Does your boyfriend or girlfriend know that you cuddle strangers online?

Sweetcuddler82

I am currently single but if I do start dating someone again I'm unsure as to how to tell someone I cuddle with strangers online for some extra cash. I don't know if they would judge me and how exactly I should go about handling a situation like this, do I not tell them at all? I don't want to start a connection based off of lies and dishonesty. But not telling someone is not the same as lying or is it? I don't want to be judged or looked at funny either or possibly left bc it's purely platonic for me. I was hoping anyone who does do this but has a boyfriend or girlfriend can tell me the best way to go about this. This has been on my mind for a minute. Thank you.

BoomerSpooner

I think you should put it out there as soon as you can or you will be plagued by doubts. I am no expert, but maybe if you show them how a session goes by doing a session with them as if they were a client they might understand. But when it comes right down to it, if they are unable to trust you or accept your choices then the relationship was never going to last anyway. But you need to tell them. The longer you wait the more it appears you were hiding something when you do tell them.

natickben

In my view, if you don’t tell them you are taking away their ability to fully consent to the relationship.

It might not be a problem for you, but it could be for them. Hiding it from them doesn’t change that, it just takes away their ability to make up their own mind what they want to do about it.

bekah_cuddles

My boyfriend has known from the beginning and is very supportive. It's great to have him as an emergency contact in case things go wrong, and he knows exactly when I'm supposed to call him, when I'm supposed to be home, etc.

Being single I don't have that issue but it seems like not telling your partner would be deceptive. If I had a partner and that wasn't revealed it would be a game changer.

Catloaf

Hi, singleton here who was with a longtime partner during the first couple years of being a pro. I think it’s definitely best to be open about it from the get-go, so that you’re not deceiving anyone or wasting their time. That will cost you mental energy, more than you think.

I think it’s important that you seek out people who aren’t of the mindset that cuddling = sex. You are much more likely to be accepted by people who are open-minded and have a laid back philosophy around touch, who understand that what you do is not lite escorting. People in the general public will have a hard time believing a job title like ours is not sexual, so try to be mindful of where you’re seeking your partner as well.

Be prepared to have a sit-down talk with your potential partner, and maybe a list of community articles on the profession. Cuddle Sanctuary and Snuggle with Sam have great ones. I think phrasing can also play a big role here. “Platonic touch provider” might go down easier than “I cuddle with people for extra money”. Personally, I would not use the term professional cuddler. Most of the time it seems to make people cringe, and frankly, it does for me too so I’ve laid off it a little bit.

I agree with inviting your potential partner to try out a session for themselves. You can emphasize that this is exactly what clients get when they book you, and reassure them that although you’re getting close with others, it doesn’t mean it will impact your relationship.

I know for myself that I will save any hassle next time by dating inside the tantra, cuddling or alternative community. That’s going to be hard for me as somewhat of a monogamist in my personal relationships, but I figure people in those types of lifestyles will be far more accepting , respectful of and interested in my role as both a cuddler, and an aspiring coach/counsellor.

hugonehugall

I look at it a little differently.... I don’t think it’s the information you owe them on the 1st or 2nd date because at that point you’re not sure if they’ll be around long enough for it to even matter why put yourself out there or potentially your clients for no reason. Once you establish you’re headed to an actual relationship with this person then you may want to share with them you know how you make your money to put food on the table and such.

Sashamcgee

I'm of the mind that if people are judging you for this (other than illegal things) that they aren't meant to be in your life anyways. So my partner does know and if they didn't like it they wouldn't be for me.

CuddleDuncan

It's how you earn your living, at least in part, so tell them the first time that topic comes up. Many people will not have come across it before and may take a while to get used to the idea, which is fine. But anybody who has a genuine problem with it doesn't even deserve to be your friend, never mind your partner.

When I was young and foolish, people on dates were always very keen to present their best features and keep the stuff they perceived as potentially problematic in the background. Now that we are all older and wiser, people on dates normally say on about the second date, "OK well there's this thing ...." and then tell me the most negative and offputting thing about themselves. Smart people don't waste time pretending.

