Dry heat right @trysdet lol. Grew up in central CA 110+ happens but idk what it is about the sun in nm, tx, az feels way more punishing.
@trysdet
You are supporting autism awareness. Thank you
Explain?
This is not necessarily a question I don't like but when a pro ask what you are looking for in a cuddle session I always find it weird but I understand they want to know if you like talking or silence or a mix of both. But I find it weird to ask it online but I am fine during a session
@IronicMaiden as an autistic person I can tell you sensory issues are very common in the autism community.
@Wilderdude holy cow that's too hot. We are known for our dry heat but that's not always the case. Currently it is pretty darn humid. Maybe not South Florida level but getting there
@trysdet Ah, yes very true. I just didn't know what you were referring to.
Oh well because the op was sure to ask about sensory issues
Accessibility helps everyone 💖
@cuddlefaery its not transphobic. Please shave your head, or be a woman with alopecia - and let me know how that goes. The first time I was ever called the F word was when I was bald, because people again assume that a woman with something other than long hair is not a woman. I allow people to communicate to me if they preferred to be called something different, and call them as they’ve been requested. It would be great if I can state I’m a woman on my profile, that people accept that and respect that. Love men with long hair, love men without hair, I love people. But I’m not transphobic for my lived experience of men on this site asking that due to a lot of fetish issues. I’ve clearly stated who I am, so why question it? Isn’t that the whole point? Trust women? Anyone?
If you’re not comfortable, and want to share that later - thats on you. I didn’t want to cuddle someone who potentially selects me for a fetish, because it’s happened. Trust women right? If you want to announce your gender or sex, go for it - but I don’t need to answer that question to cuddle. You’re not saying “She, can you please trade positions”. You’d be saying, “you”, or “Nikki”.
Edit - TLDR; I do not fear trans people. I fear men who fear trans people and see me as a proxy. In the simplest terms. This is a lived experience, and extraordinarily uncomfortable. Why I dislike this question.
@DarlingNikkii Your karma comments have “she” or “her” like sixty times tho 🤷♂️
Heh, just remembered a question that I didnt like ... the pro said she couldnt find a babysitter and asked if I would be ok if she brought her baby along. "He can sleep in his car seat in another room while we cuddle - he wont be any problem".
Yes, I declined.
Although his questions seem innocent and even considerate, given the context, she, as a pro and someone who has dealt with men fetishizing her because she's currently bald, may have picked up on things that others didn't notice. Asking pronouns can absolutely be a respectful question, but she also has experience recognizing when certain questions may have a different intention behind them. Her reaction came from her own experiences and awareness of patterns she has encountered before. @DarlingNikkii response is valid. She is allowed to trust her own intuition, experiences and boundaries. 💖🫂💖
This person sounds lame anyway, you are a very sweet person for asking
The only question I dislike is someone asking me to wear booty shorts and a tank top….BAN….
@YourFavoriteSir I think the pronoun question would work well in your bio. The fabric/texture and scent questions are probably better asked directly when messaging since they’re more session specific. Up to you of course.
@BellaAine good call, and actually I would say that it accommodates neurodivergence, people with autism are known to have sensitivity to fabrics
@DarlingNikkii I agree that you're not being transphobic. It's a reaction to being a constant target of misogyny, transphobia, and trans fetishism. I'm sorry you experience that. I think you may well be the first person I've seen whose objection to being asked pronouns isn't rooted in transphobia.
There are people, particularly in trans communities, who consider it polite to ask pronouns. Probably more so in text. Though I think more commonly people will introduce themselves with their pronouns and invite you to do the same. Can you think of any compromise, a way to ask that won't bother you?
Ideally, there'd be a pronoun field in the profile, but that isn't there yet. And of course some people would object to it being there.
Wow! So many responses to read. Thank you all for your thoughtful perspectives (and suggestions) on the topic. I will take them all to heart moving forward.
And @DarlingNikkii I also appreciate your response and perspective. Your feelings are valid and I can see how negative past experiences might raise a flag for you.
