I tried to see if there was a thread on this already and if someone knows, please point me there.
I'm new, have had just one cuddle, which was lovely. I've been doing a lot of corresponding and feel good about my screening skills, but some of the things I hear on here give me the willies.
I just reported someone with a screenshot of our exchange and he got banned immediately (thank you - it's nice for a woman to feel that kind immediate protection). I'm writing here for a bit of support and company with it, and also to model it because my sense is people may sometimes be afraid to report. I felt a duty to for others who might have a harder time drawing the boundary and for whatever harm he might do with his sloppy boundaries in the future. It sounded like he had had multiple experiences of things going sexual with women and that he felt that it was "only fair" to respond if that's what they wanted. He was preparing me to know that that was on the table should I be interested. I immediately reported him without responding, though it wasn't a pleasant experience to report someone at all, never mind someone who has been on the site longer than me.
I get the feeling that there are a few different types of folks on here, including the career cuddlers (not pro) who just get the platonic thing, and then those who hope it goes sexual, and those who are actually actively seeking for it to go that way. I'm curious how much that is happening, and what the boundary is. As long as someone isn't soliciting that, or covertly or overtly pushing things that way in person, what's the line between inappropriately going sexual and consensually going sexual? Is it just a conversation, hey, looks like we're attracted to each other, shall we take this to another level? I feel unsafe in any case feeling like someone is going to meet up with me hoping it will turn sexual and relying on me to hold the whole thing rather than mutually holding it.
Would appreciate comments from anyone who is moved to share their experience or input.
@littermate I am going through a similar situation. I just had a cuddle session with someone. During the session he said that people will take what is offered. I thought I shut that down pretty well, but the next day he texted me asking for more. The only difference is, I am a pro. People will push boundaries to try to get more from you. Luckily the mods are quick to ban any of the inappropriate behavior when you report but it can be frustrating and disheartening for new cuddlers (pro or enthusiast) like us. Most of the guys I have talked to have been gentlemen. But it makes me skittish of meeting new people.
Thanks @taulkat and sorry about that. I can only imagine what you pros must field. It's sort of AMAZING how on different planets we can be sometimes gender-wise. I feel for the guys somewhat in terms of how their conditioning is SO different from ours and they are offered little to no touch culturally aside from having sex held out as the panacea, and have little to no practice at negotiating closeness but it does get old. I imagine the banned person will just sign back up with a new bio and be more careful. It makes me skittish too, after having just one (amazing) cuddle on here. Is it worth all the work of screening and negotiating when at any moment I might get unwanted attention? No wonder there are so few non-pro women on here. Basically fellows, this is work! Not to cuddle you, that's a delight, but to field your inappropriateness and put our bodies (and hearts) on the line. It's a sad thing for the men out there who are able to understand us and be sensitive and ethical - they end up paying for their brothers' sloppiness.
Just so I understand here...if a guy admits that he wouldn't turn down a woman wanting to have sex with him once they were cuddling...he would get banned? It doesn't matter if he respects or obeys a woman's boundaries..he has to also turn down her wanting to have sex?
The irony is I knew a non pro woman on here who wanted to have sex...when I told her why don't we just try platonic cuddling, she said that would be boring.
@littermate I've had people come to my place wanting to have sex or get me naked or they wanted to touch me innapropriately or wanted me to touch them innapropriately and I reported them. Once I say no, No means No! That doesnt mean ask to do other things that are sexual, and that doesnt mean ask again or try to persuade me. Like NO!
It should always be a conversation. An honest conversation. Communication is very important. But I run through a list of red flags to see if I have to check any off. If I'm uncomfortable in any way big or small I don't meet up with them. If they dont understand NO then I don't meet up with them.
If two people mutually desire to become more than cuddle buddies that's their choice. But wanting to cuddle with someobe solely because you see them as a potential sex partner is a reason to be banned.
I agree with your 3 types of people. The desire to meet someone from the site should stem from intentions to just be platonic. That's what the site is only for.
