Please ask Consent before Trauma Dumping

Hi, let’s talk about consent. 🧚‍♀️✨ Today I’ll be addressing consent around conversation topics.

Please ask consent before trauma dumping on your Cuddler or telling triggering information about yourself. We are humans with feelings and triggers too. We are good at creating safe space for people, but we are not mental health professionals. If you need a mental health professional, or are in crisis, please seek proper medical care. We are not trained to decompress from trauma stories the way that mental health professionals are. We are not professionally trained to guide you to healing like medical professionals are. We might say the wrong thing that may hurt your feelings more around trauma because we have no training in this field.

As cuddlers, we provide some physical touch healing services - we are not a full spectrum “bring your problems here” shop. Please find out what level of comfort your Cuddler has before bringing trauma stories to your cuddle session, for all parties’ safety.

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Comments

  • edited March 2023

    Reported and reviewed. Removing comment. [Charlie_Bear]

  • Again, we are not mental health professionals and if we have not advertised any talk therapy services, you are not entitled to talk about your pain to us. Asking about comfort level will help all parties remain the most safe. We offer touch therapy services as cuddlers.

  • @craM What!? Au contraire.

  • You aren’t entitled to talk to your auto mechanic about your pain. You’re not entitled to talk to your massage therapist about your mental health. You’re not entitled to tell your dentist about your trauma. Same for cuddle therapy.

  • edited March 2023

    Definitely can see this in both ways. On one hand we are using a service to have a friend and feel human compassion when we put limitations it csn untethered the process. But I agree with @MegaGoodCuddles PROS are not mental health professionals and should have the right to ask to change topics if very triggering or sensitive issues come up and a client a
    Probably shouldn't purposely bypass mental health professionals to specifically discuss extreme traumatic experiences
    .
    In the end it depends on the maturity level of both parties..sometimes I have talked about very deep stuff with PROS but I know not to go down a rabbit hole of trying to squeeze information out if people to try and get someone to understand s deep complex situation woth no training

  • edited March 2023

    I have always said this exact thing and thank you @MegaGoodCuddles for this. You are correct in that you are not mental health providers , and people who truly need help are much better served by seeking it through appropriate channels. And cuddlers who feel they are indeed able to function in the capacity of mental health provider, which some have been known to claim they are capable of doing, can cause a whole lot of harm by doing so and are also highly irresponsible.

  • @FutureHeart2023 I agree, it is good to create safe space for cuddle clients when possible as that is a key part of intimacy. And I appreciate your reassurance in noting that everyone has personal limits and we are not medical professionals.

  • What kind of trauma dump was it and how detailed? It really depends. If you personally don't want to hear other people's trauma, mention it in your bio. But I don't think this needs to be some global rule, too much grey area and there are different people out there. Case-by-case sort of thing. Make sure to communicate. I find the use of the word "entitled" odd, as if someone took something from you. Makes it seem the focus is on the business/making money and not on the client. Paying for cuddles is already humiliating in a way, blocking conversation topics makes it feel even more transactional and sterile. But again, it really depends on how bad the trauma dump was, if the conversation even flowed there, etc. I won't use specific words to avoid any triggers but if the trauma dump was some life altering, despicable thing that was described in great detail and it had nothing to do with the prior conversation... Yeah that's uncalled for. Life struggles discussed in general though could absolutely be part of any normal conversation.

  • I'm entitled to talk about whatever I want so long as it's platonic. If you have a problem with it it's your responsibility to let me know that it's not something you want to discuss.

    Triggers can be anything,

  • And some people actually wonder why I would never be a pro? SMH big time. @MegaGoodCuddles your opening statement is totally correct and doesn't need examining or fine-tuning.

  • Any kind of excessive dumping in a cuddle session is probably not a good thing. For me personally, I think a cuddle session should really be about positive vibes, positive energy, and I can understand if you want someone to talk to, but if it’s something that’s very emotional or traumatic, it could be unsettling to the cuddler, so I understand the authors point of view on this one.

  • I think both sides have points and it's up to one side to take responsibility instead of forcing the other to. Don't demand one side does or doesn't discuss trauma, take responsibility for your yourself and communicate it early with your potential partner. Accountability is something this world needs more of.

    Also it really doesn't help the discussion that there are no specific examples, that kind of vagueness is kindling to an argument fire. It also renders most of the discussion useless and Facebook-level bickering.

  • Wow. Just Wow.

