Am I being a jerk?

I have it clearly stated in my profile, if you want a response from me, say something interesting about yourself.

I'm guessing at least 85% of the first messages I get are something like, "Hi. How are you?"

I refrain from replying with a snarky answer. Most of the time I don't answer at all.

Did they read my profile? Because if they did and they didn't get the message that I'm expecting them to get to know me by starting an actual conversation, then they have miserably poor reading comprehension skills. And if they didn't, they have no business sending me a message until they do.

Am I being a jerk? I'm sorry, but these stupid non-messages make me cranky and I just want to tell them to buzz off.

Guys, if you want a response from a woman, send a message worth responding to.



  • @Babichev you are not being a jerk at all

  • Not at all. I think that is a perfectly reasonable request. Sometimes it's hard to get a conversation going off just that little greeting.

  • I'm finding that a large portion of the fellows just don't know how. I end up coaching them. Some flee, some are grateful for the guidance.

  • Ima second what @littermate said. Outside of Cc, I’ve had this similar situation where folks if they have read that request, they still had a hard time coming up with something interesting to say. Sometimes it helps to post ideas. I would list some of my interests and they usually start there with one of the things.

  • I think part of the problem is that guys have to send out an enormous number of messages just to get any response. To compose a large number of original, interesting, and sincere messages targeted at an individual is a great deal of work and for very little reward. So I would not blame any guy for keeping messages short and simple, and saying something like "please look at my profile for further details about me". That being said, I don't think you are being a jerk since everyone is entitled to set their own standards of expected behaviour.

  • It makes me sad to think about all the situations you must have endured to write such a defensive profile. I've been single most my life. I feel like I spend a fair amount of time in early stage relationships dealing with fear as the result of my partner's crazy stories about guys. Somehow in all this craziness you've managed to attract cuddles, friends and glowing karma. That's not the result of jerkishness at all. It's an up front and honest request of what you expect based on your past experience.

    I tend toward superficial interaction early on. It gives me time to check a person's sanity with little or no involvement. It also sends a message to my potential cuddle partner that they don't have to concern themselves with having to be anything they're not. I don't care if they are smart, dumb, interesting, dull, or any if the rest of it. I'm here seeking comfort and contentment for myself and my cuddle companion. If we end up gut laughing or having tons in common all the better, but it's not a requirement.

  • I get it that some guys are burned out. However, in most cases these are guys who have just joined the site. In this last case, his profile says he joined this month. At least his profile is filled out. Lots of time there's no info on their profile, either, which leaves me a bit suspicious about their motives.

    I just find myself thinking dude, did you actually read my profile?

    Perhaps I should answer with, "Thanks. Tell me more about yourself," and see what they do with that.

  • @Babichev I'm so there with you. I've gotten a lot of that too. I think sometimes the suspicion is warranted and sometimes it's just that they don't really know how to do it. They can be somewhat relationally challenged and totally not get what it takes to communicate to a nonpro woman (or any woman for that matter) about cuddling with her. They get on and are like, cool, yay, let's cuddle, how 'bout it?

    And no, they probably didn't read your profile all the way through. They just saw that you were near them and wanted to be close to your body.

    I love that idea. I might use it myself! :)

  • A short opening message might be justified, if the person hadn't been logged on for a long time ; so they are either inactive, or have perhaps changed their mind about what they want. In that case, a short reply is good.

    I think of the profile, as like the Ts&Cs of a contract or website ; which might take a long time to read, but also might have important nuggets of information. For instance, most theme parks say you can be photographed / videoed, and that be used in their advertising.
    I figure that if someone has something in their profile, then it is important to them ; and respect and boundaries, are all about considering the effect of our actions on others. We might be forgiven for not guessing what someone wanted / didn't want, but can't be forgiven for not reading it.

    Such profile-ignorers ( or boundary-pushers ), should imagine an otherwise-ideal cuddler turning up with a huge open bowl of peanuts to share ; when your profile said you were severely allergic to them.
    I'm still waiting for the profile by PrayingMantis, "I like to eat my partner after cuddling, please leave Karma while the oven is warming up".

  • @geoff1000 I want to make a formal plea for you to widen your age range to include me and @Babichev. You have no idea what you're missing in the crop of women with birth years proximal to yours.

  • edited December 2019

    Hey guys, here is an interesting opening:

    Hi, I was on track to take over the world until I hit puberty and discovered cuddling. For this you are the beneficiary. And now, for a limited time only, you can have free hugs included with your spooning if you respond when you read this message. Use code FUNCARTEL at checkout.

    If they respond back with something like “you are full of yourself” I eliminate them for not having intelligence enough to see it was tongue-in-cheek, and for not having a sense of humor. Make your message into a screening tool.

  • @littermate
    I probably should, maybe I'm being deliberately narrow as an "avoidance" mechanism. Forum chat is like virtual tightrope walking, not quite as risky as the real thing.
    I am gradually widening my scope though, I recently deleted the requirement, "must be a one-legged ballerina, who has visited Mars".

  • [Deleted User]loveandsky (deleted user)

    Well, phooey @geoff1000 I have a lady friend who is a double-amputee - and while she is not a ballerina, her personality tells me there may be a "Mars" stamp on her passport! (I'm not making any of this up). So if you widen out to "no-legged, Mars-loving non-ballerina" and visit Atlanta, let me know. She'd probably love to meet you!

  • I think you ARE, one has to start somewhere, maybe they are nervous, maybe you are the very 1st. that they ever contacted-??. I find it very rude not to reply back, that's just my 2 cents worth.
    I guess I'm just old school, so glad of it, I was taught to treat everyone with respect.

