I've found that it's rough when it comes to picture or no picture - be it whether or not I have my picture on my profile, or if the other member that's messaging me or I'm debating messaging has a picture up.
In the hours since I've had my profile up, I've received what's fairly typical for me in RL and in the digital world in terms of heavy euphemism and prying questions that are very clearly sexual in nature - I'm accustomed to it, I hate it, but I also refuse to let it change myself in any way in hopes of reducing those kinds of unsolicited introductions. I have multiple piercings and tattoos, and brightly dyed hair - all of which are attention grabbing, which is all well and good and gains me a great deal of people approaching me in some fashion. It's just that there's a large percentage of what is commented are things like "with all those holes you got, you really must like givin' head", or "so how many piercings you got in your clit?" (despite the fact that there's no plausible reason to conclude I must have my genitals pierced, since none of that's visible while out and about) to use two examples that have happened just today. To have my profile picture up, is meant to give others some idea what I look like, as that is intended to give them some insight possibly into my personality, at least a little bit, and to allow them to screen if what I look like puts them off too much to consider any extensive dialogue. Online at least I can simply ignore and not respond to the pervy type messages, and give them no more of my energy or time to them beyond simply deleting. RL it's not so easy - you get approached like that, you have to work to shut them down or get away, so that takes work. So it becomes something of a pro/con for me - is presenting enough of myself to grant anyone looking enough information to make a judgement call worth the unavoidable unpleasantness of those with poor filters or notions of appropriateness? I generally say yes, but it still leaves a gross taste in my mouth when I get another person who probably is, for the most part, not terrible, but have for some reason come to the conclusion it's okay to behave that way towards another just because they may look different, or be a woman.
I've slowly begun browsing those in my area seeking some kind of connection, in a place/venue that's entire mission statement is that it's intended to be platonic, safe, no expectations of more than what's offered, and I admit - profiles with pictures do make it easier for me to sort them to some degree. If the user's profile shows a person with an appearance that makes me feel something's 'off' at worst, or just that what bit of visual vibe I can get seems like it wouldn't mesh with how I am at best, then I'm happy for the chance to more easily separate those I'd contact from those I wouldn't. On the other hand, there's many users whose profiles may not have a picture, but have enough in the 'about me' that if they've initiated contact, I'd be open and all too happy to maintain a dialogue and open to explore if becoming a cuddle buddy of them. It's just that I'm less likely to seek out and initiate with a pictureless profile. It's all about being able to more quickly sort/analyze potential individuals to risk sharing a very intimate and vulnerable activity, in the end. So I post my picture to give others searching, another piece of information for them to study, in hopes that it helps their willingness to communicate, possibly connect, and if it goes that far, to then bond on some level that helps both of us fulfill the human need for contact, caring, affection, without demand.
I suppose that it also means that since I've opted to knowingly accept that yes, there'll be the weird, inappropriate messages, for the sake of bettering my own odds of users being able to assess my suitability, that I feel more biased in favour of those who've undertaken the same risk. It's a bias that's unfair to a degree, but if I'm being honest, I have to admit to it, and accept what it means about who I'm more likely to respond to quickly or seek out and initiate. But, bias or no, I would be willing/happy to build a rapport, and create mutually fulfilling arrangement with users that don't have a profile picture, it'd just be harder to get the ball rolling.
(Also, I know it's often easy to jump to the conclusion that the grossly inappropriate comments come from males - and while it's true in RL that it is usually men who feel alright with doing that, online, I've found that such behaviour is pretty 50/50. It was a female user on here who sent me a PM about what's beneath my clothes amongst some other explicit statements. I don't mention any of that to complain, I mention the pros/cons I have to weigh each time I put my face on a profile anywhere, as examples of what I've experienced first hand and am aware many others online have that would influence their decision to have a picture up or not.)
@snugglefloof I'm so sorry that keeps happening to you! You really sound like an amazing person that anyone would be lucky to get to know in real life!
@Mark Suggestion: An in-message Report feature. That way we don't have to visit a user's profile to Report. These type of inappropriate messages should not be ignored, as that keeps the creeps creeping.
~StarFlower, Dallas-Fort Worth area
I've been meaning to do that actually. It'll get done at some point.
@Mark As my mom always used to say, "The sooner, the quicker!"
I don't understand why guys looking for sex are here. There are other sites on the internet specifically for people looking for a sexual encounter.
@Mike403 I get a lot of messages that want services outside the client agreement. Like cuddling in lingerie or "more intimately". While I'm happy to be flexible about things like clothing (ex: shorts vs sleeping pants) and what is done during the session (sleeping, watching a show, talking etc.) I don't see the point in trying to push the boundaries when they are so clearly outlined.
I try to provide a unique and relaxing service to clients and having to tell people no because they don't want to follow the rules sucks. I also don't understand it since sexual services cost the same or even cheaper in a place like Los Angeles.
Right. If you want to pay for sex, get a hooker. This site is about being comfortable. That means for both people.