  • When I first read the headline I thought it was about some kind of errant scat play lol…😹

  • edited March 2023

    I think people can talk about what they wish - but we also are able to set boundaries about what we're willing to talk about. However, I don't think it is fair to expect our cuddle partners to read our minds about what our boundaries regarding topics are unless we discuss them. What to some people might be "trauma dumping" to others is simply sharing life experiences relevent to a discussion we are having in the moment.

    If you are having a discussion with someone and are uncomfortable, tell them. "I'm sorry you went through that. Talking about this topic makes me uncomfortable, though, so can we discuss something else now?" Or "Hang on a sec. While I can tell this is a very important topic for you, I don't feel qualified to help you and am feeling a bit triggered right now myself. Could we perhaps discuss something else?"

    Or if you know going in that certain topics are triggering to you or you don't feel comfortable discussing, tell them ahead of time. "While I want you to feel comfortable sharing with me, as I'm not a mental health professional I would prefer if we do not discuss traumatic topics during our sessions." Or "I have a boundary about discussing x, y, and z topics. Do you have any questions?"

    Assuming that everyone has the same social boundaries and expectations as us without discussion is a recipe for misunderstandings and resentment. It is better to be honest and upfront about expectations, and to bring up when there is a problem.

    Edit to add: assuming that everyone has the same definition of social expectations (i.e. what constitutes "trauma dumping" and that it is bad, or what discussion topics are taboo), is a form of ableism against neurodivergent folks. And seeing as the platonic cuddle community has a disproportionately high percentage of people with trauma and various different neurotypes, avoiding ableism would probably be a good idea.

    Edit to add part 2: people who "trauma dump" aren't always wanting you to solve their problems or "fix" them. They may just be venting. They may be trying to connect with you over shared experiences. They cannot read your mind any more than you can theirs. Don't assume they are not already receiving mental health care. If you have a boundary, express it so they know where the line is. Don't hold people to expectations they do not know exist.

  • [Deleted User]CharlesInWI (deleted user)

    All people are different people.

    But, for the most part, the clients that are paying for cuddle comfort are the people that have no other access to this basic human need.

    A physical need with emotional release, by definition.

    No one, certainly, is entitled to anything, ever.

    I appreciate you, @MegaGoodCuddles , being clear that you have no interest in, or tolerance for, emotional release during one of your sessions.

    Clear boundaries are important.

  • [Deleted User]M3521 (deleted user)

    Personally, I prefer to cuddle in silence or with music playing in the background. For me, enjoying time together without talking is what I prefer. However, to each their own. As others have said, both parties have to just communicate and be honest about their preferences/limits/boundaries, etc.

  • I think it doesn’t matter if you were an enthusiast or a pro, whether you’re doing it for free or getting paid you’re not obligated to listen to things that make you feel uncomfortable or seem out of your pay grade so to speak. Clients: if you don’t have insurance you can find a licensed mental health professional for the same price as a cuddler, so saying that you’re paying a cuddler pro is not a good excuse to use them as a therapist. We are touch therapists, not mental health professionals. Yes nothing in the body is separate, I have a holistic perspectives, but each of us professionals are individuals with unique callings, experiences, and education, therefore we can only thrive in our certain specialties. I can provide touch, just as your counselor cannot provide touch. Your counselor Is being paid to listen, I am being paid to touch. Yes I can listen too, but I am not obligated to.

  • For me, depends on the rapport and openness of both parties. I certainly don’t try to bring it up, but if it comes up, I usually have the capacity to listen. Not a therapist but as peer support. As someone with a ton of lived experience, I don’t mind it too much. If I don’t have the capacity to listen I also don’t have the capacity to cuddle. Not saying I welcome it so much as I take it for what it is and do my best to be supportive and non judgmental.

  • Eh kinda depends what it is. Don't go ranting about some crazy vietnam story about all the war crimes you did but if they tell you to stfu over casual talk then ya you should likely see someone else cause most service jobs will have some level of communication.

  • edited March 2023

    Sometimes I find myself disagreeing with things that @cuddlefaery says. But this time I find myself in strong agreement with alot of her post.

    I got on this site at the suggestion of my therapist (the first time in my adult life that I've ever needed one no less). She said that having someone to cuddle while being able to freely talk about what was bothering me would be therapeutic, and she was right. The cuddlers didn't need to solve my problems, diagnose anything, or in any way be medical professionals. They just had to be kind and caring while listening, which helped me immensely in working through the problem I was dealing with.

