Hey Guys, How Come So Terse?

littermate

I am looking for some insight into why fellows are on this site and barely fill anything out in their profiles. Is it that they feel pathetic or embarrassed to be on a cuddle site? Is it that they have a hard time knowing what to say? Is it that they don't want to invest too much? Is it that expressing oneself as a guy in these areas/matters feels risky, feels hard?

As a nonpro, an empty or a very brief profile is nearly grounds for me to eliminate someone, simply because there are plenty of folks who I can get to know from their profiles so why waste time asking a ton of questions? I also expect the person to be as terse in messaging as in their profile. I find I take the presence of a profile to be evidence that a man groks my perspective as a non-pro - i.e. that I want to get to know them in order to build trust about them being a kind, boundaried person.

So I'm interested to hear your perspectives guys. Why do men so often have no profile, or a one or two sentence profile?

geoff1000

@littermate
"It's complicated", as they say.

It might be because every word is a potential filter which could put someone off, even if it wasn't important. For example, a movie one admires, might have a tiny element that gives a negative impression of the viewer.

Some men would be happy to be treated by a female partner, as just a warm body. Those females who want to know more, suggest they are looking for a more intellectual connection. That in turn might mean being stuck in the cuddle equivalent of the "friend zone". Those I chat with on this forum, are very unlikely as partners owing to the distance.

Certainly true that there is a gender divide, that the female non-pros have the upper hand ; so the male non-pros can feel they are queuing up at a soup kitchen for the homeless. Those ladling out the soup would be happy to discuss what motivates their philanthropy, but those eating it perhaps just want a quiet break from the park bench they must soon go back to.

"Seeking a cuddle partner", has a lot of negative implications for men, and perhaps negative self-feelings. As Groucho Marx might have said, "I wouldn't cuddle with anyone who would have someone like me as a partner".

The men who instead say effectively that they are looking for a cuddle partner for what they can offer as an experience, can come over as arrogant. "God's gift to cuddle-starved women."

calineur

I'm confused. If "there are plenty of folks who I can get to know from their profiles...", why ask the question?

I will make two or three observances, though, since I no doubt fall into the questioned category:

1. One possible reason is that we as men have been taught or learned that the more we say, the more likely we are to repel a potential partner. Thus, at least for me, that means the fewer words the better.
2. In my area there are very, very few enthusiast cuddlers. To motivate one of them to even view one's profile is a big deal. Therefore, going through all that effort would feel like a waste, and just make us feel worse. Even the pros pick and choose who they want to see, and they are so busy fielding messages most don't bother to even view one's profile when they are sent a message.
3. Thirdly, speaking for myself at least, I do not like to talk. That implies expressing feelings. And my comment on that would be: no, thank you.

Groucho

If you only see local Pros, there is little reason to, after all, they get a custom tailored message from me if I have interest.

hillbilly

I could explain that, but it's a long story :-)

cuddlerforu24

I think I once proposed a “ like “ button or some kind of thumbs up icon thing that uh- nom- uh- nus profile viewers can post on a profile that they viewed . This way

When a member gets enough “ thumbs down” things posted on his or her profile display , it is a signal that their “about” is lacking some thing , and that they should make improvements . Perhaps the editing could be done then request from the moderator that the “ profile like or dislike counter “ can be reset , ( similar to the dam check engine light on your car dashboard)

Certainly , this shouldn’t be taken seriously by the disliked member no one wants to be responsible for any suicides .

I’m also wondering if the thread was started because the OP came up on my visitor list last nite , viewing my one short paragraph,and was wondering “
Geez, what a pathetic feeling individual “

Maybe I should do a “ George Bailey “ from the movie...“It’s a worthless life “ and jump off the tallahatchee bridge .

Cuddlebugulous1

I have on and off filled out the profile with plenty of details. It did not really help. All it did was gain more attention from pros messaging me.

What seems to happens with non-pros is I get no response, or I’ll have a good conversation, and then they never log back on. I think what happens is the non-pros enjoy the attention from the conversation, but they want a hot guy, which I am not, so they just don’t follow up.

BashfulLoner

I think at sometimes the fear of being misunderstood would be a reason not to share much. Along with all of the things mentioned.

