@CuddleWho I edited my comment to make my intent more clear. Otherwise it could be read as me having a problem with it. I too like cuddling people I find physically attractive, especially larger bodies. Not only because I am physically attracted to larger bodies, but because they're squishy and make me feel surrounded. More surface area for contact too. As a pro though, I see both sides of the coin, and I advocate more strongly for one over the other, mainly because part of my work is breaking the marriage between cuddling and sex/relationships.
@Catloaf: Ah, but you see, evolutionary biology dictates that people with lots of resources get the best partners and proliferate their genes most successfully! So if there's a building with lots of resources in it, obviously you have to rob it!
Evolutionary biology also dictates that places well-fertilized by human dung are the best for growers of broccoli. (Note that it doesn't actually tell people how to plant broccoli.)
I don't make the rules.
@GracieGirl oh yes! But that is for another site 😇
Evolutionary biology also dictates that cats rarely meow at other cats. It was a trait that came about as an attempt at communicating with humans. Ergo cats essentially mimic the cries of human babies to get what they want. This is a species we need to keep close, close eye on. Damn that evolutionary biology. It's not moving quick enough! Cats in parliament, now!
There’s still a lot of blaming, shaming, and naming going on here— blaming him for not finding a cuddle partner, shaming him for his desires, and naming (labeling) his thoughts based on how you construe his words. I understand that a lot of men abuse women, and I sympathize with the anger both men and women feel about this. But not every thread of this kind is the place to vent all your frustrations and place all your anger on one person. We don’t need scapegoats here.
The OP’s reasons for wanting to cuddle with certain women and not others are the exact same reasons other men here have given for wanting to cuddle with women instead of men. I have read posts from men who say there's a certain electricity in cuddling with someone you find attractive and not acting on it. I get that too! I get more of a sense of electricity cuddling with men, and I have not acted on it, nor have my male cuddle partners. Sure I'd like to see more men cuddle with men, but I'm not going to shame them for not wanting to do so.
Please let's be kind to each other.
@nurturingman Awesomely worded!!! Happy that you used much empathy/insight to relate with many different types of people, using your experiences and thier expressed experiences!😁❤️😎🤗
@nurturingman
Thanks for that comment, well said.
blaming him for not finding a cuddle partner, shaming him for his desires
Indeed. Although I fully recognize that many men come to this forum and voice their frustrations in an abrasive way, often I see their core message as being essentially "no one wants to be close to me and that makes me sad."
I would think that's something we could all have a little empathy for.
But instead there are inevitably tons of responses by people who have almost never in their life had that problem (ie, women) piling on and telling the man what a jerk he is and that his problems are his own fault. It's pretty disgusting.
Yeah, honestly I didn't see anything in the op original post or anything else he said that suggests he's a pig or anything. He may not have worded it the best as some have suggested, however, he seems like a pretty normal, intelligent dude that is just new to the site and a little frustrated with how difficult it is to get a response. That's really the main premise here, and not and unfamiliar phenomenon. I'm fairly new as well and also struggling to get responses, even from pros. I had a date set up with an enthusiast, but it fell through. Still trying to reschedule. Now, I'm pretty damn patient and understanding so I haven't run to the forums to ask for advice yet. And probably never will. I'll either figure it out on my own, or get frustrated and leave. But if anyone has any more constructive advice for the op, please offer it. Otherwise we should probably just go ahead and drop this string. I do wish we could all be a little bit more understanding, and helpful as opposed to being judgmental and combative. Everybody is not an eloquent poet and everyone doesn't always word things correctly. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt.
Thanks, @SuperManCuddles and @CuddleWho . (And, while I’m at it, belated thanks to @GracieGirl for her reply yesterday).
@CuddleWho I resonate with this:
often I see their core message as being essentially "no one wants to be close to me and that makes me sad."
I wouldn’t go so far as to say this:
people who have almost never in their life had that problem (ie, women)
Just as we don’t know enough about each man to make assumptions about him, we don’t know enough about each woman to say that they’ve never had the problem many of the men have complained of; in fact, I would say I hear women saying something similar to what you hear the men saying, but with these changes:
“too many men want to be close to me in ways I don’t want and that makes me mad.”
(I used the word mad as in “angry,” not “crazy.” And from psychology I understand that behind mad is often sad.)
No, but see, here's the thing: it's the underlying attitude that's creating a lot of the problem. You think people can't tell when you only want to cuddle with them on account of you think they're reasonably sexually attractive and you wouldn't want to cuddle with them without that sexual spark?
Sure, there are some people on here who are great with that! But most of them are men! Why? Because most men don't have trauma associated with sex! Rape mostly happens to female-bodied types!
