@Matt462 btw where are these $50-75 psychotherapists, I think $100-200 (or more) is more typical for an hour.
They go on a sliding scale if you don’t have insurance. My therapist only charged me $50 a session before I got insurance, they’re out to help people, regardless of how much money you make. “Behavioral health center” in CT only charges $75 per hourly session if you don’t have insurance.
Like hospitals, they charge a much higher rate to insurance companies because these companies end up paying a lot less than they are charged.
Here’s a link to my therapists practice in CT.
https://www.kiefercounselingct.com/
Hey Matt, I and everyone else agrees the original post wasn't well-worded, but it's been reasonably clarified since then. By both the OP and others. Honestly, almost all the replies you've gotten have been remarkably kind and understanding despite your frustrations! You can relax we also don't know what the OP went through which makes things vague, but it was mentioned it was possibly "heavy" or "violent" so it's reasonable to presume it must have been something that did go too far. See the OP's post at the top of page 2 for where I'm referring to. They even mention that sometimes they can handle such conversations! I think it's mostly a misunderstanding.
@Matt462 Ahh, yes - I could see how that particular phrase could possibly be seen as trivializing a person's emotional struggles. I guess I'll say that much in the same way I'd extend you grace on a bad day, I'll lend her some for poor word choice.
@cuddlesloth I think it was a misunderstanding also. Mega does not seem interested in busting anyone's chops or taking them to task. She had a bad experience she hopes to avoid in the future. Something I think we all want. So glad you could think of this good way to explain the whole thread. I much appreciate it.
It has never occurred to me to state in my profile that really mental/gritty/therapy type talk is not included in a cuddle with me. I would have thought the onus would be on the person who wants to treat the cuddle like a professional therapy session. I am glad to know so many don't feel this way. I don't see the need for me to put this in my profile, but I will keep it in mind as I chat with new people. I'm still bewildered by a lot of the response here but it's been an important topic and good learning experience.
I am certain now that most pros earn every dollar they make and deserve all the support they get from the site and some members.
Consent, consent, consent! I've shared a lot with the pros I've cuddled, but I've always taken it a step at a time, and have always been mindful that they are human too.
The cuddle relationship does NOT erase a provider's boundaries and limitations.
I absolutely agree with @MegaGoodCuddles for multiple reasons...
Professional cuddlers are not mental health professionals, nor should they be expected to act in that capacity. Equating them to other professions is a false equivalency. Sure, some cuddlers are okay with someone telling them ALL about what ails them... some my even have degrees in Psychology, are therapists, etc... but if you need help processing trauma, please seek out a mental health professional. They are trained to better help YOU, they are better prepared to keep it from affecting THEM, and you have more PRIVACY PROTECTIONS with a mental health professional. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't believe a professional cuddler has any legal obligation to protect any information you disclose...
In my experience, professional cuddlers are some of the most empathetic and sensitive people I've met. Why bother making yourself vulnerable and letting a stranger into your personal physical space if there isn't some level of caring, right? Recalling traumatic events to them, without their consent and likely without warning, could in itself be a traumatic event or lead to their own triggers... I was chatting with someone online (not a cuddle session) that started telling me about trauma they were currently going through, that paralleled past trauma of my own so closely, I froze. I was unprepared to be hit with it at that moment. I could NOT imagine what that would've done to me if I was in the middle of a cuddle session, so I don't find it reasonable to expect anyone to possibly be subject to anything similar... I would expect "If anything makes me uncomfortable, I can choose to end the session..." to definitely apply to this situation...
If I seek a professional cuddler, it's likely because I'm lonely and touch-deprived. I personally enjoy a more upbeat session, hopefully full of laughs, stories, good snacks/food... I know smiles are contagious, but frowns are, too. If you're looking for a cuddler to laugh with, let them know ahead of time. Be restful in silence? Let them know ahead of time. If you're looking for a cuddler because you need to get something off your chest, let them know. It gives them the ability to decide if they are the right cuddler for your needs.
There is nothing wrong with two adults sharing their trauma stories with the anticipation of it being helpful, considering that both people are cool with it and equipped to manage it appropriately. What I DONT like and DONT agree with is this weird sentiment that you are entitled to do so and that the other person has an obligation to just deal with it Regardless of whether or not money exchanges hands, which if it does, you are hiring someone to cuddle, not to be a therapist or counselor. The expectations are both unrealistic and unfair .
@pmvines YES!
No one said there’s an obligation to “just deal with it” just make it known that you’re not into having difficult conversations before hand so you don’t have to complain about the client on a public forum. The act of cuddling could be an emotional trigger for some people, and the words just start coming out. There are professionals on this site who state clearly on their profile that the client will feel heard! Whether you like it or not you are offering a “professional” therapeutic experience. Doctors make people feel better physically, cuddling helps people feel better emotionally. You should not expect a “professional” cuddler to be a therapist, but at the same time, the professional shouldn’t expect the client to know that they aren’t into listening to them. Communication is important before a meeting ever happens. Make it known on you profile and there won’t be a need for a 3 page forum about trauma dumping!!!!