    Now, as to the OP's statement, maybe the experiences I was sharing might be "trauma dumping". But I would have no way of knowing without active feedback from the listener. And most cuddlers who I've met have in turn shared some of their stories, which probably helped unburden them. Mutually beneficial in my opinion.

    In order to evaluate the OPs statements, I'd have to know what kind of topics you're referring to as 'trauma dumping'. I mean, I have a client who was badly abused as a child, and I would never dream of discussing the details of what happened to this individual, because that, to me, would be 'trauma dumping'. But I might talk about how helping such a client makes ME feel.

  • [Deleted User]Calibrate715 (deleted user)

    This brings up a very good point about setting boundaries and expectations with your cuddle partner - no matter the depth of them. Anything from "Please don't wear wool; I'm allergic" to "I'm uncomfortable discussing previous sexual abuse/assault" is a valid boundary.

    When first joining CC, I had a very simplified view of how this would work. After communicating with others and reading the boards, I've tweaked my profile and discussions with others accordingly.

    I think it's very common for people in this dynamic to discuss their emotional state and past experiences. But I agree with the OP in that it's important to remember we're not mental health professionals and shouldn't act as one. That's actually a concern of mine - becoming someone's crutch as a cuddle partner and them avoiding methods such as therapy/meds, etc.

    I can be a safe space and a source of respite but, more than anything, I'd want someone to heal from those past hurts. I think some people consider cuddling as the ideal way to do that but, depending on the person, it can also be a way to avoid doing the in-depth work that's sometimes needed to heal.

  • Are you cuddling for your physical health? Doesn’t it make you feel better emotionally?!
    I have mental health issues! It helps to talk about it, if the only person you can talk to is a therapist it makes you feel like nobody really cares! Maybe you can mention on your profile that you’re here for physical well being, and don’t care about the other person’s reasoning for wanting cuddles!
    It might even help to let people know that they can see a professional therapist for less than it costs for a professional cuddler!

  • If you have insurance therapy costs you nothing, without insurance, most charge around $50-$75 for an hour.
    I feel like if you’re going to charge as a “professional” you should be a little more understanding of why people are here.

  • edited March 2023

    @MegaGoodCuddles I think @Matt462 has a valid point. You are correct that you are not a mental health professional and your post is spot on. However, you state in your profile you offer “friendly emotional support” which can easily be misinterpreted by someone who is desperately seeking verbal interaction when they are down. It muddies the waters when you have that in there and it contains nothing of what you say on this thread about what you won’t do that would illuminate where the line for you is.

    I think you need to state your boundaries clearly and directly and clarify to a visitor on your page what you consider trauma dumping. Other than that you are certainly entitled to talk or not talk about anything. As someone who hires pros and sees enthusiasts I appreciate a direct and blunt statement of boundaries.

  • I have to sympathize with the OP. Listening to someone else's problems, especially in regard to serious trauma, is going to affect the listener emotionally. Psychotherapists are trained how to deal with that. Most pro cuddlers are not. People should be turning to cuddlers for platonic touch, because that is what is being offered here -- not psychotherapy. A very specific service is being offered, and if you need another kind of service as well, you would be better off seeking out a professional in that field.

  • [Deleted User]Calibrate715 (deleted user)

    @Matt462 I don't think the OP means to come across as insensitive or unwilling to discuss emotionally charged topics. But, certain topics can be triggering for the listener as well. Pro or client, there should be equal consideration of boundaries from both sides.

    And, we're speaking about a professional cuddler - not a psychiatrist/psychotherapist, etc. Expectations should be adjusted; both from what type of emotional comfort pros can provide and what the client expects to receive.

    It all leads back to being very specific about what you need from or can give in a session. Communicating that is essential and the best way to find a cuddle partner that is ideal for you.

  • I feel like most people who book professionals do so because they are “professionals” and probably expected them to be more understanding than an enthusiast. I personally wouldn’t spend more on a professional cuddler than I would on my therapist just to cuddle. If the professional has triggers, they should make that known to their clients!
    And yes cuddles are physical but the act is promoting mental wellbeing! We are all here to feel better emotionally and mentally.

  • [Deleted User]cvbn123 (deleted user)

    I think we should really look at this post in terms of the opening line…this is about consent, not about whether or not it’s okay to discuss trauma. Consent is a primary concern in all sessions, from “is it arm okay here?” to “let me know if this topic is uncomfortable”. It goes two ways and both parties should be responsible and respectful of treating another human with basic kindness.

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