Why do (most) men do awful things on these sites?

edited November 2022 in General

Disclaimers: I'm a guy myself, and obviously not all guys are like this. I'm referring to specific actions of men that other people talk about in their experience. If you don't do these things, then I'm not talking about you. Also, what I say here applies both for this site, and other sites meant for dating - the same interactions happen.

I was reading another thread about inactivity on this site. One discussion lead to male enthusiasts vs female enthusiasts, and why there are much fewer females than males. From personal experiences, women talk about men who were anywhere from rude to just awful to them; being demanding, inflexible, and inappropriate, among other things. Hence, women leave and/or don't respond to messages as often.

Why is it the standard for men to be awful? Like I get that no one is perfect. But like, you tell me that your only availability is Tuesday afternoons, and I'll try to figure out a way (and say, sorry that won't work, if I really can't). You want additional photos, or to talk on the phone to know I'm who i say i am, sure! I can't travel easily because I don't drive, but like, I'm not going to be rude about it if someone else couldn't or wouldn't either. Nothing that I hear complaints about is something I would ever consider doing.
I'm not going to send pictures of my dick, because that's disgusting - why do so many other men do that? I get uncomfortable even saying it out loud because it sounds inappropriate and downright insane to me, yet it's something that happens all the time. I wouldn't feel even remotely okay doing that.
I'm not going to be inappropriate with someone I meet, because again, that's awful. A friend at work talked about how someone they met on a dating app said out loud, on their first date, that they were going to have sex with them (in some euphemism I don't remember). What the fuck? Nevermind that this is a site for platonic things; I would never do something like that at all, anywhere, because it's fucked up.

Why do i care about this? "When you help others, you can't help helping yourself." (Avenue Q)

I do think/talk about this with a selfish motive (like, it sucks and I feel bad for people that go through this, but I wouldn't write out a post just to say it); the fact that my chances of meeting up with someone are hindered because of the overwhelming majority of shitty guys that women meet. I really hate it, because it limits my own ability to meet people and I can't do anything about it. It's hard to know if most people I reach out to are just buried in messages, or if people look at me, my bio/pictures, and aren't interested. (It's probably some of both). (edit: also the fact that it's a numbers game to begin with, naturally more guys than girls anyways)

Honestly, why do guys think it's acceptable to behave in those ways? And is there anything I can do, as someone who isn't perfect (but isn't like that, ffs) to meet people? I'm pretty sure I can already guess why guys do it, but no harm in asking. And thank you to people who behave normally.



  • Actually if most men are awful like you say, then it should make it even easier for you to find someone to cuddle with, since you will really stand out.
    The main issue is that there are far more men than women and their inboxes are full of messages.

    If all those guys were perfect gentleman then you'd still have trouble finding anyone because most women don't want 30 cuddle buddies. They want 1 or 2 at most.

  • edited November 2022

    "Like you say"
    I don't know for sure because i can't say from experience, obviously. I just literally read multiple people talking about it in another thread, though. In addition to what two people have told me, this is the conclusion I can come to.

    I don't really get a chance to stand out if I don't get to talk to someone after my initial message. I'm sure (hoping???) men don't open with this stuff and are at least somewhat decent to begin with. Or conversely, I don't get the "chance" to do the rude things I describe (or show that I don't) because nothing usually has gone past an initial message. When I see others describe these bad experiences, it makes me upset in one way because I would never do that, yet there's no way to really show that.

    And yes, I know there are more men than women online, like I said, it is a numbers game. It doesn't mean that this isn't something that happens. If you got a ton of bad experiences with people, you would be less likely to continue trying/responding.

  • It's definitely not most men, the awful ones are the minority. It's just that there are SO MANY MEN that the awful ones stand out. The bad experiences stand out. Predators and crappy people are more active, more noticeable, they prey on people. The internet enables people to be awful and have little to no consequences. It's the perfect recipe, nothing you or I or anyone else can do to stop it.

  • edited November 2022

    Thats better to hear, that it's not most men.

    The way I hear it from others, it sounds that way. But if it is the minority, then that's at least a lot better.

    The anonymity of the internet is also a big thing thst I don't consider enough. I don't speak the way I do online that I do offline (no one does). But I still treat people respectfully regardless, it's hard to imagine just not caring that much.

  • I understand the question, but I can’t help but feel these types of questions are inherently laced with judgement whether intentional or not. We do not know if it was one bad decision while drunk, if they are blind to their offensiveness, or if they are misogynists. There are a myriad of reasons why men do what they do. And there are several ways of doing it the right way—but I have come to the conclusion that it is pointless to offer suggestions in the forums because everything is deconstructed and analyzed ad nauseum.

    The answer is who knows. If you are doing it right, you do you. If you are not your CC life will be short and sweet when your profile and presence on the site are euthanized by the moderators. May the cuddle gods have mercy on your snuggle soul.

  • I definitely think these types of people are deserving of being judged (or at the very least, questioned), but I understand your point.

  • But you aren’t really questioning the perps. So you will never really know the why. Everything is conjecture.

  • Ohh, I see. I get what you were saying now.