@Matt462 I understand your frustration that some people aren't specific about their boundaries beforehand. However, I don't think it's fair to call the post or subsequent discussions unnecessary. They're a great tool for bringing about understanding for members here. At least that's what I get from it.
I agree that most of these forums are helpful, but did she ask her client for consent to complain about him to other, for not asking her for consent to talk about something on his mind? If I was that client, I would be complaining to site and demanding my money back! Are we supposed to start every sentence with “can I have consent to…..” ask a question, talk about moms, dads, doctors, dogs, who knows what could trigger someone!! Why is this the clients job to : “Please find out what level of comfort your Cuddler has before bringing trauma stories to your cuddle session, for all parties’ safety.” Tell the clients your level of comfort before you book them! Don’t expect them to go out of their way to find out! They hired you to feel better. If you want them to make you feel better, pay them!!
Reported and reviewed. You are using a straw man in an attempt to make your argument. Please refrain from doing this. You also assume she is talking about a client, but she doesn't appear to be referencing anyone nor does it appear she is discussing any particular session. [Charlie_Bear]
If I came on here and saw the professional I just hired complaining publicly about me “trauma dumping”, I’d be demanding my money back, and demanding that the site keeps them from doing it to someone else!
Reported and reviewed. Matt462, if that happened, you would be welcome to file a report. If the pro did not attempt to provide cuddling, you would have a case. If you seek a refund because instead of cuddling you wanted to discuss deeply emotional mental or physical trauma with someone that is not equipped to handle it, your report may not have much merit. You have been taking this post and twisting it to attack pros. There are more civil ways to express your counter argument and the way you have approached this is not it. The moderation of these forums is not meant to suppress alternate perspectives, but we investigate every flagged comment and intervene when necessary. You are receiving multiple flags so please consider treading more carefully. [Charlie_Bear]
No one knows who the client is unless the client lets us know in one way or the other. But it does make sense to me that this experience was upsetting, etc. to the client. It's also a leap from not wanting to listen to not wanting to substitute for a therapist. The OP is not guilty of not wanting to listen as far as I can tell. I agree with Calibrate715. I've learned from this also and suspect others have. As members have said before in other threads, you don't have to look at the forum. I strongly agree that communication needs to happen before a meeting. That would include a client or anyone volunteering important info about themselves. It's not feasible to guess what might displease every individual here and then list it in a profile.
Entitled much ?
Dude writes, “ Make it known on you profile and there won’t be a need for a 3 page forum about trauma dumping!!!!” as if the length of the forum is an inconvenience to anyone.
My guy, if you deleted your own relentless repetition of your “point” I think we’re down to a meager page and a half, here, at best.
If we also took away all the replies to you, (which mainly reiterate that the phrase trauma dumping, by definition, refers to sharing that is inappropriate because it exceeds normal boundaries without consent) I think we’re down to a remarkably succinct and thoughtful reminder.
🤷🏽♂️
No one is saying anything about being a substitute for a therapist. My issue is a professional doing something unprofessional like starting a forum to complain that her client didn’t research what she expects from the service that she is providing. It’s her job to make that known. She can have a conversation with her client instead starting a forum. If you provide a service, you need to let the customer know the limitations of your service. I give my customers a detailed estimate, they now exactly what they’re paying for, if they want more than what we agreed on, we have a discussion, I don’t write an article to complain that they didn’t read the estimate? This shouldn’t be an open discussion especially when it’s about consent, I highly doubt she asked her client for consent to talk about him “trauma dumping!” In a forum!
And yes @pmvines if I was her client, I would feel entitled to get my money back If she made her experience with me into a public forum. Professionals should act professional! They shouldn’t act like paid enthusiasts!
Good evening all, I think it is reasonable to state boundaries in profiles, even sharing that the boundaries may change, depending on the persons space I also think it’s reasonable to expect a a person in a cuddle session to ask if a certain topic they want to discuss is okay to share, as this would be simply respectful of the other person Many folks on this forum have had good points of view, and so with gratitude, it was an honor to read through them all I want to make a personal point to acknowledge Matt, and his view as well. I believe that by simply stating intentions and boundaries in your profile and in person, a lot of confusion could be cleared up. A persons trauma is as serious as it gets, and is very sensitive, both in emotion and in expression, so bless the heart of those that can hold space for another to be open about that, but also bless the heart of those that set a boundary, sharing they are not in a place to have that conversation.
