling depressed/down due to life circumstances and clinical depression. @pmvines does in fact know what he's talking about and there is a stickied thread about this site's policy on mental health support.

    That said, in general, there's a lot more qualified resources out there even for self-care, self-therapy, and home remedy style advice. All any of us can do is speak from our own experiences and/or provide links to said resources. Please remember that self-help resources are NOT a substitute for professional medical care, but I fully understand how long it can take to get said professional care in the current system (it took me 4 years to get proper mental health care through Medicaid due to the pandemic and waiting lists). The stickied thread has some linked, but here are some more that have helped me:
    (note: using general "you/your" for whomever reads this and feels it's applicable, instead of the awkward sounding "one/one's". I've gotten in trouble for this in the past, so figured I'd make it clear.)

    • don't forget that even regular general practitioners and family doctors at walk-in clinics and emergency rooms may be able to help for short-term urgent mental health care. Your regular physician can also refer you for mental health services which may expedite the process.
    • you can check for city, county, and state mental health assistance programs in your area. Sometimes the waiting lists are ridiculous, but some areas have walk-in clinics with volunteers who can speak with you without an appointment. It's worth checking at least. They'll also have a list of resources and referral services available as well.
    • teletherapy sites like BetterHelp offer hidden income-based discounts for those in need. You usually have to search their FAQ to find the financial assistance application and may have to reapply every few months
    • if you don't have insurance, you can ask local therapists and clinics about cash discounts, payment plans, and sliding scale
    • check out Meetup.com, Facebook, and other social media sites for local support groups. Sometimes just getting out of the house or online on zoom with people who get it can help

    • Cal Poly Humboldt
      https://wellbeing.humboldt.edu › ...PDF
      Self Care Wellness Toolkit for Depression and Anxiety_for website

    • Centre for Clinical Interventions
      https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au › ...
      Depression Self-Help Resources - Information Sheets & Workbooks

    • Any progress, no matter how small, is still progress. Even just doing one tiny task is more than doing nothing, so if you manage to just do one stupidly, ridiculously simple task towards your goals, give yourself credit! If all you do is brush your teeth, that's better than not! If you only manage to make a to-do list, write one thing you're grateful for, or read one shared article - that's still doing something! Even just reaching out is a step forward. If you're feeling overwhelmed, break everything down into toddler-sized steps and celebrate every step, because life is hard enough without your brain beating you up.

    • While it is ok to not be ok and your feelings are valid, you don't have to believe everything you think. Therapy, and meditation, teach us to create space between having a thought and deciding how to respond to it.
  • CuddleHugs01234CuddleHugs01234

    I will get anxious and depressed after having sugar or sweeteners or white flour or white pasta. It’s called sugar sensitive/sugar addicted. A helpful book on this is called, “Potatoes not Prozac, Revised edition.”
    I hope you find the help you need! Hugs!!!

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