I’m Not a Pro...Am I Wrong or Did He Overreact?

edited February 1 in General

I’d love your opinion here, please. This gentleman messaged me and wanted to cuddle. To keep a long story short, and in an effort to not taint your opinion, suffice it to say that we went back and forth about him providing a photo and then exchanged these five messages.

If I am wrong then I won’t use the site but I thought the whole point of not being a pro is so that I can choose who I cuddle and what I base that on. I only have 2-3 times a month and I do this for me, selfishly. I am not in an emotional position to be doing it to help others without considering myself. Attraction is necessary for me to fill the void. However, I am willing to accept that I am doing this all wrong.

Your KIND opinion is appreciated. Regardless of how you feel, please only contribute if you can do so nicely. I’m extremely sensitive and I recognize that about myself.


PS. Please excuse me misspelling “too” in my message to him. It was a typo and I didn’t catch it initially and was blocked by the time I did.



  • @PlayWithMyHair
    Hi Maria, the only thing I can criticise about your behaviour, is your use of the term "gentleman".

  • @PlayWithMyHair you obviously have the right to set boundaries for yourself and expectations. Yes that is the advantage of not being a pro. I feel he is troubled about the attraction part, because as we all understand it’s platonic and I’m sure he didn’t message you because he had no attraction, he was feeling rejected. Don’t take it personal there are plenty of pushy people here, and they may not intend to be.

  • edited February 1

    I don't think you did anything wrong. Many people will say that you don't need to think your cuddle partner is attractive to want to cuddle with them, but the truth of the matter is...attraction does (or can) play a role in choosing a cuddle partner. It can suck when you're having difficulty finding a partner, but that's just the truth of the matter. There is nothing we can about it. It sounds good on paper--that you shouldn't have to think your partner is attractive--but attraction (and not just physical) plays a role. You were upfront with what you wanted. He got upset at you. That's on him, not you.

  • edited February 1

    @PlayWithMyHair you have the right to use the site to suit your needs, and I don’t think you were in the wrong. Maybe he just got offended? I don’t see why, but that isn’t for me to determine. And it isn’t your issue either. You did nothing wrong.

  • I’d also be concerned with what type of behavior he is planning on the site spies not to know about. He seems to using it for dating in my opinion, or maybe more.

  • You don't owe this person any explanation and you have nothing to feel bad about. It's perfectly reasonable to want a photo before meeting, and it's silly for him to push back against that.

    I'm often surprised to see what kind of messages women indulge and keep talking to someone, because it's so different from my personal experience.

  • You’re right. With being an enthusiast, you can pick and choose whoever you want to cuddle with. I understand the other side with why it can be confusing that attraction plays a part in a choice for platonic cuddling, but I think it’s along the same line as people also wanting to choose male or female. Of attraction didn’t play a part, everyone’s choice would be gender neutral. Plus, having a photo beforehand is always an added safety step that should never be disrespected.

    With you being an enthusiast, you are perfectly in your right to choose someone you are attracted to in the same way a man prefers a female or a female prefers a male. Same as someone would prefer someone with long hair or someone who listens to the same music. Attraction is not always sexual. Physical attraction can seem sexual, but if it’s something that just makes you feel more relaxed and you aren’t doing it to hope for more than a cuddle, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your preferences.

    He’s probably having a very hard time trying to find enthusiasts to cuddle with, so rejection after rejection will certainly play a part on someone’s attitude. It’s on your profile that you refuse to go further without a pic. If they ignore that, that’s their fault.

  • @Sheena123 i love that you looked at both sides! Amazing perspective! Bravo!

  • @PlayWithMyHair
    You are absolutely right that you can choose who you want to cuddle.
    You'll find a very high ratio of males to enthusiast females on the site, so you could have very strict requirements, and still be inundated.
    By law, restaurants have to publish the menu and prices outside, so that people don't assume something, and then be too embarrassed to leave. Anyone who won't send a photo beforehand, I would suspect believes that would put you off ; and would be hoping to delay that until after you meet, in the hope it was too late.

  • "Site spies" cannot suspend you for not meeting with someone before cuddling.

    In my experience as a woman, there are many men who don't want to be bossed by women - it triggers them into feeling small and humiliated. Some men can feel that if you disagree with them, repeat what you want in a clear way, refuse to back down, have a different opinion, etc. Basically they want to feel in control. That's what I see and I've seen it a million times on here.

    "Let's be adults" would be insulting to most people -- I'm guessing he felt whacked by that and whacked back.

    PS You don't have to justify why you want a photo of a person. It's standard practice here to exchange photos prior to meeting. You don't have to meet with anyone before if you don't want, I can understand busy, but there are so many things one can read in a meeting that one can't read in a photo. Also, it's a great screening tool -- often those who won't take the care and time to meet with you are probably not going to take the care and time to treat you well.

    Happy cuddling!

  • @PlayWithMyHair you did absolutely nothing wrong. You have every right to want to cuddle with someone you find attractive. It's not up to him to define the conditions of what you're looking for.

  • No, you didn't do anything wrong @PlayWithMyHair , and it's sad you had to explain yourself to him. The entire exchange says a lot about him, though.

