Identifying yourself as the subject of the original post was completely optional, no one would have been able to determine who it was just based on the post.
@DarlingNikkii I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. You’re beautiful, and I wish you the best.
When someone asks me about my pronoun preference, what it tells me is that someone has some general awareness of queerness & things outside mainstream binary expectations--and this makes me feel extremely relieved. It makes me feel safe and considered.
I'm nonbinary but I don't bother putting that on my profile or telling anyone anymore unless they specifically bring it up--because attitudes towards it can range from confusion to downright hatefulness, & it's exhausting. At this point I just figure, if someone actually wants to get to know the most authentic me, they'll put effort into displaying that they're a trustworthy and nonjudgemental person. Nobody can know my identity but me, so when someone asks, what's important for me to know about your identity, it's a sign that they trust me to know myself & aren't going to enforce societal assumptions & stereotypes upon me. That's such a gift in my opinion, especially in an increasingly hostile world.
It's not about grammar. It's about figuring out how to co-create environments in which everyone can be safe to be themselves...& since everyone has a unique history and different needs, it's impossible to get it right initially 100% of the time...but I think continuing to try anyway is a worthy pursuit.
Maybe it's just the open and accepting communities I'm part of, but I've never seen anyone ask about pronouns in bad faith. And if it's part of a standard set of questions that they ask everyone, it's clearly not transphobic.
I don't doubt that it does happen, though. And of course, as with all transphobic actions, cis women are far more likely to be the target.
@DarlingNikkii For what it's worth, when I read "hairstyle", I only imagined short hair. No one specific came to mind. I think someone would have to dig into all the Pro's near the OP to have ever made a guess it could be you. 🧸 One would hope no one is that nosy.
I used to have short hair (like two inches long and fluffy), and it instantly changed how people talked to me. I immediately started getting asked if I had a boyfriend "...or girlfriend". I hated that the length of my hair would make anyone question who I was attracted to, it seemed utterly nonsensical and I was afraid of it causing men to assume I wasn't straight and not approach me.
I've since had every length of hair - down to my booty, and short again. I think it encourages us to learn to take the wheel a bit more with approaching men, which is fun, anyway. 😊
~ Sunset Snuggles
🫂 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Junkie 📷 Shutter Bug
Every word is made up, for what it's worth. Doesn't mean they don't have meaning and weight simply because the meaning has evolved over time or is a new term. I don't understand being offended by anyone trying to reach out with kindness and decency in hopes of understanding and healthy communication, regardless of the subject matter.
@SpicyNSweet I don't understand either, especially when they refuse to explain. But the refusal is its own kind of answer.
I think that although the majority of folks can't relate to having a non-standard gender identity, that everyone can relate to at some point having been the outsider somewhere, sometime. Maybe as the new kid at school or newbie at work or in an online gaming community or church or parent-group or sports league.
What did people say/do to make you feel welcome and safe? Or contrarily, did anyone say or do things that made it that much harder to feel like you could fit in/be accepted while still being yourself? How did that feel?
Getting the words right each time is going to be impossible, but I think the desire to be welcoming to all & staying humble about it goes a long way. We're all just humans trying to figure things out, but we're in this together--even if in some areas we're technically competing for resources, jobs, time, attention, etc...we're going to have a much better outcome if we can welcome differences & work as a team/have good sportsmanship about everything.
@SoftestCactus 💯, especially your first post.
For the context of the site, I assume that whatever someone's identity that is listed in their profile is what they prefer to be addressed as, so I don't know that I follow the logic of asking someone from the site what their pronouns are. I assume it's in the profile and that if it's not something already covered in the list of options they will include it in their about me section if this important to them
For me, anyone who gets offended by the concept of pronouns is an instant incompatibility. Asking for someone's pronouns is a common courtesy, ensuring that the asker is able to honor the askee's preferences and boundaries. It's no different than asking if a new person you meet has a preferred nickname, or if you may refer to them by first name or continue using title & surname.
Up until the concept of being trans got so completely politicized, people likely wouldn't have been offended by the question - puzzled, maybe, if it wasn't a concept they were familiar with, but likely not offended unless they already had some baggage around being misgendered.
People asking for pronouns is just them not assuming they know you without asking. In a community so heavily centered around consent and communication, you would think people would welcome others asking for consent on how to address & refer to you. 🤦🏻♀️ At this point, the only logical reason for someone to be offended by pronouns is because of transphobia. It's one thing to not care about them because they don't impact you, and quite another to be offended that they matter to others. It doesn't matter how accepting you think you are - if trans-inclusive language bothers you, that is a form of transphobia, and if you truly are an ally you'll work on unpacking that shyte.
That said, @YourFavoriteSir , as others have pointed out that this site's profile options regarding gender are pretty robust, so it'd be pretty safe to go by what they set there. However, if like me you prefer not to cuddle people who are transphobic, by all means keep asking - it's a great filtering tool and I sometimes use it as well.
Edit to add: I almost always ask pronouns of everyone, unless they explicitly state their gender or preferences somewhere....and sometimes I even ask then. If you're only asking when you're unsure, you're doing it wrong.
@pmvines yes
I ask questions to learn. I recently was talking to somebody that was new. I was given some advice in using binary descriptors. I then said I’m sorry I’m using just binary descriptors what are your personal pronouns. They thanked me for the question and said they would put them in their profile.