Cuddlebugulous1

Maybe another way to explain it is like this. When you put pictures and descriptions on a platform like this there is a certain amount of vulnerability involved. When you get no response or someone just stops communication it isn’t a warm, fuzzy, or happy feeling. Why put yourself out there?

geoff1000

It's called "quid pro quo" ; the females are more physically vulnerable, so it is reasonable for the males to make themselves emotionally vulnerable.

geoff1000

Many men would rather risk their life to slay a dragon, than risk their ego to ask the damsel out on a date.
Or is that just me ?

pmvines

@littermate Men in general ten to be less emotionally expressive and wordy than women, and also something like this (cuddling) may not be something some men feel entirely comfortable in their skin about. Also with it being the internet people of all genders may be hesitant to put too much about themselves online as it is all public and doesnt go away. I personally am more interested in what a person has to say in one on one messaging. For example, if someone has a wordy, lively profile and then their interactions are hey whats up and nothing much beyond that, then it makes me wonder if they didnt lift their profile from someone lol.

geoff1000

Perhaps a good substitute for a detailed profile, is to post witty and intelligent comments on a forum.

That's my plan anyway, I just need to think up some witty and intelligent comments.

snuggleme123

Have you looked at women"s pages? Women are commonly more verbose then men and it is no different here. However, I have seen many female profiles with no pic and no bio. It is by no means a male only phenomenon. There is an active pro in my area with no pic and no bio. Keep in mind that a guy that puts up a bunch of words may be trying to sell a fake product. Personally I am not a facebook dude trying to sell the world a product. Here I am, take it or leave it. If what I put up does not make a person want to message me and invest in getting to know me then no biggie. I would much rather spend more time with a few friends than less time with more friends. I have comparatively few friends but they are deep friendships and that is good for me. I have made some good friendships here and I am happy with that as well.

So you may see a profile with few words that offers a deep friendship or a verbose and eloquent bio that sells a bill of goods and every variation in between. In both male and female versions. Welcome to the human existence.

adorable48

1. It’s hard to know what to say ( along with what everyone else said )
2. I’ve tried, but I’m pretty succinct when I talk and ‘most’ folks in the past, either on here or other places, just wanted to know when and where. They didn’t really care about what I was like, so it’s like why bother. .... and I’m adorable 😂

After experimenting a few years with long profiles and short two sentence profiles I realized one thing: it didn’t matter.

Having multiple images up seemed to matter more.

I think it all depends on the person. Some people are more private than others. Maybe there is a need for discretion? I try to share enough to catch someones interest, but not too much.

While having a pic or 2 on a profile is nice, does that in turn cause a potential cuddle friend from not contacting you if you aren't attractive enough for them? To me, it should be more important to find someone who matches your cuddle style rather than going by physical appearance. This is about cuddling, not sex, so why should "looks" be a factor?

mike_honcho

it depends on the individual, and gender doesn’t make a difference. post as little or as much as your heart desires. ive reached out to non-pros with no pic and very little in their bio. most that i find often never come back to the site...but it doesn’t stop me from trying. wasting one’s time by asking a bunch of questions, is not much different than reading a two page bio, then realizing that was a waste of time.

so what, if the person is brief in their profile? what’s wrong with engaging people and getting to know them? revert to my first sentence...it depends on the individual.

portlandcuddle

Sometimes we just want to window shop and put in the least amount of information to access the system.

UKGuy

@littermate - Always complaints about men. What about the women with terse profiles? From what I'm seeing, the vast majority have one or two sentences.

CuddleStella

I think a lot of times the description profile section can be a huge ??? For folks. I know for some folks, they rather reveal less, and only put out what is asked for (I understand this is for various reasons and it has its good reasons) but a profile that is empty or filled out doesn’t make much of a difference as @chococuddles said. It’s more photos.

Sometimes I think it’s helpful to have prompts like “favorite ____” or “I cuddle because______” but too many may overwhelm folks fill them out. Like other sites with profiles, sometimes folks keep it short and simple and some don’t even put anything at all. Only a few of us post as much as we feel is necessary. Even less post more than necessary.

StoryDoctor1138

I'm not sure how anyone can be expected to show interest of any kind in someone with a sparse or empty profile. You have to provide at least a skeletal coat rack upon which to hang the slimmest of conversations. Otherwise, it's like walking past an open, empty cardboard box on the sidewalk; there may have been something interesting in there, but there's no impetus to find out what it was.