A huge fraction of the women on here are drawn to platonic cuddling because it's capital P Platonic. It's safe (or it's supposed to be).
They can shine without worrying about being attacked (or so it seems).
And then men who want to be sexually attracted to their buddies, who want to get a sexual charge out of being close to them... these men message these women, and are surprised when they don't get a response. It's threatening, dude. You're throwing red flags. I know you don't mean to be, but pay attention when people tell you what you're doing, at least.
They know what they're doing isn't working. They want to get cuddles, right? So why the heck won't they listen to the successful men telling them how it's done?
Drop the attitude. Go for platonic cuddles—yes, strictly platonic cuddles. They exist.
You'll have to pay people to put up with even a hint of the other.
...Unless you cuddle men....
Well, you're right, it does involve making some assumptions. But the fact is the women I know almost inevitably and effortlessly have more attention from the opposite sex than they know what to do with, while the men I know... don't.
Yes, many women do have that problem, and that's a real issue. But it's a different issue, and it clearly doesn't necessarily lead to much empathy for the problem men are more likely to have.
@DarrenWalker
And then men who want to be sexually attracted to their buddies
Look, I promise you that:
I know men are more likely to hammer this point and phrase it in dumb ways, but if you think men are the only ones who care about their cuddle buddy's appearance... you are mistaken.
I really think the problem with OP's post is almost entirely about how he's phrasing it. He shouldn't be using the word "sexual" at all, it's just distracting from his point. All he's really saying is that he wants a cuddle buddy who's at least roughly in his physical attractiveness range and isn't too much older than him. Most people have these preferences most of the time. This should not be controversial.
@DarrenWalker You're absolutely right. Some men might think it's okay to approach us for cuddling so they can get a sexual charge they know they won't act on, but they don't seem to realize that we can tell and it is threatening as hell.
(You know that feeling you get when a stranger is approaching you on the sidewalk to ask for money, as opposed to asking for directions? It's a lot like that. I can't speak on behalf of all women, but I know many of us have a sixth sense for it, even online, with nothing but text to go by.)
If you're giving off sexual signals to female enthusiasts, you're probably not gonna have much luck getting responses or cuddles on here.
@squeakytoy: [nod, nod] Yeah, I know that feeling. It's not magic or anything! It's just social awareness (which I do lack to a certain extent—but even I can tell a panhandler).
I've got six sisters, and we've talked a lot, growing up and as adults.
I know some women haven't had traumatic sexual experiences. I know some men (and intersex folks) have. But on balance? Female and female-presenting people are way more likely to have a hair trigger when it comes to sexual threat.
And I gotta say: man, woman, or other, I think anybody here who cuddles for a sexual charge is on the wrong website.
I’ve been following this thread for a couple days and decided I would chime in on a couple points that have been made. 1. The OP is perfectly free to set whatever standards he chooses no matter how narrow in his search for whatever he deems the perfect cuddle partner for him. We all have certain parameters for finding a cuddle partner so why would he be any different. It doesn’t mean he has nefarious motives he’s just decided that he’s going to be extremely picky. One of two things will happen if continues to have a lack of success , he’ll either broaden his search scope or he’ll realize that that what he’s looking for is not on CC and he’ll leave. 2. The OP should have never said “ lowering his standards “ In regards to cuddling someone outside his set preferences. That was certainly an offensive comment no matter how you slice it !! They’re not your cup of tea fine but it doesn’t mean anyone else that decides to cuddle them is “lowering themselves “ by choosing to do so. And if I was someone you decided to cuddle me and at some point you let it slip that you thought you were basically slummin it by being there with me I would jump in your ass with both feet while showing you the door. 3. I know there’s strong opinions about this that have been voiced already but there’s nothing wrong with thinking the person you’re cuddling with is an attractive person. We have friends we consider to be attractive, co workers , so on & so on is it so wrong that someone we choose to cuddle with is attractive in our eyes ? Nobody in this world is walking around with blinders on and I’m not saying whether you find your potential cuddle partner easy on the eyes should be the only factor but what’s wrong with it being included in your decision making process. Especially if you’re a male on this site and you’ve decided you’re going to spend money on hiring a pro and don’t you have ultimate autonomy on how you spend your money and who you spend it on ? So yeah if it makes you feel better to spend $100 an hour to cuddle up with what you consider a good looking person what harm was done ? As long all boundaries were respected during the process who cares ? And why do people feel the need to be critical about the decision making process of others ? But anyway Ultimately the OP needs to remember if he wants to have any success going forward that this isn’t a Madden video game or a cuddle version of the SIMs where you get to build your perfect cuddler from scratch.