Sounds to me like a general statement made out of frustration @Matt462 . I don't recall anything about a specific client nor a specific encounter. You're taking this whole.thing really personally. The OP did nothing wrong by posting this, nor is it wrong for her or anybody else to express that it's not easy nor necessarily fair for them to be expected to practice outside their scope of expertise and be responsible for somebody else's happiness and mental well.being . That's like paying a roofer and then being mad that they aren't able to help you wirh your garden. And it is extremely entitled attitude for some on here to say that if they are paying then they need to just shut up and take it because they can say what they want. That's the same argument some give for doing what they want to their bodies. The same attitude of well I gave you money now so what you think and what you want mean nothing.
@MonkeyNeedsAHug I agree. I wanted to say the same.
I do feel for the client. If they do indeed have trauma I'm sure their experience has really addled them. That is unfortunate but points out how important good vetting is, and not just a pro vetting a client. I am going to take a leap myself and say that the client does not want to write a treatise about what they expect in their profile. And thankfully this is not required or necessary. Thankfully the site also does not cater to demands of any type.
It's unreasonable to think that demanding anything from anyone will further any good goals and especially will not facilitate future cuddles with anyone.
Like Calibrate715 said, I like how the forum has given me more self-awareness. I wouldn't trade my heightened self-awareness for any amount of cuddles. I do hope and believe this thread has been a help to many people.
Everyone, best wishes in all your endeavors.
@Matt462 I can't tell from the initial post that she's singling out any one particular client. It may have been a series of clients and she finally reached a point of emotional overload and felt it was necessary to open up a dialogue about it.
If she provided specific examples of the trauma shared or the timeframe it occurred, I could see a past client taking offense or possibly feeling betrayed. I feel it's more about making us all aware to respect each other's emotional space. Sometimes familiarity causes people to forget this so it's a necessary reminder.
From you: "I just think if you’re going to call yourself a professional and charge $100 an hour you should be prepared to deal with people who are going through some things." This type of statement can be interpreted as you saying a pro should accept the trauma disclosure without complaint since they're being paid. I concede that people should be very specific about boundaries but, even your own wording can be interpreted in a way that's less than favorable.
So, while I don't think things you've said are with ill intent, I also don't think the OP acted unprofessionally or with the intent to harm a client.
It has nothing to do with being able to say what you want! If I hire a roofer I know what I’m getting from him for the price he’s charging me! You make that known before you discuss money! If you don’t tell someone that you don’t want to discuss certain topics before your session, then they don’t know. There are professionals on this site that are experienced counselors, they state it clearly on their profile. It’s her job to make sure the client knows her boundaries. The site only specifies no sexual talk or touching, the professional needs to make everything else that’s off limits known to the client. If something comes up in a session that you aren’t comfortable with, open your mouth and say something, to them, it’s the only way they will know what is ok and what isn’t! Whoever she had this experience with has no idea, unless she communicates that him, or if he happens to read this thread!
I honestly have a big heart for those that have something heavy they need to release. I personally don’t mind it. If it helps them feel better, I do my best to find peaceful ways to protect myself from becoming emotionally involved where I’ll find myself feeling the blues. But I get how it can be overwhelming for others. Personally I’ve had to learn to hold a lot in because of that harsh reality , but nothing I can do about it other than show compassion and try to understand others when they aren’t feeling so good. And could use a friend and a hug ✨
Once again I agree Calibrate.
Dear Matt, your analogy is not apt and your argument does not hold water. Best wishes on your cuddle quest and other endeavors.
How do you figure, I pay the roofer to do a job, they make it known to me what I’m getting for the money I’m paying him. Would you know to ask the roofer if he’s replacing the rake edge or leaving the old? If he’s going to use a rubberized ice and water shield or asphalt? ELK shingles or GAF? No, that’s what he lets you know in his estimate. Professionals on this site are also charging for a service. Their profile is their written estimate, it gives you the price, it should also let you know the terms of the service they are providing. It keeps people from saying or doing something you don’t like.
@Matt462 I believe I've agreed your points on being specific are valid. More than likely, the OP (as well as many others) will beef up their profiles as a result of posts like these. If so, her post has played a vital part in helping members here connect to more compatible people.
I suppose I just can't align with the "should know" mentality. Most of us have only learned by making mistakes or choosing a less than ideal solution. And, while someone may be a pro, it doesn't mean they'll be a flawless person.
How many of us have frozen when we're in an emotionally vulnerable space? The OP may have felt the same way at the time of the disclosure(s). Pro or enthusiast, I have to allow that people sometimes need time to process their emotions before expressing their concerns. I also can't assume she hasn't spoken to the client(s) already. I think she addressed her concerns in a respectful way that prompted some interesting discussions so I can't find fault with it.
There’s no “should know mentality” here, if we all should know, there would be no need for a profile, my issue is the “trauma dumping “ and expecting the client to (her words) “Please find out what level of comfort your Cuddler has before bringing trauma stories to your cuddle session, for all parties’ safety.” Let them know your level of comfort!