Ladies and Gentlemen: (1) If you're uncomfortable speak up! (2) If someone is being innapropriate speak up! (3) Never feel bad for speaking up because your words matter and they can help keep others safe too!
P.S. I had someone who wanted me to touch him innapropriately and I said no and he decided to leave. When I woke up, I went back to sleep as he left 5am from an over ight cuddle session, I realized he blocked me. I decided to block and report him (1) because he wanted things to end nonplatonic, (2) no other cuddler deservws6 that treatment, (3) he could have had me banned when he was the one in the wrong, and I would have been out of a good thing if I had no spoken up as soon as I did.
Cuddling should be fun, but with all the gross people in the world we have to make sure to play it safe and speak up at all times.
To all, as a man who has been with many pros. I always allow the pro to set the ground rules and tell her "she's the boss" and says whatever goes. I have never asked a pro. to do more than what they are comfortable with, and don't see you as toys that I can rent for a few hours and not human.
I wish this would be a rule with all clients. You are human, and don't deserve to be treated as something less!!!!
@melancholy before even meeting the fellow he said "I might want more if you're open and interested." To me that's violating the spirit and rules of the site. Happy to be corrected if I"m mistaken.
Great conversation, good points so far. I just don’t want this to go much further without pointing out a part of the reason men may behave this way is because many have been in situations that turned out sexually in this site.
I know thats not what many men or women expect but there are a few that do.
I think that it’s just worth noting it’s not only creep men on here. I’ve had dialogue with some that make it clear what’s on the table if i desired, as well as that a price might be attached.
I haven’t had and cuddle that turn out that way, but I’ve also had conversations that i felt, clearly that the lady assumed i was seeking more than platonic. I wasn’t.
These conversations make me uncomfortable when i do my best to not approach these situations and make everyone comfortable. I think it’s unfair that some men (meaning me) are assumed to be the type seek sex in in welcoming situations.
Those are my thoughts
@melancholy he texted me the next day after the session to ask for a sexual relationship. That is reportable. As is asking to make the session sexual in general. Hinting that you would take what is offered is just a red flag. But I straight up told him that I only offer platonic cuddling and do not offer extra.
@melancholy it is also against the rules for a pro to offer those extras and to make advances to take things further than platonic touch.
Thanks @BashfulLoner. I hear you about how it can be also challenging and edgy for guys.
Yes, for sure women can be the boundary pushers too and it sounds like all kinds of stuff happens on this site. I've had lots of wonderful experiences exchanging with men, loved some of the shares on the forum by men, and had one spectacular cuddle with a man. As a woman, I am pretty open and trusting in general, but I'm also aware of what can happen and what does happen. This is a loaded area emotionally between women and men and I'm trying to be respectful and fair, while also respecting the rules of the site.
I'm also interested in the grey areas here. It seems the spirit of the site is to cuddle platonically, but that there are peeps on the site who are actually hoping it will go sexual and signing up with that as the goal. I feel largely unsafe with those sorts. I don't mind if they are attracted to me, I don't mind being attracted to them, I don't mind cuddling with that in the space. What I do mind is snuggling with someone I think is able to snuggle platonically who at any moment might push a boundary with me. That not only feels unsafe, it feels annoying and a big reason why a good thing can turn into a pain in the ass thing that I leave. If men want women to stay here, they need to get with the spirit of the site. (And the women too, though it's often different due to the size and strength of men - an advance from someone smaller and weaker than you is different than an advance from someone bigger and stronger than you.) I also feel responsible to the younger, perhaps less-able-to-set-boundaries women on the site.
The site is only for platonic cuddling.
If a woman propositions a man for sex and he says yes, then I'd say they are both breaking the rule of the site. Asking for sex is against the rules here. While they are free to do so, doesn't change the fact that they break the rule. And then that man going around letting women know "that he doesn't mind (being offered) sex" is too at the very least shady. I'd go as far as to say it's grooming, and manipulative. If he wants sex and would accept it then there are many platforms he can look for. This isn't one of them.
