Cuddling with someone who's already in a relationship



  • [Deleted User]megan77 (deleted user)
    edited February 8

    I can see how this can be a controversial topic on here. It has been made very clear that the cuddling services on this site is for platonic therapeutic benefits only. It is a great service to provide. Cuddling and receiving deep pressure hugs can regulate your sensory system decreasing anxiety; we release oxytocin when we have close physical contact. I can see where physical contact takes on an intimate persona causing us to judge the morality of it being a betrayal in a marriage. We usually get our need for physical contact ( yes need; our immune systems weakens and depression sets in without it) most often from our significant others. We mustn't forget that people also cuddle up to their parents, their children, as young girls and sometimes even as women we snuggle up to our close girlfriends to giggle and tell secrets. There is something very powerful about a hug and we don't have to place a sexual connotation on that.
    Some on here who are married express that they are no long getting their need for physical contact met for whatever reason that may be. Maybe their spouse is getting more physical contact than she needs through caring for their children ect... This is them sharing why the need is there despite having someone in their lives daily that they love who should be able to meet their needs. I don't feel it is our place to judge others personal relationships. We are just providing physical contact in a platonic nurturing manner that will give great benefits to giver and receivers mental and physical health making us better people for everyone in our lives.

  • I understand both sides. I realize it is platonic because it is something i engage in. However i also realize can be quite an intimate act of showing affection and connection with someone and it is also something that people who are sexually involved with each other do. If you came home from work and told your wife or husband that you met somebody online, got a room or went to their place or they came to your home that you share with your spouse, changed into sleep clothes, and hugged, squeezed, petted, and massaged each other for a few hrs (and paid them for this if it is a pro who you were seeing), then the other person would have to be very understanding and very secure with themselves and your relationship to just be ok with it. It is naive to think otherwise.

  • Even if the 2 people are in a platonic cuddling "relationship", either may find it hard to accept their partner cuddling someone else.

  • @hugonehugall Yes, a pro is suppose to be open to cuddle anyone (AS LONG AS THEY ARE HONEST ABOUT WHO THEY ARE) as long as they have successfully gone through that pro’s vetting process. I am definitely not saying there are pros who wouldn’t just turn down a married client and use another excuse to not cuddle them, I am sure anything is possible. If they have had issues with married clients I am sure they will “vet” them accordingly and make a decision based on their own comfort level. I hope I properly answered your question.

  • edited February 9

    I'm just not talking about myself, I'm pretty sure others as well. I'm a wheelchair user and I can't really defend myself. But if I was being attacked, I don't know what would I do, and probably the Cuddler would not do much. If you know what I mean!

  • [Deleted User]megan77 (deleted user)

    That's a great point pmvines. I'm sure it must be very stressful and heartbreaking for the ones who need to seek physical contact like the need to cuddle from someone other than their significant other. Especially for those who are still very much happily in love with their partner and understand why they are unable to give them the physical touch that they need. I agree that it would have to be a hard pill to swallow to know that you aren't meeting all of your intimate partners needs and they are getting this from a stranger possibly paying for it. I believe it is a bad situation all around and a person definitely should weigh their need for physical contact verses the possible damage to their relationship if honest communication about needs wasn't expressed to each other.

  • edited February 8

    @memberofLSD take @grouchos example above .... “ the SO knows where she is down to the room number. “. I’m assuming he means hotel room number . If you hear fists banging on the door you don’t open and ask through the door “who is it ?”
    “ that’s my wife your with” you hear , so you say ...
    “ I don’t believe you slide your ID under the door so I know “, then you call hotel security

  • Oh, @DarrenWalker - please don't try to out grammar a writer. You cannot win. Conversely, YOU don't understand context. You're so eager to accuse everyone of having a romantic or sexual attraction that you ignore the very clear context of what was being said. The OP's very obvious intent was pointing out a potential relationship with the cuddler and a SO, NOT with the OP and the cuddler.

    Your continued desire to argue about it just demonstrates how much you enjoy being negative and a forum bully.

  • @StoryDoctor1138 and @DarrenWalker

    Maybe you’d both like to take this outside? I’ve created another thread for you to argue in, assuming you are both enjoying yourselves. It’s called “outside”.



  • @StoryDoctor1138

    For the record, @DarrenWalker may enjoy a good back and forth discussion, but being a bully is not a valid charge.

  • edited February 8

    Thanks, @HoldenCaulfield! I'm heading over there right now.

    Edit: Link to my next piece of explanation/argument added.

  • @Groucho I've seen Darren at work sniping at posters, presuming their answers and then continually pecking at them as if they answered the way Darren "suspected" (but in fact they never did). Sorry, bullying IS a valid charge; I've confirmed it in action here in the forums (Darren tried it on me but failed), and I know for a fact I'm not the only one who feels that way.