  • As a man, I simply want a cuddle, it's why I am here... Why be a pig and ruin my chances of getting what I want? I don't have things to hide (except my genitals - outside of the site and in the correct and socially acceptable manner I'd show them to non-members of CC, but they certainly don't belong in a picture)!

    I dunno, maybe I am getting old (get off my lawn!) But I can't imagine why the kind of girl I would like to... "Lay with" would ever want to see my junk in a picture without being together for a year or two first.

    It could also be because people in general are more likely to share a negative experience over a positive - how many of us don't hear a peep from our boss until we screw up?

  • edited November 2022

    The premise of this entire thread is flawed - a classic case of “sample bias”. It is the equivalent of asking “why do most planes crash?”.

    I’ve watched newscasts for 40+ years and I have yet to see news coverage of a plane that landed safely at the Indianapolis International airport (the nearest airport to me). However, I have seen countless stories about plane crashes not only in Indiana or even North America but all over the world. If I formed my opinion of airline safety based on media coverage I would never fly.

    Using “atmospherically derived data” (I.e. numbers pulled out of thin air) if there are 5,000 men on this site and 10 or even 50 of them send inappropriate / crude messages to a new enthusiast… 1) it is still a problem and 2) that is nowhere near “most men”.

    Likewise, if you go to a restaurant and have 10 decent meals (not bad but not spectacular) then on the 11th visit you have the WORST meal of your life, which experience are you most likely to share with your friends and anyone who will listen? It is human nature to focus on the negative because negative experiences often represent danger and we want to keep the “tribe” safe by reporting danger.

  • From my perspective, as a female, if you compared the men that are on this site to the men on other dating sites, you'd see that the guys here are pretty normal. My only issue has been the question of compatibility for a cuddle. Yeah, you get a lot of messages and of course you have your bad apples every now and then, but at worst, my chief complaint has been boredom. The only real issue I find is there isn't enough people on the site that capture my interest.

    As far as your question is concerned, if you want to stand out, starting a message out with highlights from what you've said here would definitely pique ones curiosity.

  • People have already made some valid points, but just to add my 2 cents:

    Sure, some guys mess it up for the rest of us by being assholes, pervs etc, but you can be the most respectful and patient guy and still get ghosted. It's simply a matter of finding a cuddler who is compatible.

    When you don't get a response from someone, it's easy to think "oh they think I'm just another perv like 'most guys'" or "they must be rejecting me because of my race/age"

    At the end of the day, you will never know why you were rejected. It's a waste of energy trying to find the reasons. Just move on and keep looking for someone who will accept you and not hold prejudice with you before you even meet. That's the healthiest way to go about things. There are too many "why me" posts on this site trying to come up with reasons for not getting cuddles. Keep trying, and if you never find anyone to cuddle with then try a different medium.

    And to answer your question about why some men do those rude things? Because they want things easy and don't know how (or don't care) to talk to women in order to get those things. They think: "Maybe I'll send her my junk, she'll get hot and heavy, and she'll give me a free cuddle!"

    Then there are the guys who only like women for their bodies but deep down they actually hate women. They'll play nice until they encounter resistance, then the true side comes out (being rude, demanding, clingy, even violent)

    It's not a good way to think, but we are not talking about mentally sound people here, are we?

  • @Gibstack as a pro, I have a very strong vetting system before a man enters my bubble, with a lot of messaging back and forth, getting a picture and meeting in public, so I don’t get as many physical cuddles turning horrible. I’ve had some that kept incessantly asking for nude cuddles, quite a few asked for lingerie, a lot asked if we could have sex after, one just out and out grabbed my chest while I was moving my hair and a lot of them say they understand that I’m happily married but are hoping for a relationship nonetheless.

    The bad ones come through messages. I can only use my own experience to show that for my life, it IS most men. I receive about 10 messages a day from different ppl. One could be from a pro, another from a mod. So the other 8 are from random men talking with me. 7 out of those 8 men turn it sexual.

    Just this week, these are some ideas of what I get all the time, almost every day, multiple times:

    asked if he could enact his foot fetish

    another said “he likes to be a naughty boy”,

    Dick pic

    Dick pic

    Asked to have sex

    Nude cuddling

    If he could lick my underarms and want me to moan while doing so…..

    Wants to have sex

    Wants to have sex

    Asked if he could “respectfully” grab my breasts

    Wants kissing

    Wants kissing

    Said he wants to spank me

    This one wanted my number so he could verbally abuse me

    So that’s this week…. I won’t bother getting into too many others I e experienced this week but this is my norm. And then out of these absolutely gross, pitiful disgusting wastes of flesh, I do get a good man here and there….

    I said all that to say that I’m glad you want to help! You were asking what you could do to make this better! As a man, just don’t be a bystander to other men around you saying derogatory things. This “locker talk” excuse has to end. I’ve had men tell me that other guys around him talk about how women are only meant to be holes to have fun with. Others talk about how we are only meant to be bare foot and pregnant, to shut our mouths and listen to the men. If you are around these conversations, one way to help is to step forward to say these talks are not ok…

    I’m sorry that the majority of men around here and other sites ruin it for the actual genuine good guys, but us women need to be safe 😫

  • Sheena123, so sorry that you have had these experiences with “most guys” on here.