"As long as someone isn't soliciting that, or covertly or overtly pushing things that way in person, what's the line between inappropriately going sexual and consensually going sexual? Is it just a conversation, hey, looks like we're attracted to each other, shall we take this to another level?"
For better or worse, I don't think you'll get completely honest answers to this question. Since basically anything to do with sex in a meeting arranged on the site is against site rules, and as you've seen a person can get banned for suggesting it might be a possibility... you're not going to get a bunch of people describing how they think sex should happen between site members.
'And then that man going around letting women know "that he doesn't mind (being offered) sex" is too at the very least shady. I'd go as far as to say it's grooming, and manipulative'
Look, I get that this is against site rules, and you are perfectly within your rights to end the conversation with this person and report him if you want to. But calling this "grooming" is way, way over the top. You are an adult. Another adult just honestly told you what he was interested in. He is in no way compelling you or tricking you into participating.
@Lovelight thanks for the clarity about the rules. It felt off to me based on my understanding of the intention and container of the site, but I didn't feel like he was a bad man or that I was a victim. Actually it was probably more honest than some would be who feel the same but keep it covert.
I didn't feel groomed. I didn't feel manipulated. I thought about saying no thank you and moving on but it felt like a violation of what the site was about and that he was on actually looking for sex. I was thinking of those women who are on here (I'm not one of them) healing from abuse and wanting non-sexual safe spaces. To have a guy holding you masquerading as a platonic rule-follower who is interested in steering things in a sexual direction might not be what a woman has bargained for. I will also say that even when we're adults, we can have vastly different capacities to set boundaries. Some women freeze, get mute and scared, go along with stuff. Sure, they probably should get some therapy for that, but still. For all the work that these founders and moderators have done to be clear about the purpose and nature of the site, it seems fair to do my part to uphold it. I especially think so because I think a site like this is super valuable and the more one can trust that it is in practice what it states it is in intention, the more likely you are going to have non-pro women cuddlers on here.
Maybe my reporting was over the top and I should have let him continue finding women to sleep with through this site. Maybe I'm a stickler for rules and maybe most everyone else is on the same page that softening in practice the stated boundaries of the site is cool, but it didn't feel right. It felt right to report. It's one thing to meet me, cuddle with me, tell me he's attracted to me and am I interested in relating in other ways, but it didn't feel right as part of setting the stage for platonic cuddling to be preparing me for the possibility of sex.
Good point on the unlikelihood of an open discussion. I was just hoping for a more clear sense of the rules around this grey area and you guys have answered it for me.
I don’t comment here often but I will say that in my experience- and this is ONLY my experience- probably 70-80% of the messages I get seem to be people implying or incinuating they want more than just a cuddle. I nip that in the bud really quick with those people and let them know that’s not an option. But I also have had some great experiences cuddling and met some wonderful people as well. It comes with the territory I guess. I try to vet potential clients and screen for things that are out of the ordinary or sexual innuendos before I allow them to book, though. Overall I love cc though!
I always try to include in my initial conversation that this is 100% platonic. But some people will always try to cross those boundaries.
@littermate I don't think manipulation of the rules to fit their agenda has much to do with how you feel about it. You might not feel they are being manipulative. Though by putting sex and the possibility of it on the table like that, saying things like "if you're up for it we can do it, or I am also open to that" is virtually no different from saying "wanna do that?" They are just trying to play nice and pretend to be following the rules: when in fact they are doing the opposite. As you say, it is problematic. This site is only for platonic cuddles. They want more? Open to more? Whatever? There are plenty of other places they can go to for more. Just because someone asks another, and is breaking the rules "nicely" doesn't mean they aren't going against the rules. Which because some are doing it "nicely" some, especially women feel that men (people) like that aren't breaking the rules. While also some wait until they can develop (even a bit of) emotional connection, before they start trying to push boundaries/break rules. Because at times it's also difficult for some to call out someone they had some emotional connection with.