    "Add me as a friend and I'll send you a photo" is a horrible give-to-get argument. Guys, just send a damn photo, it's not that difficult. The "site spies" bit was creepy and unnecessary: if his intentions were clear and above board, he didn't need to couch anything in those terms. Being not-banned and site longevity isn't a ringing endorsement. Conflating/accusing dating and cuddling, plus the projection with "how shallow are you?" when he was willing to friend to exchange pics? Classic. So very classic.

    Good luck out there.

  • I'd also add that even as a pro you have the right to cuddle who you want to. You are not obligated to cuddle with anyone you don't want to.

    I'd ALSO add that his behavior is all the more reason for you to not cuddle with him. If he got upset at you for not wanting to cuddle with him...what else will get upset about while you're cuddling?

  • You did nothing wrong. Its very fishy and weird that he refuses to send a picture ahead of time.
    As soon as someone doesn't want to send you a picture you should just block them next time and save yourself the trouble and time wasted :)

  • edited February 1

    I read your profile @PlayWithMyHair and I’m not sure what to think. The very first thing you mentioned is how you don’t respond to people without pics. So you obviously disregarded that rule of yours. Then you go on to journal all of your experiences on your profile, with a time stamp included.... Given all of that along with now posting an actual conversation with someone is way too dramatic for me. Lastly, the tragedy you mention at the end of your profile is extremely sad and it’s only been 4 1/2 months?.?.?

    I’m sorry, but I don’t believe any of this and think it’s all made up for attention. That’s just my opinion. However, if this exchange really did happen to someone, the guy is way out of line.

  • I am on your side. It’s a simple request

  • Yes send the photo. You are going to meet and they will know what you look like anyway. It undermines trust to not send one

  • I also think you did not do anything wrong, it's up to you 100% if you want to cuddle with someone. I agree on the attraction part, it's not a sexual thing. I know I would not want to cuddle with someone that reminds me of maybe a teacher I had in school. or a close family member. If they are not willing to send a photo, then I sure would not want to go any further. I had someone ask me to send a pic of me holding a coffee mug, to prove that my pic is current, as I guess some here post pic's when they were much younger. Just hang in there and stick to your perimeters !!!!, be safe !!

  • I appreciate you guys so much. I was feeling some type of way because of all of this. Thanks for renewing my faith :)

  • @PlayWithMyHair some enthusiasts here may protest but I believe most of us would rather cuddle with people we are attracted to. That does not mean we want to date them or have a sexual relationship, but, yes, we want to feel comfortable with their physical self as well as their personality. It just sounds shallow to say it. And, yes, as an enthusiast or as a pro, you are within your rights to set your boundaries and stick to them. Good luck in this crazy cuddle culture!

  • edited February 1

    @PlayWithMyHair I don't remember saying this to anyone, but when I first joined this site I deleted my account soon afterward due to conflict in communicating with others. Once I cooled down, I rejoined and have since educated myself significantly on communicating and controlling my own feelings.

    Aside from the fact that is is not possible to communicate 100% perfectly via messages, we all have our own situations, circumstances and backgrounds that affect how we communicate.

    I think that your request for a photo is justified. And that for whatever reason he was sensitive to your manner of communication and instead of being reasonable about it he decided to cut off the chance to cuddle with you. I would hope that I would not react the same.

    I agree with the other comments and @littermate for saying what likely made him feel insulted and to give up rather than view the communication objectively.

    Don't give up. No doubt you will find a suitable cuddle partner if you haven't already.

    By the way, when I cuddle, I absolutely love caressing her head and playing with her hair. 😊

  • [Deleted User]Crusader (deleted user)

    Im not reading these mini books above, no time for that. But i will say the guy is 60, prob feels insecure because he is old as dirt, and didnt want to send a picture. He aint gonna look like no jonas bro at 60. People get old, it happens.

  • @Crusader how in the world did you decide he was 60?

  • Mostly here to support Maria.

    Can we do that without ageism, though? Thanks, Crusader?

  • I'd say whether you're wrong depends on how you mean "attracted." We've covered this a lot in the forums—there are a ton of different types of attraction, and the only wrong one for this site is sexual attraction. If that's the type you meant, then yeah: bad move. Otherwise I'd say you're fine.

    Mind you, just because one person's wrong doesn't mean the other one can't also be just as wrong as the first... or even wronger. Wouldn't it be nice if one person being wrong meant everyone else got to be right?

  • @JLD is right:

    Yes send the photo. You are going to meet and they will know what you look like anyway. It undermines trust to not send one

    Every enthusiast woman I've ever talked to has said that men with no photos makes them distrustful. You're going to meet them anyways. If having a public photo makes you uncomfortable then lock your photos so only people who you're friends with can see them. But if you want to raise your chances of meeting an enthusiast...you might want to add a photo.

  • @PlayWithMyHair - as everyone else has said, you're not wrong. You set your own criteria for choosing a cuddle partner. It's entirely reasonable to ask for a photo, and you were pretty clear about your reasons for asking. I've only met one cuddler (so far), and I provided a photo when requested. I'll put on on my profile soon, if I can find one where I haven't just run a race...

  • She was right. Case closed .

    I found it curious that both her karmas had deactivated.

  • [Deleted User]Crusader (deleted user)

    Oh i thought it said "60", it said 6'0 as in six feet tall, lol. And no ageism here bro, if anything i hate that stuff too. Belive me younger people getting promotions over me, during 911 they was in diapers lol

  • Hmm... the more I am reading these comments and looking at the OP’s profile I think something seems... off. Stolen identity? Catfishing?

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