Nix_Crystallum

Hey, I'm so sorry again for your terrible experience. I do struggle sometimes with initial scheduling but I'm really trying to get better; I have alarms now to remind me to check my messages, and I figured out that I was losing messages because they were getting pushed to the second page when new messages would come in and often times I didn't make it to the second page. It's hard to get through all the new messages in one sitting sometimes. Also, I am now off the hook for rides, so that won't be an issue for me going forward, but I apologize again that it was during our dealings. Admittedly, I do run behind much more often than most, but what you experienced was really excessive, even for me. I hope you can believe that I truly had every intention of meeting up with you; I'd have no reason to string you along. I may be terrible with time management, but I am always up front and honest. I'm aware that, to others, sometimes my real life sounds like I must be making stuff up. Seriously though, if I had any inkling that I was going to cancel before I actually did, I would have told you. Believe me, especially after all of your patience and flexibility, I felt downright mean to cancel. However, like I said at the time, something inside me, my inner being perhaps, started telling me that I shouldn't go through with the session as it was. I think it was probably just because it was a car cuddle (which I haven't done before), compounded by the fact that it was at night. Either way, it's totally on me because I could have just not agreed to do it, in that setting and/or at that time, in the first place. Though honestly, when I did agree, I didn't think that I was going to have any qualms with it. Or, maybe it wasn't that; sometimes, with gut feelings, it's hard to tell. Maybe it was because I was exhausted from all the scheduling conflits, nausea, my slow leak tire that's constantly underinflated, and/or the overall feeling of being a failure at life because I hate that my struggles can sometimes result in me letting people down. 100% honesty - maybe it's TMI, or maybe it's something I should put in my profile - I am neurodivergent. I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspected level 1 ASD. That suspicion is based on my qEEG biomarker results, along with my past diagnoses of depression, anxiety, and BPD. Also taking into account that, in recent years, many women with a history of those particular comorbidities, who don't experience the defining psycosis aspect of BPD (which I don't), are now being re-diagnosed with ASD. Notably, I received all my diagnoses before mainstream psychiatry even recognized that ADHD and ASD could be comorbid..... That may have been an unnecessarily in-depth explanation, but it's my attempt to explain that I'm not just an inconsiderate POS; unfortunately this is me, trying my best. I get easily overwhelmed with basic shit (stuff that's NBD, or at least easily manageable, for neurotypical people), and/or/especially my subpar bodily homeostasis. Stress isn't a great headspace for the pro in a cuddle session. Regardless, I know I came off as a grade A, A-hole for canceling after everything, due to my own BS. Whether the cause was my physical reality, psychology, or both, it was understandably upsetting that it panned out that way. Ultimately, although on an interpersonal level, it legitimately pained me to do so, I had to be authentic to myself and go with my instinct. I am who I am, and it is what it is. I know it's lost value at this point, but I am really, really sorry. I can only hope you have much better experiences with other cuddlers in the future ♡