  • [Deleted User]loveandsky (deleted user)
    edited December 2019

    All good points.

  • @Babichev - Though I understand your frustration, my experience is different. I've never received anything other than a one-liner as a first message, yet, many of those openings grew into deep conversations. Two thoughts on this: If I'm in public meeting someone, I'm not likely to begin a conversation with "Hi, I'm Douglas. I've traveled internationally and visited more than 30 states in the US; now tell me something interesting about yourself." The other thought is that my introductory message is just to get your attention so that you will at scan my profile "Introduction" and decide if you'd like to engage in a conversation.

    On the other hand, I usually do start my communications with a comment on something I read on a person's profile. If their profile is sparse I lead with that . . . "Hi, I notice that you haven't filled out your profile but you're nearby and I'd like to learn more about you. Please check out my profile and let me know if you'd like to converse."

    The differentiator here is that I receive only a handful of messages from new contacts on a good week whereas I imagine you're fielding many messages per day and need a screening method.

  • edited December 2019

    @Babichev Us guys have better luck sending generic messages to females, when you start making unique messages and put much though into it that becomes a waste of time. If the girl is into you she will reply no matter what you say and also guys are not going to read whole profiles girls like to write essays no point in reading paragraphs when theres a big chance she won't reply lol. Thats just how it is its basically a numbers game.

  • @UKGuy you brought up some great points

  • @Babichev I think that just because I open with Hi, how are you , doesn’t necessarily mean I didn’t read your profile . It often for me, means I’m waiting to see if I’ll get an actual response back, so that I know the person is allowing me to attempt an actual conversation and comment on something ... Also , even at this age, I’m still learning communication . If a person can’t simply say , hi back, it tells me they weren’t going to respond to any more interesting comments anyway, so why would I have wasted my words.

  • edited December 2019

    @Babichev I dont think are a jerk but I think you are being unrealistic and unappreciative. Change your perspective. I personally have been on this site a year and have gotten no cuddles or messages other than pros wanting my money. I have seen many threads and post lamenting a similar lack of activity. I personally have sent many messages with descriptions of me and my interests and referenced commonality with specifics from their profile. Spent a good amount of time showing my character and dedication to the request that they also made about saying more than "hey whats up" and I get back a response "thanks"

    Whatever shoulder shrug

    Two points: 1) Ya'll are just as lazy and give us no more. :)
    2) You are getting activity directed your way and you have Karma so You have cuddled. Dont be mad.
    Change your perspective, Many would trade for your level of activity.

  • I'm actually a bit overwhelmed when someone sends a novel about themselves, but I don't ask for that in my profile, so when it comes out of nowhere, it's TMI. I liken it to sitting at a coffee shop - if someone came and shared their whole world with me without saying hello, it would be odd. I like simple things like "You're near me or I'm going to be near you on travel, you want to get to know each other a little and see if we might be cuddle-compatible?"

    My favorite approach is when someone says something simple, like comments on my photo, or my profile, or even better, comments on my forum participation. I had someone want to snuggle me recently just for my forum comments. Two thumbs up! I also like humor.

  • "One morning they woke up different. Done with trying to figure out who was with them, against them, or walking down the middle because they didn't have the guts to pick a side. They were done with anything that didn't bring them peace. They realized that opinions were a dime a dozen, validation was for parking and loyalty wasn't a word but a lifestyle. It was this day that their life changed. And not because of a man or woman or a job but because they realized that life is way too short to leave the key to their happiness in someone else's pocket." - Author unknown

  • edited December 2019

    I'm guessing at least 85% of the first messages I get are something like, "Hi. How are you?"

    I refrain from replying with a snarky answer. Most of the time I don't answer at all.

    I wonder how many diamonds you passed by cuz you would not look past the dirty carbon on the outside.


  • [Deleted User]mattcuds (deleted user)

    If I'm being honest, I do think you're being unfair.
    I understand wanting to talk to the guy to ensure the feeling of safety, but a lot if guys will think what's the point? This is a cuddling website.. let's cuddle:) that being said guys who say "hi" should be ignored.. but just because he doesn't tell you about himself should not in my mind stop you from at least responding.. I mean after everything you guys are just going to cuddle and move on.. very rare any kind if relationship develop

  • Interesting is subjective. What you find interesting, others may find boring. So asking for someone to send something interesting, not knowing what you find interesting, is kinda counter productive.

  • @mattcuds FYI many of us. do want to (and do) create cuddle buddy relationships beyond just cuddling and moving on.

  • [Deleted User]mattcuds (deleted user)

    @littermate .. ok but you have to agree the vast majority is the opposite. And you get that message from pro cuddlers too. If you got that its definitely rare but amazing:)

  • @mattcuds "I do think you're being unfair. I understand wanting to talk to the guy to ensure the feeling of safety, but a lot of guys will think what's the point?"

    That's because a guys' main concern revolves around rejection. Women's main concern is assault or worse.

  • [Deleted User]Snugglewithme80 (deleted user)

    I have a question for the original poster. What if you were to make first contact, would you be able to come up with something witty or interesting every single member you contacted?

    I've sent polite and well written messages about interests or just cuddling to dozens of people on here and don't even get a visit to my profile or if do get a response some will reply back with "Hey" so while "Hi . How are you?" isn't original or very interesting it breaks the ice and can build a genuine conversation from there.

  • I remember I had a job that would make each new employee state something interesting about themselves. I always found out kind of awkward. I remember one man responded about how much he loved popsicles. And many were confused if that meant something other than popsicles.

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