My guess* about some still thinking/hoping for sex in addition being on here, is that lots of people, whatever their gender, have internalized the messages taught and repeated to them from many sources, that touch for men ideally should be with sexual or aggression intent. So they go everywhere, even those places where the rules, ideology and goal of those spaces in RL or the (perceived) total anonymity of online, with some tentative hope of gaining the 'ideal' interaction. And so they figure 'what the hey, throw in a dick pick, ask for "special" service, you only miss 100% of the shots you don't take!' Even if they fail, or receive negative consequences repeatedly, to the point where it's actually painful to consider the percentage and rate of rejection (ignoring, blocking, reporting, gettin' told off, whatever method) they must each be receiving...they still keep at it. It's minimal effort expended on a gamble that statistically they know will fail, but there's that one in a million chance of hitting the jackpot, and there's also the occasional small prizes of receiving a reply once or twice that's akin to 'congrats you won 5$ and a Slurpee! play the lotto to win big!' This keeps them going, and prevents them from taking any actual positive action on improving their quality of connection/interactions with others, in anyway shape or form. They can say "Yeah, well I DID try, and the odds are against me, and everybody sucks, poor me, but sometimes you do win a little..." This of course also happens to women, but often due to unrealistic expectations/understanding of what is possible/available vs what they want within a particular time frame.
So those who're holding onto the 'just maybe I'll get some' manner may be here with a need that they have honestly identified - a need for closeness, touch, safety, bit of tenderness, or laughter, with another warmbodied person - but they sabotage themselves out of habit. It is much easier to live with the pain you know, armed with the excuse of bad odds, than to willingly risk tackling what is going on inside themselves first, in the fear of a deeper kind of rejection after having made any changes/accepted and understood any innate source of their root problem. Honest self-analysis and acceptance, can be terrifying, because there's all these boogeymen and worries we have that cloud our notions about ourselves, that to look deep into the mirror and see, and realize where/what/if there is a problem, and actually dare to decide to do something about it proactively - that stuff takes willpower, a whole pile of effort and energy and time, and preferably the support of others. (I'm not saying they need to change who they are to fit some ideal, I mean they need to identify and take the steps that will help reshape the beliefs/ideas/experiences/mindsets so that they can more easily connect with others overall. Sure, attempting to stick to some basic formula of etiquette would also work, but that's more of a cosmetic patch that quickly crumbles after a bit of back and forth.)
And then there are of course those who're here with no intent/hope of more than the platonic, but aren't out and out averse to it either. Sometimes buddies turn into close friends, and sometimes that turns into all kinds of something elses, without either party actively initiating anything with intent. But others have mentioned that elsewhere in this thread and some other ones, so I'll leave it at that.
*one with confirmation bias of personal experience, so take it with a grain of salt
As my mom always used to say, "The sooner, the quicker!"
As my mom always used to say, "The sooner, the quicker!"
As I like to say, "It's been added to the list". Only 35 items to go.
I think a man looking for sex might be here because he's not willing to hire a hooker. There can be all sorts of reasons for this. It's also worthwhile to remember that most men would be willing to have sex unless they had a reason to say no; so even if a man didn't come here looking specifically for sex, but the opportunity arose, or even the perception that it might, then a man would likely be up for it, unless there were some perceived reason to say no.
Doesn't make it right to try and solicit sex, but it's never a bad idea to understand the psychology behind it.
@JT1980 Like I said, there are other websites(such as Adult Friend Finder) specifically for people looking for a sexual encounter. This isn't one of them.
What 2 adults do behind closed doors is up to them, so even though the purpose of the site is of the platonic context, when 2 people who meet talk, get to know each other, and click, other things may materialize. But if you are on here for the intent of finding a significant other, its not really the right place for it, particularly when it comes to the paid cuddlers, for that could be seen as prostitution. I know a paid cuddler here in Birmingham who has fired a couple of her clients because they had mutual interest outside of just cuddling and wanted to give it a shot, so obviously you cant pay someone for cuddling and at the same time be dating them. But if you aren't a paid cuddler on here and you just happen to meet on here and other things develop, so be it. But don't treat the site as a meat market.
I understand that this is not a site for finding sexual encounters. I'm not looking for that or justifying anyone who is here looking for that. All I'm saying is that for many people it's not always a cut and dried thing; boundaries can be fuzzy and pliable. That applies to both men and women.
People often become a bit aroused during cuddling, and need to be responsible in not acting on that. It should be no surprise that some people are less able or willing to restrain themselves, and it's always something to take into consideration.
I have tried to start conversations with people from my area without pics. They don't respond.
@Buck You'll have a better chance getting a reply from Elvis.
@Mike403, hey, with a Ouija board, some peanut butter banana sandwiches, some EXLax for easy spiritual colon cleansing, and a big bottle of pills with his name on it, Elvis would probably deign to pass on a message from the great beyond, don't you think?