Wow everyone. @Matt462 has stated in threads before he is struggling yet everyone continues to engage. Many of the points are correct but you can’t see he is spiraling. Please disengage. You made a point to him but at what cost?
@Matt462 please take a moment and take a deep breath. This is not worth it at this point—your emotion has overtaken your intellect. Please take some time and take care of yourself. I don’t want you to do anything that will hurt you. Good night and take care.
Fellow mods - @Charlie_Bear , @Shake49 , @netrunner , and @Babichev - and to all those who flagged multiple posts in this thread - (I left all the flags open and did NOT respond to them individually) - and to those who GOT flagged and perhaps don't realize that they have been - I offer this, instead/in lieu of locking the thread:
See a pattern here?
Get on topic. This is not an ask.
And good night.
@Sideon I addressed the flags I saw and I am just seeing your comment now 😑 At least now when people take a number maybe some of that hate can be redirected at someone other than just you 😅
Not a problem, @Charlie_Bear - even if this was Baskin Robbins, someone's always gonna be unhappy with whatever flavors are offered here.
G'night for reals now
"Trauma Dumping" is a terrible phrase. It's demeaning to the client, like they are expressing trauma for the direct purpose to make the pro feel bad. People are already sort of hurting if they pay another human being for a cuddle. Sometimes the client just vents because they don't have anyone else to listen. If it makes you uncomfortable, just say so and they will stop.
Meh freedom of association the client or provider can deny serive for almost any reason at any time. Still the no trauma dumping should be stated beforehand otherwise you should refund the client if you terminate early.
People seem to be forgetting the consent part. If you ask consent then there’s not need to wonder about grey areas are what someone boundaries are. Don’t just assume someone wants to hear about your trauma. If you want a specific type of cuddle session where you can talk about whatever you want or not talk at all, that needs to be discussed beforehand. It’s all about consent. If you want something ask about it. Not everyone will have or want the same expectations.
What is making me incredibly frustrated with this discussion is the consent that is being discussed is being treated as one way and that boundaries are being treated as rules. Consent must be both ways.
What you define as traumatic is highly personal, and so what you consider "trauma dumping" someone else may consider just having a regular venting discussion as they might with any of their friends because that is their normal. There is no clearly defined list in psychology of what is or is not trauma dumping - it is intentionally left subjective which means people have to tell each other what the limits are. People get this idea in their heads that their "normal" is the same as everyone else's - pro tip, it's not.
I'm so very, very disappointed in our community right now for the lack of compassion, tone policing, and negative stereotypes being reinforced around trauma, mental health, neurodiversity, and disability. The platonic cuddle community is portrayed as this safe space for emotional intimacy, trauma survivors, people with anxiety, autistic people, ADHDers, and the disabled precisely because of its focus on open communication of consent and boundaries in regards to social interaction and touch. Enthusiasts, pros, mental health professionals - all keep talking about how great this community (not CC specifically but platonic cuddling as a whole) is for the very people most of these comments are othering through coded language and a refusal to allow equitable access.
Is it really that much to ask that we offer others the same that we are demanding - the opportunity to give consent?
People are clearly throwing around mental health and consent terminology they don't understand, and it needs to stop or this community is going to become so insular that it will die out as yet another niche fad that caused more harm than good. People are using their "boundaries" as weapons to judge and attempt to control the actions of others because they haven't dealt with their own biases and trauma.
So yes, by all means have boundaries around what topics you are or are not comfortable discussing. But if your "boundary" is defining and controlling someone else's behavior rather than your own, please just stop and go take some consent workshops or get ye to the therapy you claim others should seek.
/rant
@cuddlefaery this just shows that those hear are not qualified mental health professionals. I think folks need to be mindful of that. The sort of trained compassion and appropriate terminology, or the knowledge on how to deal with various disabilities may not be found here. People just don’t know and don’t have the expertise. This isn’t something that’s always taught in homes or schools, unless the person is specifically studying that type coursework.
I use boundaries and rules interchangeably and they’re related. If someone crosses my boundaries than there’s rules.
I absolutely do not mind when the client shares their past traumas or mental health issues, it helps me help them more and understand what they are needing and provides a sense of connection. There’s a lot of hurt people and I want them to know I’m a safe space to express their feelings to. I will do my best to listen and hug and cuddle their sadness away. I’ve done a lot of self work and therapy with a professional and that has equipped me to help others and share what I’ve learned to be able to calm the nervous system if they are interested.