@cuudledragon Yeah, he has good questions. I think it’s more about the delivery. I try to make mine broader to avoid any misunderstandings. I usually ask, “Do you have any allergies, injuries, or anything that might make you feel uncomfortable?” I used to include “triggers” in the question, but some people would get triggered by it.
I feel 99 percent of the time it's much more appropriate to have a conversation with the person who you have a misunderstanding or disagreement with instead of creating a thread that puts them on blast, or with the intention that they will see it and will knowingly feel a certain way about it. Whether it's framed in a generalized opinion seeking manner or not, these kind of threads always leave me feeling a bit icky, and seem attention seeking.
@pmvines : I didn’t put anyone on blast, nor did I post in the hopes that they would see it and “feel a certain way”. I did not describe them. I did not use a screen name, and kept the post gender neutral. There are thousands (I’m assuming) of users on this site. A very small percentage of them (I also assume) are active on the board. I do not act vindictively even when im hurt. And to be clear, this interaction didn’t upset me or hurt me. I thought it was a valid topic for input from others in the community. As mentioned, I appreciate the perspective and thoughtful responses. They have given me more to think about. End rant…
Doesn't matter if you publicly identified them or not . You posted specific details about your interaction as well as identifying features and you know when you post on here that there is a pretty good chance they will see it and know you're talking about them. They were pretty good at clarifying their feelings about it on here, which means they likely would have clarified themselves via private conversation. This is akin to putting them on blast and people don't have to make a thread every time they don't like an interaction with somebody. I said what I said and I stand by it.
@DarlingNikkii just fyi, I have shaved my head before, and while I don't have autoimmune alopecia, I have had significant hair loss causing visible bald patches and thinning thanks to severe anemia. I have been "accused" of being a trans woman simply because of my height. At no point have I ever been upset about other people asking for my pronouns or accidentally misgendering me. As someone with trans loved ones, people asking my pronouns warms my heart and makes me more inclined to like a person because they are using inclusive language regardless of one's gender. It helps not just transfolk, but also neurodivergent folks.
Also, it should be noted that I did not say you were transphobic for being upset over being asked - I even mentioned earlier in that comment that some people have baggage (aka trauma) over being misgendered. What I said was (with new emphasis for clarification):
At this point, the only logical reason for someone to be offended by pronouns is because of transphobia.
Being offended about being asked for your pronouns is a different issue from being offended that people ask others about theirs or discuss issues about pronouns at all.
I am sorry that you have had those negative experiences, @DarlingNikkii , and absolutely can understand that question putting you on edge. If being asked is a deal breaker for you, that is your prerogative. I have friends who answer the question with "please just use my name" - you're far from the only one to be uncomfortable with being asked or having a pronoun assigned to you without your consent or request. But asking isn't always a red flag for everyone, and I hope you'll someday be able to give some grace to those who ask genuinely because they wish to respect you rather than assume.
(Edit for clarity re: "accused" - I put it in quotations because for me, trans isn't an insult and while people intentionally misgendering me bothers me, honest mistakes have not. I've been privileged enough not to experience any gender dysmorphia, so the intentional weaponization of trans identity only pisses me off on behalf of loved ones rather than wounding me personally.)
Probably more so in text. Though I think more commonly people will introduce themselves with their pronouns and invite you to do the same.
@IronicMaiden this. Perhaps I'm a bit spoiled living in an area and community where asking/offering pronouns or asking for consent has been normalized.🤷🏻♀️ Partially just this being an area that has generally accepted inclusive language in general, and partially because I've made it a point to spend most of my time in inclusive spaces. It's common in my circles for people to have their pronouns in their work email signatures, their social/chat profiles, their name tags. While it doesn't happen in every environment, it's fairly common for people to introduce themselves with their name and their pronouns.
Sure, it was odd at first coming back from the Carolinas to it being so normalized here, but it wasn't any more difficult to adjust to than when I first moved from CA to SC and had to drop "dude/guys" for "ladies". The LGBTQ+ community isn't the only one where gendered language is prominently considered. I'll forever remember the first time a college classmate told me "I'm not a dude, I'm a lady," or when I had to switch up how I was addressing my students to be more inclusive. Coming from NorCal, dude & guys are generally gender neutral.