StarCaptSilas

Coming from someone who fillef out his profile and is a little more emotionally expressive:

1.) I hate to say this and people might not be willing to admit this about themselves but physical attraction DOES play a role, even in platonic cuddling. Sure, "if you're just looking for a cuddle buddy how they look or their gender shouldn't matter". That only works in theory and on paper. If you feel you're not conventionally attractive (thus don't post a photo of yourself) as a man, you may have a harder time landing a nonpro.

2.) Men looking for "a cuddle buddy" will always have a negative connotation attached to it. Even on sites like this where everyone knows that cuddle buddy doesn't mean sexual partner the implication can still hang around people's minds. So why bother sparking that by filling out a profile?

3.) Men (in general) don't like expressing emotions or sharing them with people. It causes more problems than it's worth and it's impolite, or so we're taught. As men, we are taught that we're supposed to be strong and should bear our emotions alone, on top of the emotions of our friends, partners and children. Filling out a profile with a need to be held is an expression of emotion. Many men won't admit this out loud but we love being the small spoon. That can be taken as a sign of vulnerability, even as a cuddle buddy. We're not supposed to be vulnerable (cultural bullshit, I know). Asking or wanting to be held is a sign of vulnerability.

4.) What if someone we know sees our profile online and we have to explain to them why we're looking for a cuddle buddy?

Granted these are just a few theories as to why, based on conversations I've had with guys I've cuddled. By that same token the same can be asked of ANYONE who doesn't fill out profiles or add pictures.

littermate

Thank you everyone for your well-considered input on this curiosity of mine. I appreciate it and learned some things from you guys, thanks so much!!

A few specific responses here...

@calineur

I'm confused. If "there are plenty of folks who I can get to know from their profiles...", why ask the question?

Because I'm curious about men is probably the simplest answer.

@hillbilly hee hee

@cuddlerforu24

I’m also wondering if the thread was started because the OP came up on my visitor list last nite , > viewing my one short paragraph,and was wondering “
Geez, what a pathetic feeling individual “

I don't see men as pathetic. I used that word because a man used it to describe how he feels being on this site. So I wondered if that was a widespread feeling. I do not view men without voluminous profiles as pathetic. I view them as men without voluminous profiles.

I probably clicked on you because of a forum comment to see if you were near me or to see more about you. I'm enjoying getting to know the peeps on here regardless of whether they have immediate cuddle potential or not. So your comment stood out in some way that made me want to see more about who you are.

@ElGuero

so what, if the person is brief in their profile? what’s wrong with engaging people and getting to know them?

There's nothing wrong with it and I don't think I said there was anything wrong with it. I am curious about it. AND, it had elicited a certain response in me that I wanted to communicate (basically, the response it elicits is I move on). Nothing wrong with engaging people and getting to know them and I do that A LOT. But I have observed, at least in myself, that if a profile is terse, I generally don't continue unless there's another outstanding reason, like they have a hilarious picture, or have made an interesting forum comment. It just looks like a ghost to me.

@UKGuy

Always complaints about men. What about the women with terse profiles?

It's unfortunate that we're on the web and you can't hear my tone. I'm not complaining about men. I delight in men. I'm talking about men because I have noticed this in men's profiles and am curious about men and their reasons, reasons which may be different than women's reasons. And right now I'm curious about men, not women. If someone else wants to talk about women's profiles because they are curious about that, go ahead! I also visit men's profiles much more, and when I have visited women's profiles, they haven't been as terse, so this isn't a well-researched and comprehensive critique about terse profiles - it's one woman's experience and curiosity, no critique. I realize that widely when women say the word "men" it's usually followed with some kind of slamming, but that is not the case here and I have no fury at men. I do have a lot of curiosity.

Again, thanks everyone! Some great input here and if others have more, I'm interested.

MissAdventurous

It's interesting to me that they would not fill out more. Perhaps the site itself represents the evolutionary thought that men also deserve connection and platonic touch to balance the lack of in our culture.

As a woman, very rarely am I negatively looked at, that I am a danger. I can be around children and other women seemlessly, be affectionate, hug, communicate with less restrictions of society viewpoints that deem to afflict the well being of any man's life.

I think that innate connection and need for touch can burden communication and further vulnerability of many men who come to this site from the range of pure curiosity to true therapeutic need, because they've been taught to be cautious their whole life. It's not going go change overnight to get over that.