I rarely post or even look at the forums these days. This post is why, TBH.
Cuddlefaery - I agree with your last comment. Thank you for speaking up about this. And AngelM - Thanks for restoring my faith in human kindness.
A lot of people survive childhood stuff that leaves them with a need to be self sufficient and NOT a burden to ANYONE. This keeps a lot of us, particularly men, alone. Asking someone to cuddle already feels like a burden to many of us.
Pros, PLEASE be up front about these kinds of boundaries in your profiles! Boundaries are only boundaries if they are communicated directly. And when they are, they benefit everyone involved.
Can we take this thread down now? The term “trauma dumping” is kind of offensive! People don’t tend to SHARE their trauma unless they feel really comfortable with the person they’re SHARING with. Some people even go through multiple therapists before they find one that they are comfortable with enough to OPEN UP to about their trauma. If you don’t like what a person is talking to you about, use your words, and let them know. But thank them for feeling comfortable enough with you to open up about their feelings. The way you react has an effect on
@Matt462
Healthy people don't usually overshare, and can tell when enough is enough.
There are exceptions to almost everything, and I believe that there are those who need to have the boundary stated explicitly.
I've had both kinds of people talk to me: some are sharing and some are dumping. I believe that the people in this thread who use the term are conscious of the distinction.
I'm as patient as anyone when it comes to listening, but I have my limits, as does every human being.
Healthy people usually don’t have trauma that they need to share. The definition of health is a state of physical, social, and mental wellbeing. If someone is over sharing, you can tell them you don’t want to talk about it, if they don’t stop, you are free to leave. It’s the term “trauma dumping “ that I’m getting really sick of seeing every time I open this page. And I agree with you that boundaries should be stated clearly, that way we don’t have to ask for consent for every topic that may come up. This term “trauma dumping”was used by someone who said they also have trauma themselves, which means they are in the same state of health as the person they’re complaining about.
I respectfully disagree on the point that healthy people don't have trauma.
I'm pretty healthy, but something traumatic happened to me last week. I plan to deal with it in a responsible way, sharing with appropriate people and to appropriate degrees.
If this same thing had happened to me ten years ago, there's a good chance that I would have spewed the details indiscriminately.
I read a book entitled "Hurt People Hurt People," and it suggests that healing isn't when something stops hurting (in some cases that might not happen), but when our pain stops hurting other people.
This assertion may or may not be perfectly true, but I find it useful to think about.
The fact that OP thought this was a good idea to post... 😐😐
The fact you felt compelled to troll the thread? Timeout is going to look good on you, @AnthonyM757 . If you feel compelled to participate after your timeout, resist that urge, and I'll resist a longer timeout. Much obliged. [-Sid]
Let’s get a few things clarified here. First, I recognize this is not just a USA site. Multiple countries here. I get it. Different cultures. Different legal systems. Different approaches.
With that being said: we need to get clear…. Very clear on a few points here….
Offering therapy when one has no license to do so is illegal. Period. There’s no wiggle room on that. License. Not just certified by a private entity. Legally licensed.
Anyone offering “healing services” only to rebuff & reject when things start to “get real” can find themselves subject to a lawsuit.
Again, in recognition to multiple countries & social/cultural structures…. There are legal expectations & penalties involving verbal, written, implied or otherwise sort of agreements & contracts between parties. To all the “Pros”…. When you clearly state & it can be documented as such that you offer said services but then refuse said services, that is subject to legal action.
Sigh, on a purely ethics/moral/&decent person level….. if you’re not prepared for what “creating a safe space” brings….. don’t. Do. It. If you’re not prepared to, for real, & truly walk the walk to go with the talk….. don’t talk it.
This isn’t just a jab at pros or a finger wagging at you all either.
I understand this is a precarious, specialized, and occasionally intense kinda gig.
So, this is as much a plea that you “be real” & be honest with yourselves in your capacity to give & to receive. I get that this job requires a bit of marketing & ‘hook’ but seriously…. Don’t over-promise. At all. Even a little.
Please, at the end of the day, it’s as simple as this, be kind. Be real. Be genuine. Be fair. Don’t promise what you cannot fulfill. Most definitely…. Don’t break the law. Even a little bit.
