What do you call a happy chipmunk? A chippermunk!
Why did the tomato turn red???
It saw the sald dressing...
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would come down to who is the better cyclist.
Smoking will kill you...
Bacon will kill you...
And yet, smoking bacon will cure it. 🤣
The first time I got a Universal Remote Control I thought to myself, "This changes everything".
A storm blew off 25% of my roof last night.
oof.
What do you call a Magician who's lost his magic?
Ian.. lol
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, wow I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?
Pop, goes the weasel
In Jamaica the cost of a slice of pie is $3.50. In the Bahamas the cost for a slice of pie is $5.50. These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet? Brochure.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
Why are fish easier to weigh than chickens? Because they have their own scales.
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
In my mind, I created a bakery that specializes in Italian desserts.
It's called "I Cannoli Imagine."
Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Windmill 1: What's your favourite kind of music?
Windmill 2: I'm a big Metal fan
A vulture boards an airplane. The flight attendant notices that he has a dead rabbit tucked under his wing. The flight attendant says, 'Excuse me, sir. Would you like to check your rabbit?'
The vulture says, 'No, thanks. It's carrion.'"
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning, and I was getting really annoyed. But then I realized I had left my phone in Airplane mode.
(you might need to be a certain age to get that one ...)
@JargogleBearHug grand-dad jokes? 😇
@lovingspoonfull you're not wrong! 🤣
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
every time I see a ROAD WORK AHEAD sign, I think,
"I sure hope it does!"
Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off......I think someone is stalking me.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Ride Jungle Cruise at Disneyland or Magic Kingdom and the entire ride is dad jokes
“Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that lost the roll of 50 $20.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please report to the turnstile ... we have good news for you. We found your rubber band.”
Why do we say 'slept like a baby'? Babies wake up every two hours crying. I want to sleep like my cat. 14 hours, no responsibilities, zero regrets.
When a girl says "First of all" in an argument. Dude just surrender cause she prepared a Power Point.