If these thoughts apply to you, please consider writing a little something in your profile, it means a lot to us ladies and you do not need to suffer through those feelings alone, nor actively explain your emotions if you don't deem necessary. But at the end of the day, I respect your boundaries for discretion and understand.

cuddlerforu24

@littermate ... it’s ok , when I got to the tallahatche bridge Bobbie Gentry met me and told me I have the wrong movie , song , and that this is the bridge that Billie Joe McAllister lept from and that I need to go the New York to the Bedford falls bridge and wait for my angel.

DonLonG

I joined this community on September 1. I filled out a little about me and dove straight into the forums for initial research. I found comments from people who complained because someone's profile was not filled in enough or absent/not enough pictures. I also quickly discovered that when you visit someone else's profile, it logs it into the visitors' section so they can visit you back.

I decided not to interact with anyone until I can do mine the right way. I didn't private message, or visit a profile, or post on the forum until after spending a week getting my profile filled it and pictures uploaded. Finally on September 6th I was ready to make contact with my first forum post, viewing local profiles, and sending out private messages. I carefully read locals' profiles and would send out customized responses based on what I read to make contact.

• On the 6th day, when I made my first forum post I started getting visitors.
• Day 8 I got my first Message. it was from a male in another state commenting on a forum post.
• Day 10 I got my first female reply, but also far away in another state, also regarding the forum.
• Day 11 I got my first local to message me. A male who saw me in the local listing and had a question.
• Day 14 I got my first local female to visit my page.
• Day 16 my first local female to respond to a message, but did not respond a second time.
• Day 19 my first back and forth female conversation, but she was from another state.
• Day 24 the first time I had a local female ask to make contact offsite (she was banned before I could reply)
• Day 28 first time I had a local female say she wants to meet in real life (She was also banned before we made arrangements)
• Day 96 I met face to face with a member of this site for the first time, a pro I booked for the experience and hoping Karma would aid me in the future.
• Day 111 I meet my first female enthusiast. She wasn't local, it was a 2-hour drive each way. And I found out she had no interest in cuddling. She had autism and was looking for someone to help her move some furniture. Then afterward she thanked me and said I could go home now, she needed to get ready to hang out with her friends that night.

For me personally, I have not found that a fuller profile helps much. Nor does reaching out with private messages, nor being active in the forums, nor being active all day long to stay at the top of the local search list. And I really tried for 4 months to give it a go, but there is some element unknown to me that is still hindering my search.

I'm a lot less active on this site then I have been the past few months because I have given up hope of finding an enthusiast, and now have a second job to save up enough to afford to pay someone to be my regular cuddle buddy.

hugonehugall

So if I can add my 3 cents to the topic there are a few reasons ... Most which have been touched on already.

1. Because of the male to female ratio here we can't afford to inadvertently disqualify someone by something we say on our profile before we get a chance to get to know someone. So instead of worrying about how to carefully craft each word and paragraph so nothing is taken out of context we've adapted the less is more philosophy. We figure anything important they really want to know they'll just ask us directly.
2. Those things in general are a pain in the a%s and we hate talking about ourselves and don't know what to say.
3. Because some of us maybe even a lot of us ( this goes for women too in regards to their profiles ) are trying to fly under the radar here and feel too much info about us in the open could potentially give away out true identity.
4. See reason #2

littermate

@DonLonG That's a sad tale, and I like how it's so backed up with detail -- it makes it hit home even harder. And that final enthusiast story, Lord!

You would be someone, from your forum posts, your profile, and your all-around delightful sense of humor and caring, who I would want to meet if you were closer to me.

I've been on since October and have met two wonderful cuddle buddies, neither of which lives where I generally live so I'm enjoying the one while it lasts, and have a plan to visit the second one. I have no idea if that will happen for me locally once I'm back in Colorado. I've probably exchanged with over 100 people, and visited many more. So it seems to be partly luck, partly persistence, partly geography, and who knows what else.

Thanks for the report on your experience.

littermate

@cuddlerforu24

BrianL

Honestly, I never know what to say, plus I tend to be quite quiet, even in person. Also, there's a chance that a lack of general self-esteem a part of it, for me it sure is. I don't take pride in myself or my "accomplishments".