Ideally, there'd be a pronoun field in the profile, but that isn't there yet.
This would be a lovely addition, since gender labels don't always dictate pronouns - even with the more expansive options offered here. A person can identify as a woman but use they pronouns, or non-binary and use varying pronouns, or any gender and prefer no pronouns.
I find threads like this to be very enlightening. In all manner of forum threads, one fundamental that gets repeated over and over is that one's boundaries need NO justification or explanation. As the saying goes, "no is a complete sentence". Yet Nikki is in the position of having to explain and justify her boundary on this issue. I personally see no reason to justify or explain my boundary - especially when the criticism is that the only reasonable explanation is transphobia or some other manner of bigotry, which is of course false. In almost the same breath we saw at least one poster say something to the effect of "oh, well, yes, Nikki has a good reason".
Believe it or not, a person can have a number of valid reasons for being offended by certain personal questions. I get irate when strangers ask me, for example, how much money I earn or what assets I've accumulated in my lifetime. Inquiries about anything medically related (other than healthcare professionals) are met with a variation of "go to hell".
In my business practice, I will often ask clients some variation of "How do you like to be addressed?" because this covers multiple things (such as professional titles) without assuming ANYTHING about the individual. That's what I understand to be common courtesy.
Either personal boundaries are supposed to be respected or they ain't. Take your pick.
@YourFavoriteSir @DarlingNikkii @LilyAnneNova @IronicMaiden Simple solution: "My preferred pronouns are 'you' and 'me'."
@cuddlefaery thank you for understanding, and I also know a big part I’m being asked these questions is because I live in Seattle. I love Seattle, and many people live here just because out of all the places in the US - we accept, protect, and respect these communities. Trans people have existed forever, and I have an even greater level of respect once I’ve been misgendered time and time again - but only when people think it’s “hurting me”. I often think, I’m bothered because someone called me the F word - but I’m straight, what they’re really doing is attempting to hurt me - and if I were trans or gay I’d be heartbroken. It still breaks my heart that people will use something like a haircut to decide an entire persons identity- especially when it’s so far off.
@Jubal I agree, good discussion. I know there are hundreds of people here - but I’m fairly active for the last 3 years, and it killed me to see the discussion without giving the context. The seattle cuddle community is pretty small, a regular reached out to me about the thread because I’ve shared previous experiences. I am the only bald chick. 🐣
Black Lives Matter, trans rights matter, bald is beautiful. ❤️
@CuddlesToGo That's on par with "Respect my pronouns or yours will be was/were"
@Jubal I did say this is a case where the objection isn't because she's transphobic. Unfortunately, it's the only case I've ever seen, and the root cause is still transphobia. She's been the victim of transphobia because she doesn't look feminine enough according to the gatekeepers of femininity. And when something happens enough times, you start to expect it.
Every other time I've seen someone object to pronouns, it's usually some variation of "pronouns are woke" or they refuse to answer at all. Including and especially people who object to you giving your own pronouns. It's a shame. If they actually had reasons, we could talk through it and come to a solution or at least an understanding.
I get that it's not something you have any need to pay attention to, so you probably only notice people complaining about people complaining about pronouns. But it's okay. You can take my word for it. And don't worry, I'll never refer to you by how much you make (it was quite a silly false equivalence anyway).
It throws me off when people ask me for pics. I have them on my profile. That should be sufficient. We're not here to date. What kind of pics do you want? If head shots aren't good enough I'm sorry. That's all you get.
@BellaAine getting triggered by the word trigger is wild to me, am I wrong for disliking irrational hypersensitivity
I think this matters most when a person is nonbinary, because nonbinary identity can be hard to present clearly for some people, and it may be important to them that it is recognized. So even when you are not using a gendered pronoun in the second person conjugation, it is a gesture of respect to ask for someone's pronouns if it matters to them. This is despite the system being set up to tell you a person's gender in their profile. It's just going out of your way to potentially show someone respect to ask for their pronouns.