  • Try me out

  • The only awful people i interact with on this site are women, so i wouldn’t have any experience in what your saying.

  • edited November 2022

    Wow @Sheena123 that's so scary. All my messages have been so sweet and respectful.

    Whoa, now that makes me nervous.

  • @Gibstack hopefully this post you made will get you more cuddles. Because if I knew that everybody was respectful kind and courteous and cuddly and safe I could do this full-time. Even though I’ve had a lot of amazing cuddlers, it seems like every day I think I need to get off the site.

    I have heard other things from every single one of my cuddler‘s not one exception I don’t think that, a female pro has asked them for extras or undressed in front of them, or said it’s extra if you want topless, Answer the door in a thong. So there’s a lot of mixed messages out there unfortunately.
    I think that’s why my profile is so clear. I’m just looking for platonic cuddles lol

  • @PrettyLuv honestly, it could just be because I’m a pro cuddler. Maybe these men assume that because they are paying me, they want to get what they can out of me. I’ll feed off of what @KozyKim said about these women offering extras. I don’t want them here. These women perpetuate the idea that I should be doing these naughty things too. I get so many men saying “well, so and so did this so you should do this thing too”… but these sex workers are not all to blame.

    My profile is blatantly obvious that I’m here for platonic experiences only. That my job is completely non-sexual. These men are aware of that and know the rules. No amount of sex workers throwing themselves on to them should allude them to thinking it’s ok to ask me for sexual favours. These certain men may be gross, but they aren’t dumb. I’m perfectly fine with sex work. But I’m not fine with it being here on this platonic site. But even though it’s here, that does not excuse the men that ask and/or do gross things.

    Anywho, I told myself I wasn’t going to fight this good fight anymore because way too many times on this site, there is more negative feedback and lack of understanding as opposed to ppl understanding that just cuz it hasn’t happened to you yourself, it does not negate the dozens and dozens of women that have come forward to say exactly what I say. It falls on deaf ears basically…

    When I do get to the gems that want to cuddle me, and they actually want to have a good, platonic connection and are here for the right reasons, they keep me going. The men that I have absolutely incredible snuggles with that don’t try to grab at me, kiss me, or ask inappropriate things, and basically do the bare minimum of being a respectful human being, they make it worth while.

  • @Sheena123 Wow, that’s horrible! Hopefully all those accounts have been banned.

  • I think the nature of these sites can lore predatory behavior. It’s not a black/white good men vs bad men issue. It’s the fact that when predators find an easy outlet with easy targets (compassionate & caring women), they will take full advantage.

  • @Sheena123 I agree with you Sheena, it’s no excuse. They agreed to the rules. They read our profile. That should be enough.

  • Sounds like alot of huffin and puffin venting mostly geez

  • @Sheena123, as a man and a cuddler I've heard from women I've cuddled with some of the same things that you're saying, and I feel sad as well as angry that those individuals presented themselves that way.
    @ClubSamwiches that's a good perspective and why it's important that the moderators do the job that they do, and also important that everyone who has a bad experience reports the person that violated the CuddleComfort community guidelines.

  • @carino your comment is out of line

  • edited November 2022


    Some men do what they do here for the same reason some men are vegetarians. That is, it's a complicated mix of culture and individual experience.

    That said, I do think that the concept of cuddling and the concept of having sex aren't clear to most people and a number of well-meaning people think cuddling is sex under a different name, the same way one often calls a prostitute an escort. The latter sounds better. In fact, I suspect that if you polled the entire country and asked what cuddling was, 90 percent of people would equate it with actual sex or with foreplay. So men looking for sex often get here by accident—so to speak—not really understanding what cuddling and this site are really all about. And because the dominant culture is so strong, all the descriptions, FAQs, and warnings on this site about cuddling are misinterpreted, the same way that because of implicit bias the actions of a black person can be misinterpreted by a white cop. Implicit bias means that people see what they want to see. They see what their culture tells them to see.

    So am I condoning offensive or predatory behavior? Of course not. But I am saying it comes with the territory. Legitimate escorts are sometimes hit on. Really tall black men are often asked if they play basketball. Cultural assumptions in both instances. Doesn't make either of them right. But it makes them understandable.

  • You also have a site that gathers a lot of compassionate, caring and vulnerable people in one place. For a predator, that's like a buffet.

  • As a compassionate client it's also an amazing place to meet some incredible pros who appreciate us for being that way, rather than digging in their claws and taking advantage - just saying.

  • edited November 2022

    It was never intended to be "in line" with the rest of the posts here mark

    That's unfortunate, @carino . I do fully intend to place you in forum timeout. I don't see your tenure here to be a long one, at all. [-Sid]

    Update: welcome to Banned Camp, I'm your Banned Director, and I play the Ban Hammer, and my favorite song, Hammer Time.

  • Smh @ “most men”… there’s this crazy narrative on the forums that tries to justify reasons for certain things and its simply not true.

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