If you have trauma, and it affects you emotionally, you do not fit the World Health Organization’s definition of healthy! You may not want to admit it, but the definition is there. I struggle with my mental health, I don’t fit the definition either! MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS!!!
@Matt462 you’re right. The last thing we should ever allow is the “perfect bodies only gym” mentality. Safe space needs to actually be a safe space. Not a faux safe space. Not a gimmick.
@Matt462 With all due respect, if the existence of the thread bothers you, why not just stop visiting it? You have certainly made your point and this just seems to be upsetting you.
It’s on the list of threads, I can’t avoid seeing it unless stop coming to this site all together, I’m not going to stop coming to this site because of someone else’s ignorance. That’s why I asked if this thread can be taken down already or locked so we don’t have to look at such an ignorant comment all the time.
Reported and reviewed. You seem to have a misunderstanding of what a Pro is on this site. Pros provide a service to help you fulfill your need for platonic touch. They are not licensed therapists. While some pros may be happy to lend an ear as you discuss past trauma, that is not what you should be hiring them for. While it would be highly inappropriate for anyone to share personal information about someone else on the forums, there is nothing wrong with them bringing up things in the forums that they are asked to do in a general context when it does not fall under the umbrella of platonic cuddling. You can unsubscribe from this thread and I would like to ask everyone to stop tagging Matt462 in your replies. Thank you. [Charlie_Bear]
As a pro I find that part of what we do is nurturing and that means nurturing the whole person. This includes listen to trauma and an appropriate Compassionate responses. It’s not the same as talk therapy but we can refer those to the professionals we may think a client needs. I tend to feel I’ve helped more if I’ve listened to someone and made them feel heard and understood.
@AbsoluteKitten , you sound like a really good person, you should teach a pro masterclass!
Matt462 you are right, mental health absolutely matters more than most people realize. Which is why I highly recommend that you not look to a pro cuddler in the same way as a mental health professional. So many people have told you on here that you are putting too much into the notion that a cuddler is a one stop mental health shop . Being paid to cuddle does not mean you are capable of working through issues with people. Nor does it mean that they should be trying to as it wouid be outside their scope. Please get appropriate help for your level of mental health needs. And I advise you stay off this thread if it agitates you to such this extent.
Removed @ from tag [Charlie_Bear]
@cuddlefaery - Well said. I came to this discussion rather late (you can probably guess why lol), but for once I can't even find anything to quibble about. I will add that as nearly as I can figure, it takes no expertise and no special training to listen. It might even be possible to utter an occasional uhhuh with a very minimal amount of training.
Please do not tag Matt462 in any further comments. Thank you.
While it is correct that it takes no special skill to listen, there is an emotional impact to doing so when you are dealing with people who are depressed or traumatized. There's a reason many psychiatrists see psychiatrists of their own. I was involved for years with a clinically depressed person and, no matter how much you love and want to be there for someone, it can trigger depressive symptoms in you. You have to be aware of the impact it has so you can take care of yourself as well as help them.
Now put yourself in the position of a pro who may see multiple clients a day. With no training as a mental health professional, what effect will hearing about other's trauma have? What will they need to do to safeguard their own mental health? Might they not have to, for their own sake, go so far as to bar those kinds of discussions?
I never said the pros are a “one stop mental health shop!” @pmvines , none of them are qualified for that!! Read and understand what I wrote, before you comment! I do see a therapist and I DO take care my mental health. Which is why I find the term “trauma dumping” offensive! Maybe you can tag the pros that have been agreeing with me! The bottom line is, every single person on this site is here for emotional and mental wellbeing! If you need to feel better physically, that’s what medical doctors are for.
Reported and reviewed. Timeout issued though you also get your wish and the thread is now locked. [Charlie_Bear]
Interesting discussion. On one hand you shouldn't ever have to do something you don't want to do - so if hearing someone else's tragic story is too triggering for you then you should absolutely be able to leave that situation.
On the other hand - what is acceptable in public discourse without the need to censor yourself is tricky- if it's not hate speech - racism and violence, it's unreasonable to have to check with everyone what may or may not be offensive - you should be able to just talk about bad things that have happened to you without worrying if it's an offense. Because it isn't an offence. Technically speaking to say what happened to you to a stranger, it's just strange to expect someone to handle it if they can't handle it.
Being able to read the room helps - if you're not in a space able to read the room then lines of communication/expectations start getting mixed up. Maybe we can help each other read the room. Better so this doesn't happen again.