Oh, and lying by omission is one of the worst kinds of lying, if you can have such a thing. It's lying with cowardice on the side.

And of course it all depends how you put it .....

Do you wish the world was a better place?
Well, yes of course.
Do you think it would be a better place if humans were more connected to and caring for each other?
Yes
Do you wish that all the lonely and miserable people out there could get a hug?
Yes, sure
Do you think it's cool that I can actually make the world a better place by doing that for a job?
[Nearly impossible to answer anything other than yes]

It's how you make money, so it's just a job. When the topic comes up naturally about what you do for a living, it's a good time to mention it. If they have a problem with it or are judgemental about your lifestyle, then that's a red flag anyway. You shouldn't have to justify yourself to anyone, least of all someone you don't know well.

If it progresses to a later stage and they find out, or you tell them later, and they have a problem with it, it will be much worse. Just be honest from the start so they can decide if they want to go ahead with a relationship, with all of the information available to them.

Tersay

I told them as soon as I made a profile and they were really happy for me. I think if my partner wasn't as happy as I was about being a cuddler we wouldnt be dating lol

MissAdventurous

Both my partners are onboard and love that I get fulfillment in helping others.

I_Am_Not_A_Cat

I think if you don't tell them you're only hurting your chances. I can't imagine anyone being more comfortable with you having this job if they don't find out until months in. At that point I think you'll have a harder time explaining it's platonic as the most likely response will be "why didn't you tell me earlier?" They might still be ok, but someone who might have been ok if you told them initially, might not be ok if they found out months in as then it looks like your were hiding something. If they think that then all the reassurance in the world probably won't work as they already know you're ok with keeping major things secret. So now the issue won't be just way you say, but also want you don't say.

I can see waiting until the second date, as it's early enough that people won't feel deceived, and even then it's early, they'll still have met you by then so they'll at least have some concept of you. But I wouldn't wait much longer.

sassorison

Hi! Married dude here. I think if your partner is the kind of person to have a problem, then it's better to be upfront, then for them to find out you've been sneaking around behind their back. Should that happen, I would assume you had alternative reasons for your actions, and be upset that you'd been cheating on me.

But you're not cheating if they agreed to that relationship in the first place! Good luck!

(Also yeah, what jinx said. If it's a touchy topic, second date makes sense)

Also, I thought the tattoo under your eye was interesting until I realized that it was the "next picture" arrow!

NeuroDiversity

Hell no 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Deliberately withholding information from a committed partner seems to me like a sign that the partnership might need ending.

"You didn't ask" is fine if you legitimately thought they wouldn't care, wouldn't ever wonder who you were chatting with online or where you were when you went to meet them. Although... uh... if they didn't care about any of that I kinda wonder what kind of committed partner they are.

Still. "Don't ask, don't tell" is probably fine for stuff like that one time you got your head stuck in an inner tube.

cuddles_ndream

I stopped seeking cuddles once I got in good terms with my best friend again, I don’t want to withhold this information from her nor I want to lie to her so I just stopped ... in your case I personally don’t think it is necessary to tell them unless the relationship becomes serious or you guys consider taking a next step (when it does happen), but transparency in the beginning makes everything easier in the long run, best of luck 🌌

@cuddles_ndream: You stopped cuddling so you wouldn't have to tell your best friend that you cuddle? Dude. That's....

I mean, why would your best friend be bothered by you cuddling? I'd be pleased if my best friend was doing something they liked.

cuddles_ndream

Yes @DarrenWalker, compromise is something most people in relationships do (to my understanding you don’t have romantic relationships?)

cuddles_ndream

Edit: that’s not to say that everyone in romantic relationships wouldn’t be okay with their partners cuddling others ... ive seen several people here voice that they’re ok with their partners cuddling others , or they cuddling themselves, so it comes down to each individual relationship, in my case I know it would make her feel insecure & I wouldn’t want to do that, nor do it secretly behind her back so I just don’t.