@hugonehugall: I would just like to note (again) that there are different types of attraction. You can be drawn to people in many different ways. A problem only arises if you're sexually attracted to someone you're supposed to be cuddling platonically.
I'm replying to this bit of your comment:
...there’s nothing wrong with thinking the person you’re cuddling with is an attractive person. We have friends we consider to be attractive, co workers , so on & so on is it so wrong that someone we choose to cuddle with is attractive in our eyes ? Nobody in this world is walking around with blinders on and I’m not saying whether you find your potential cuddle partner easy on the eyes should be the only factor but what’s wrong with it being included in your decision making process.
A problem only arises if you're sexually attracted to someone you're supposed to be cuddling platonically.
I suspect this is probably not really what you mean to say. Men are generally sexually attracted to many, many women. Do you really think it's a problem if one is sexually attracted to one's cuddle buddy? If so, the large majority of pro cuddlers are going to be off limits for most men.
I would just like to note (again) that there are different types of attraction.
This is why I think the problem is really just OP's phrasing and use of the word "sexual," not his actual intent.
@DarrenWalker saying or commenting that someone is physically attractive does not always automatically equate to a sexual attraction. Again I have coworkers that if someone asked I would say “ Yes they are a good looking person or an attractive person “ but doesn’t mean I have any desire to start a sexual relationship with them or even a romantic one . It just means yeah … they’re a good looking person. That’s the point I was trying to convey if it wasn’t clear enough in my previous comment. That’s all
FWIW:
“…At cuddle parties, we say attraction is fine, but acting on that attraction is not fine.” — Thel Eonard, the facilitator of Cuddle Party Syracuse (http://dailyorange.com/2017/11/consensual-cuddling-event-held-syracuse-weekend/)
That’s just one citation I was able to find, but I’ve heard the same statement from other Cuddle Party facilitators in videos I’ve watched. Cuddle Party, with their Cuddle Party Rules (http://www.cuddleparty.com/rules/), have been standard-bearers for consensual, platonic cuddling since 2004.
OMG... We are attracted to countless people every day that we don't act upon. Cuddling is no different, and should not be different. I love to cuddle my cat because he's soft and fluffy and oh so cute. I'm not particularly fond of the idea of cuddling an iguana. There is something about cuddling that feels so wonderful and it has nothing to do with sexual attraction. When you know that sexuality is forbidden to be included in the process, it just makes it so much more relaxing and blissful. I liken platonic snuggling to snuggling with my cat. Wonderful and completely non-sexual.
@PrinceDon you got it absolutely right…and it is just common sense if you know what the word platonic means.
That's what we really need to make sure everyone in the community understands. There should be no confusion. Sexuality is off the table! You must go into your cuddle sessions with that in your head. There can be no thought in your head that says well maybe sexuality is on the table. Or, that there is a possibility it could be on the table. The answer is it's not on the table. PERIOD. Your partner could beg you to have sex or do something sexual and it's still off the table! That's the mindset you must have. Once you completely relinquish thoughts of sexuality or even the possibility of such I'm telling you it is just so wonderful. Platonic snuggling just plain doesn't work if sexuality becomes involved. The whole community gets shut down. Many in our community have been traumatized by sexual advances. This must not be allowed to continue. They should be reported and the offenders should be removed from the community. This is a goddang good thing we've got going here so let's not screw it up! :-) Let's be clear. Bathing suit areas are always off limits. ALWAYS! Be respectful of your partner and ask if it's okay to place your hand in the allowed areas. Never request of your partner if you can place your hand in a bathing suit area. EVER! Could I have been more clear? :-)
I fully agree with what @DarrenWalker and @squeakytoy and some others have brought up here.
And fact is that when one brings up the evolutionary biology of men getting a charge out of sexualizing women (yes that is exactly what the OP is doing), then one needs to understand the flip side of that is women (also affected by evolutionary biology) have grown an inherent sense of when that is happening. It's uncomfortable and triggers our fight or flight responses. And with good historical reason.
Why/how there are so many men who don't get this is baffling.
If nothing else they need to stop making convoluted excuses/reasonings behind their desires and just own the fact that they like tickling the pleasure centers of their brains/bodies and for many of them a straight up cuddle with a "hot" or "hot enough" female is just the thing to do it - Which in and of itself isn't a problem. The problem is that for many, that tickling gets a bit out of control and leads to the why and how of women developing that sense/intuition. And is in large part of why there's so much backlash about saying it's okay to only pursue the superficial in a platonic setting. No. It isn't.
Evolutionary biology says that you're looking for that superficiality when looking for a suitable mate. And last I checked, that goes against the terms of this site's service. If holding up your proclivities as being relevant, due to evolutionary biology, go to a dating site. It's where that kind of logic belongs.