I don’t assume anything anymore and I don’t go by what I see. Life has changed so much since I grew up as a teenager and I try to keep up with everything to be polite to other people. I’m still learning new things in regards to addressing people. Most things I do is in order to be polite.
On the flipside of all that you cannot, please everyone. My intention is not to hurt, but to be polite. Some things people take personally that I may not even be thinking of or aware of, and I just don’t interact with that person anymore.
I also ask about scents and such especially with new people. They’re not what I would call Cuddle savvy, lol. Pros are different because they’ve most likely have been with more than a few people unless they knew themselves. A lot of it has to do with the date on the profile because some people are here a few weeks and become pros. So for me it’s safer to ask than assume. It’s gotten more thanks than admonishments. Actually I’ve gotten no admonishments. @YourFavoriteSir I would say keep your questions and this is a learning exercise. You’re not gonna please everyone and you’re not going to connect with everyone you meet. If you’re worried you did something wrong. I would say no because you’re not just asking one person. You’re not singling out one person you’re asking everybody the same thing. The ones who have acted negatively are not for you.
I think it's kind of strange to be upset by any questions. It's not like there's a gun to your head. Answer or don't answer.
The worst is when someone will go on a huge diatribe about some situation and I ask a question to kind of understand better and I get an angry "none of your business" response lol. Always think "why'd you bring it up then?". It's not like asking a question is a demand for an answer. I'm not your grade school teacher.
The biggest turn-off question is when I contact a pro and i put in the effort to write a crafted message saying hi, a quick sentence or two about me, and then stating I am interested in a possible session and they reply with a “Are you going to book”? This has happened maybe three times over the years but it is an instant guarantee that I won’t book. Effort met with zero effort is a red flag for me.
My adverbs are frighteningly, busily, and hopefully. They seem to cover a lot of ground descriptively.
@TheFunCartel I can see why they get upset but should honestly learn to deal with the rigors of being a freelance worker. Usually have to message a few cuddlers at least and ask some questions to see who is the best fit.
Many seem to feel that a contact should be automatic booking but that's not how it works.
Effort met with zero effort is a red flag for me.
Good way of putting it, @TheFunCartel
@TheFunCartel literally? Exactly that? Yikes
I think you should keep your questions.
Not everyone puts their preferred pronouns in their profile, especially if it is something different than their gender at birth but that doesn’t mean they won’t share if asked or don’t want you to know. I don’t put a lot of things on my profile for every curious kitten to look at. But if you ask me in a dm I’ll probably tell you.
Pronouns are not sexual in nature as someone else indicated. So there is nothing non platonic about asking. And as others suggested, the question will serve as a filtering tool on its own based on any offended responses you get to it. I have some statements on my profile that do a similar thing. 🤷♀️ Even if it’s not about the pronouns themselves, it shows you are someone who is an ally and thoughtful about the needs and identify expressions of others. These are green flags for me.
And as far as scents and fabrics, etc. I think they’re fine questions to ask. As an enthusiast if you came right out of the gate with those I would slow you down because I take a lot longer getting to know someone on here before we get to logistics like that. Those are things that can be adjusted as we get closer to the cuddle. There are a lot of other variables to sort through that might not be adjustable to see if we are compatible before we get to scents and clothing.
But I would also think to myself that they were thoughtful questions. I had a cuddler ask if I had allergies or any rescue meds they should know about which I thought was extremely thoughtful.
I don’t think there are a lot of questions I would find offensive. If I took something personally or as a critique and the other person clarified that it was not and just a generic question they ask, I would work to see it from their perspective and get over whatever particular wound had been activated for me in that moment. Sometimes easier said than done of course.
I generally say that you can ask me anything. I might not answer, maybe never or maybe just not early on. But I try not to be upset with the asking.
(I’d say the exception is if someone is being obviously inappropriate but since some people find the pronoun question inappropriate, I’d probably have to clarify a lot 🤷♀️)
@wilderdude it shouldn’t be used like a dating site either though and some guys do that. Lots of back and forth and then they never book because they just wanted to talk to somebody without paying anything. Not many in my experience, but some. Or they book a month out, talk a bunch and cancel last minute.
@LilyAnneNova yeah i can see that. unfortunate. should only take a message or two at the most to hammer things out, as far as availability, additional cost for travel, ideosyncrascies
Ignoring the kerfuffle above, the questions I can't stand come from other men, asking about cuddlers I've met. It would be one thing if the question were sincere and innocent, like... Does she eat babies?
But we all know exactly what they're asking about. I've reported violaters and made it clear in my profile, but a few still seem to think it's okay to ask "is she as hot in person?"
No. No, creep, she's got eleven eyes, seven arms, and smells like seaweed.
she's got eleven eyes, seven arms, and smells like seaweed
I'm sold. Seven arms sounds wonderful for cuddling.
One more arm and you're cuddling an octopus
I'm a sucker for octopuses.
@Myrddyn 😂
You are supporting autism awareness. Thank you
@LilyAnneNova I always struggle with the fine line between being friendly and trying to start conversations with pros and understanding that their time=money and if it’s not to book a session, that they will not respond. I try not to do it but I sometimes forget they are pros and that I shouldn’t make friends with them.
@trysdet hot af in tx. Making my way to Phoenix how bad is it out there?
@wiilderdude A measly 114F Phoenix . July is the hottest month of the year in Arizona. Texas plenty hot too I'm sure