  • @HoldenCaulfield Thanks, but no. Not interested in holding a grudge match for your enjoyment.

  • edited February 8

    @StoryDoctor1138: Ah... you'd prefer to continue to derail this thread. Well.

    Bringing it back to the original topic, safety in cuddling is not only a matter of making sure you know who your buddy is and they know who you are, it's also a matter of making sure you both know who might turn up during, and being certain to let that person (or those people) know what's up.

    Communication! It saves relationships of all types (and lives of all types, too).

  • edited February 8


    This post has been edited, so that the thread isn’t more derailed. Please do check out the “Outside” thread here.

  • In "3 Men and a Baby" Steve Gutenberg's character is asked by two people about his relationship.
    He tells the woman, that it is open, that he and his partner both see other people ; he tells the man, that he and his partner are very strictly monogamous.

  • last pro-cuddler i met up with, has present partner, whom she's not getting on well with & he's not aware of her cuddling men that's not him. I believe she says she's doing paid house cleaning instead

  • @DarrenWalker pays close attention to how people phrase things, pointing out the potential underlying assumptions that are carried in the words they use.

    Some people are precise communicators; others are not. However, the phrase "already in a relationship" does imply, unless the OP was rather clumsily communicating, that the OP sees the cuddling thing as a precursor to "relationship." Only the OP can really tell us which it is. Having been very close to an imprecise communicator, I can vouch for the fact that how they say things isn't always what they are meaning to say, and sometimes getting hung up on their wording can prevent actual communication from happening.

    I see @DarrenWalker as precise, logical and literal, with a penchant for focusing on detail--at times detail that is beside the main point of the question (and perhaps unwilling to let anything that looks like confusing cuddling with "relationship" pass by ever). That can derail the OP's central point and take the thread for an unwanted ride.

    But bullying? Hmmmm.

  • edited February 9

    @megan77 @pmvines
    Exceptionally well worded comments! Thank you both.

    I embody this situation: My love language is physical touch - I scored 12 points on it. My partner scored 1 point for physical touch. She doesn’t need it, I do.

    Here is how I have handled it. I accept her as she is. She doesn’t have to change to satisfy my need. She understands my perspective and desire for cuddling. I go to cuddle with other women, and she knows when and where.

    It’s not easy for her to deal with, but she wants me to be happy, so she supports me. Just yesterday she commented that I seem happier since I have started my cuddling adventures, and she’s right. We are in a better place than 6 months ago when I sought all my cuddling from her - and was often pushed away - and she felt bad about not meeting my needs.

    It was a difficult conversation to have, but I’m glad I mustered the courage to have it. We discussed it before I did any cuddling with anyone else. Honesty has never failed me. As time goes on, it’s easier for us to understand and accept our differences in a healthy way, and it has made our relationship stronger.

  • How about the partners arranging to do something individually enjoyable ( but not to the other ) at the same time, "You cuddle, I'll skydive".
    That way neither will feel the other is selfishly getting only their own needs met. And the other partner won't suddenly drop in, or perhaps they might if they are skydiving.

  • You missed my point, along with many others, @storydoc. I created that thread so I wouldn’t have to sit by and watch a substantive thread sidelined by bickering and name-calling. I think when bystanders ask people to take an argument outside, it’s acceptable to either do that, or to let it drop. But by continuing to play out the interpersonal friction inside, we force bystanders to tacitly condone behavior by their silence or to jump Into the fray. Neither course of action is likely to de-escalate the situation. This is especially true, in my estimation, once bullying is alleged.

    I assure you I do not enjoy watching or participating in arguments. I have poor stress responses and am easily triggered by perceived hostility. Along those lines, I find your “hahaha no” meme derisive and unnecessarily hostile to a good faith suggestion that might help promote civility.

  • @HoldenCaulfield You have poor stress responses? I'm sorry to hear that, I wouldn't have guessed.

  • edited February 9

    I've done it with both those in relationships and aren't in a relationship , don't have a problem with it either way. If the woman is taking care of my needs,she feels the same and the cuddle is going well , what's the big deal?

    amateurs can be so immature“

    @ElGuero I don’t think this was necessary.

    @MrPaul forgive me if I am wrong but I believe this is the “attack.”

    This is why threads get derailed. If a new cuddler cannot come here and ask questions and not get attacked by vets what are we showing new cuddler. We are definitely not saying they can come here for advice. It’s not up to anyone but the OP to determine the validity of their questioning. If someone wants to point out that it may be misunderstood because of grammar issues I think it’s ok as long as it doesn’t feel like an attack on the OP.

  • @HoldenCaulfield

    "Triggered" !? You're 50.

  • I’m 50. I also have PTSD. Glad you’re perfect, Groucho.

    Keep it up.

  • As for you, @StoryDoc, the sarcasm is unnecessary and not helpful if you are trying to have a substantive conversation.

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