This has become my favorite thread on Cuddlecomfort thus far / up to this point … reason being because I love history 🗺 … I’m a complete nerd for it 🤓 & in loving it I always remind myself to always take what I’m learning or what is being presented to me with a grain of salt 🧂 for the simple fact that the story is highly based on perspective/ opinions / whose telling it / how one feels about the situation / their personal bias / or portrayal of events that the author wants the reader to conclude …. Basically, it could be 20 of us standing outside , something eventful could happen (wether positive / negative / ect ect ect) & you will get 20 different answers of what happened.
If nothing else they need to stop making convoluted excuses/reasonings behind their desires and just own the fact that they like tickling the pleasure centers of their brains/bodies and for many of them a straight up cuddle with a "hot" or "hot enough" female is just the thing to do it - Which in and of itself isn't a problem.
This. This this this this this this this. Folks need to know that this isn't the place to toy with sexuality, in any sense of the word or concept. You want to do that? Go to Fetlife. There's tons of cuddle enthusiasts there that will do whatever the hell, all with informed consent in mind. No one is shaming people for cuddling with folks they find sexually, physically attractive or otherwise, but why are they doing it on this site? Why this site, when the rules are clearly stated, plain as day, and the community is vocal about what we expect here?
Please, do not come to this platform and assume every person should be on the receiving end of the following thought in your mind: "I'm getting a sexual charge, I find you really, really sexy, but I'm not going to act on it. But damn, look at your body. Mmm (or some other quasi-sexual breathing noise)" Even if you claim to have it under control, that doesn't make it right. It's like that scene in Little Children when the child sex offender goes to the pool. We don't know if he actually went there for a swim, or to molest a kid. But everybody there knew well enough to get their kids out of there, and he was thrown out of the recreation centre, because he was not allowed there.
We know when y'all are walking the tightrope, and there is no need to do it here. Go do it somewhere else.
@Catloaf @quixotic_life you both bring up very valid & very fair points. But if I may point out when you’re doing a search for cuddlers in your area or whichever city you decide to look in what’s the 1st thing that comes up in the results ? A screen full of pictures …. Which you then have to click on to learn anything about that person. For a lot of people ( notice I didn’t say all ) your eyes will drop to the image ( or person ) you find appealing for whatever reason. Now obviously from there you need to read that persons profile , talk with them and decide if they’re a fit for you and you may find you won’t work as cuddle partners or they may not work as a pro for you if you’re looking to hire one. But by simple design of the site the physical appearance of a person from an aesthetics point of view is going to be somewhat of a factor , but I never said it should be the only factor IE “ I’m only going to cuddle with who I consider hot no matter what “ besides there are some people who prefer to cuddle with someone with a petite frame or a larger frame or someone super fit or muscular or someone squishy or whatever preference they have for whatever reason as long as they’re respectful and safe I don’t think they’re wrong for wanting that. It’s up to them if they want to limit or expand they’re search.
Um... @hugonehugall ~ I can honestly say I have never selected someone to message or not message based on their photo. In fact, many had no photo of themselves at all. User name or a pic of their pet however... that I'm guilty of.
I think I may be blessed in that I not only don't have a "type", I don't find any specific physical features appealing/attractive either (except maybe thick hair somtimes). And weird as it may seem, if all people always wore "modest to conservative" clothing, I'd be so stoked!!
And I get what your saying. I just don't agree with the premise of one's true intentions being platonic in nature when they throw around terms like "hotness", "biology", or "lowering standards". Just be honest. You [those who use such terms] are comfortable with sexualizing women. And perhaps your libido will remain in check during a cuddle.
But fact is, that sexualizing others isn't platonic. At least not to me ~ Not the way it's presented by the OP and some others. They may as well have said, "Looking for hot chicks to not pressure into sex. But if she's winds up being into me, I'd be down to tap that. Cause damn! Hot chicks! Am I right bros?" To which a few have basically replied back with, "Word! High five bruh!"
OP, I don’t think it’s overly difficult to find non-pro women, at least in my part of the country. Yes, the gender ratio is too skewed, which means non-pro women get bombarded with messages, but if you’re respectful and patient and genuine, the few non pros around will certainly consider you.
@quixotic_life Maybe the OP used those terms but I didn’t … I never said I pick my cuddle partners based solely on looks I just said that sometimes it can be factor. I also don’t have what you call a type I’ve cuddled various ages , races , body types what have you . And I’m pretty sure earlier in the thread I admonished the OP for suggesting that he was lowering his standards by cuddling someone that didn’t fit his exact criteria. Also since 99% of the people I cuddle are pros and per site rules they are required to have a pic.
I did once, and she was very hard to find.