@cuddleanurse Thank you. I've had mostly good experiences so far (1 cuddle, many conversations) and this one wasn't that bad. Perhaps it's because of my age or my lack of photo (I furnish it privately when it seems to be a good idea), I get fewer insinuations. And maybe I'm a purist, but I like when the practice adheres to the rules. I think part of the reason there are so few non-pro women on here is the extent that it doesn't (and the degree to which women in general mistrust the capacity of men to participate in platonic cuddling). And that takes everyone really.
@taulkat I have it spelled out in my profile, but yes, good idea to restate.
@Lovelight exactly why I reported. I totally hear you. Thank you.
@mb0 is correct. You will never hear the truth. Why would egregious violators ever spill their truths on the forum?
Indeed. Wasn't looking for that so much as to hear people's experience and get some input @FunCartel. Mission accomplished.
Three types is correct, met all three.
I won't give karma to rule pushers and boundary breakers.
It takes two to keep it platonic, basic human nature will cause one or both parties to become aroused when in certain positions that's nature. How each person chooses to handle it makes the session enjoyable or regretful.
I've had a few men tell me he had every intention of being platonic but she started it so basically he had no choice but to go sexual with her.
Wrong, pretty sure you weren't tied down, drugged, or had a gun held to your head. If the woman gets carried away why does the man have to follow!
Men, you can also report the women as well!
I'll report them, love Grandma.
@Lovelight I think you're missing a key point though. As long as your intentions for being here are platonic cuddling you're fine. But once you meet someone, if you want to get married and have kids together...that's your right. If you meet the woman or man of your dreams through this site that's perfectly fine, as long as that wasn't your reason for messaging someone in the first place.
Setting aside the rules of this site, I can see how the physical and emotional intimacy of cuddling can result in unexpected feelings and desires. And I see nothing wrong with two cuddle partners forming whatever relationship they like. But that is something that should be discussed after the cuddling has ended and they have parted company.
No woman should ever feel pressured to do or allow anything sexual, and no man should feel obligated to respond to a woman's advances. And the best way to ensure this doesn't happen is to keep to the rules. No discussions of sex during or before a cuddle session, no suggestions, implications, or inferences that any "extra services" may be available, expected, or welcomed. And of course, absolutely NO wandering hands.
If two people are cuddling and one or both feel an emotional connection or desire for sex, that discussion can take place another time once passions have cooled. We all want to feel safe when cuddling. And realistically, the men here carry the greater responsibility to help the women stay safe, and feel safe.
@Lev136 I've had that too and I'm not a pro ( I believe I wasn't approved because I was charging too little smh). I love that approach to be honest!
i totally agree! I've cuddled with men who mentioned having the same issues with women not wanting to be platonic so I made sure to mention both men and women.
Dear @ParadOx ,
To report ? Or not to report ?
In the example described by the Thrread starter , the advance was off the git go , pretty much reportable .
But how about after you have met and cuddled for a while ? Concerning the cuddler who made such unwelcome and unwanted advances , well their longetivity on this website , is in the hands of the other . How intense and or persistent is the suggestion ? How much of a danger to you or the community are they you might consider . You might be able to dismiss such advances as poor judgment .
Lookout for inappropriate or shady looking photos and then proceed.
Most women don't do this but some do seem to have provocative and revealing photographs and this IMHO is asking for issues. When you see a profile, ask yourself if you'd expect such photos on a chiropodist, vets or accountants profiles. Some are using sexuality to get bookings and are surprised when the man takes it as an invitation to ask for more! No woman should ever be assaulted and boundaries should always be respected but the woman does need to be careful and protect herself and take basic precautions. Also, if you are even 1% unsure then the booking isn't worth the risk.
@notcuddledyet agreed. Some fellows seem though to automatically sexualize anything attractive. Bless their hearts, too much time relating to porn and the media, rather than real women.
@littermate yes but I have come across profiles that would sail close to the wind. They aren't pictures you'd put on your profile if you were advertising as a tax accountant! Low cut tops, tight, short skirts and seductive posses. I understand they bring in the bookings but...