@cuddles_ndream: I'm just saying, man—if you quit doing something you enjoy so you can keep the fact that you do it/have done it secret from your best friend... well, that strikes me as kind of weird.

She's your friend, right? Not your romantic partner?

cuddles_ndream

I like to call her my best friend 🌌 ♥️ She’s much more than that & I understand what you mean ... it just simply comes down to compromise , it will hurt her, she will feel as if she isn’t enough ... I don’t ever want her to feel that she isn’t because she is & in my thought process I switch the roles in my mind and think ... how would I feel if she seeks such an emotional & vulnerable setting with with someone else ... so the answer becomes clear

@cuddles_ndream: Riiiight....

So you call her your friend, but you feel something different than friendship for her.

And you say "more" like friendship is something less, which is a whole can of worms on its own but unmistakably implies (given the culture we're in) that you're feeling romantic and possibly sexy feelings for her, which isn't terribly friendly in my opinion: I'd definitely call it something different.

And then you say you'd hate it if she did the same platonic thing you've done with people who aren't her with people who aren't you.

That's not what I'd call friendship, personally. Too possessive.

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Look, you want a romantic relationship with her, fine. You want to hide the fact that you're a cuddler from her—maybe not so fine. Would you be bothered if she said she cuddled with other people earlier but now she only wants to cuddle with you?

Or would it bother you more to discover that she'd cuddled others and hadn't told you?

cuddles_ndream

Lol you’re making a lot of assumptions & getting way ahead of yourself 😂 you’re making yourself look a bit ridiculous... the poster asked a question , everybody gave their own opinions (mostly people in relationships) you asked me a question, I answered you, & now you’re responding to me as if I’m asking or seeking advice from you ... stop while you’re ahead lol

@cuddles_ndream: Eh, fair enough. But to the OP—don't think that just stopping and then never telling is a good option.

That's just as dishonest as straight-up lying when you know full well they'd probably want to know.

@cuddles_ndream I don't think @DarrenWalker is "making himself look a bit ridiculous" at all, that was needlessly patronizing. As someone who does have relationships, I agree with him entirely on this one. Come on...

• You're posting about this in a thread about boyfriends/girlfriends minding if you cuddle other people
• You're saying she's much more than your best friend
• You wouldn't like it if she was cuddling other people, and it seems like you're making the assumption she wouldn't like it if you were cuddling others as well. Just to clarify, do you know this would make her feel insecure (ie. she's told you this explicitly) or do you think it would?
• When asked, "You stopped cuddling so you wouldn't have to tell your best friend that you cuddle?" you responded yes, because people make compromises in relationships, and then added, "to my understanding you don’t have romantic relationships?" If you were only talking about a friendship, how was your parenthetical remark relevant?

As a side note - compromises in any relationship are based on needs that have been expressed, not assumptions made about what somebody needs. If you're giving up something based on an assumption made about what someone needs, that's not compromise, you're making a sacrifice of your own volition.

NeuroDiversity

Since when is any of this about morality?

Oh, interesting, @NeuroDiversity! Does this look like a discussion of morality to you, then? To me it looks like a discussion of how best to handle information within a committed relationship—not for the sake of an externally imposed code, but for the sake of a functional, mutually enjoyable relationship.

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Also... thanks, @squeakytoy. I appreciate that.

BoomerSpooner

The question always is “who’s morality”?

cuddles_ndream

@squeakytoy i only read up to the part “@cuddlles_ndream I don’t think @DarrenWalker” and than stopped right there, literally!!’ ... all that was for nothing, I never asked you what you think he meant or didn’t mean, & on top of that you wrote a book 📚 lol

@cuddles_ndream Whatever bruh, if you've sensitive about this topic I'll let it be.

@DarrenWalker No problem! It grinds my gears when people lash out in response to perfectly reasonable questions.