@dave31415 serious or sarcasm? this ex-wife doesn’t want that job anymore. I don’t want someone to expect me to read their mind. I would, however, be willing to hold space and listen to what someone wants to express (as long as they are not blaming me for everything). I’ll own what is mine if they own what is theirs.
Pretty much sums it up. One of my mentors when I was growing up was a psychologist and the 90s had a big self-help movement. I consider myself fairly in-tuned w myself - I meditate, I'm a good listener, I read self-help books, and I've had two therapists and three life coaches in my lifetime.
I'm a pretty good listener and I'm there for a lot of people if they need me: 24/7. But, nobody has my back at my lowest moment; yes, I have a good relationship with my parents currently and my best friends love me (but they're too busy w their careers, marriage, or family).
If the stuff hits the fan, it's all me. On occasion , if I am dating someone or seeing a therapist, then there's that- but when I'm not, it's 100% me and I accept that, and don't complain about it. I've become a pillar and I help others.
*Edit : In high school and college, this was a different story. Everyone was innocent and open and available and in close proximity, if not going through a similar experience- we developed camaraderie. Now, there are social things to acquire, material things , and personal and professional ambitions to seek- that's what most people spend their free time seeking. In the end, very few people have the time to call me even once a month and sometimes barely once a year- there are people I do speak w regularly and I am always seeking to make new friends or connections... but it's a process and it's not laid out for me like when I was in school. I don't feel sorry about it or sulk - it is what it is and I take what I can to make a happy life.
@snugbuddy What you said. The only job I want in that list is mowing. I'm glad I don't have to do the other ones and I'm glad I could not be drafted.
I'm glad things have changed and women are coming nearer to being treated equally. As for myself, I could have been satisfied with a good husband and a full-time easy desk job. I wish the equal rights act? had been passed back in the day. I sure hope someone will express their disappointment with my post. I want to feel like it's a normal day. I'm just teasing y'all.
Carry on.
Letting your guard down as a man is not advisable.
I wouldn’t say that it’s everyone who goes through it but there is a large amount of people that feel that it’s no one that is there for them as I am in the 50-50 in that category where I come from a family that tells me to get over it and suck it up or give me the sarcastic “oh you poor baby” just for me to feel even more alone. Literally that’s what I do more than anything I literally put on a smile and act a certain way just so I can at least get a reaction out of certain family members as I honestly don’t care at this point what kind of reaction I get because after so long of seeing the good the bad the ugly the most miserable people…. I’m tired….. when I found this site I thought that it was just going to be a pay scam and I’m glad it’s not.
@Poetictechno001 I can relate to that, even tho I am a woman. While my family was worrying about my depressed aunt, I was so depressed at one time that my doc asked me if I was suicidal. It's good I don't consider my family's support essential. And this site is legit and great
Theres no point in arguing your really just arguing with yourself instead of the problem.
@snugbuddy one of the main reasons you do not see more women in non traditional careers is that many of them are steeped in sexism and it takes a tough women with excellent mentors to overcome that.
Many of these type of occupations are not very flexible with hours or extended absences for maternity or raising young children.
You are more likely to see a women give up her dreams to keep balance/peace in a household.
Men are just as capable to do the at home child care and running of the house but usually you will not see men willing to take on such obligations.
I have 28 years now in a very male dominated industry and work in one of the most demanding and exclusive segments.
I out earn and can out work many men in my field that are half my age.
I make it a point to mentor anyone male or female anyone who wants to get into my specialized segment of the industry.
One day I will not be able to do the work anymore and I hope there are people who are safe and dedicated to the industry as I have been.
People don't have to to accept it but it doesn't change the reality that it is still mostly men that do the construction, infrastructure, maintenance/utility jobs. If I'm wrong in that I'll admit it but it doesn't seem to be the case.
@TNNative partners expecting each other to be mind readers is probably the most infuriating part of dating. If a partner is ignoring someone who's obviously sad about something that's different and seems unsupporting.
@KYtransplant It’s great that you’re outearning men for the work you do, if you’re doing good work that’s how it should be. Also awesome that you’re willing to mentor men and not just women despite women being under represented. I’ve seen work environments go from Boys only clubs to girls only clubs depending on what the majority gender is (yes women get pretty toxic to men if they are the majority too). But even in the most progressive of societies there is still this huge gap in what types of jobs genders are deciding to go for. Perhaps it will change more down the line. And I don’t think that society is currently at a place where men are valued for their home-keeping abilities - men looking to marry women as stay at home dads are probably going to have a rough time finding any takers. Dating gender roles seem to lag behind other changes in societal norms, though I wonder if some biological/instinctual thing is more at play here.
@sunnysideup There are so many differences in roles and achievements and statistics between men and women; but I don't think it's fruitful to make it seem like a competition. Bc then we can add:
Things will have their social and professional norms, but I think it's reading too much into them if we always look at genetics as the primary factor, or that "one gender is more dominant." The contrast can make things interesting imo.
SMH that there are men out there still telling women what they will or won’t like as a career. And I know of a guy that has raised a son and a daughter all by himself and I think there are guys on the boards that have done it. Gender typing for careers is sooo 20th Century and sexist.
I hire a therapist and professional cuddlers specifically so that I can open up. I've had too many betrayals when I opened up in friendships or relationships -- they'll either make light of my traumatic experiences or use them for maximum emotional injury when they eventually feel like hurting me.
Society says men should open up more, but that's how you get gutted.
@zerocantaloupe I like your username and what you said has the clear ring of truth in it. I'm sorry you've had to go thru that. @sunnysideup @cylee1180 Good points made. @KYtransplant I admire you so much. With more opportunities and support I would have tried to be a person like you.
I admire women who go out and seize opportunities despite something being “male dominated”. It demonstrates enormous character and strength. More so than wanting a husband so one can take an easy desk job or not work at all. I mean if that’s what women like that want that’s fine, but I have a hard time respecting someone that surrenders their life to another and relies on them for so much. That smacks of indentured servitude. I am of course, not talking about those who have children, as that is a different set of circumstances.
It has taken a long period of mourning, but I've made peace with the harsh fact that women who give me the time of day only do so because they want something from me. Hiring a professional cuddler at least makes it honest that I'm only getting the illusion of a woman caring about me as a human being.
@zerocantaloupe Why do you think women only give you any time when they want something? What do you think the cause is?
I’m apparently physically repulsive and have led an unbalanced life that makes it difficult for me to talk about “normal” things. Social anxiety doesn’t help.
Have you sought help? Social anxiety is treatable.
Yeah, I’ve seen therapists for over a decade and I take medication. But I almost wish I didn’t because I wasn’t prepared for how used I got. The only positive out of it all was my daughter.
When you say used…used how?
I didn’t know about this until after the divorce, but my wife was bragging about my income to the bridal party, saying that she would never have to work again and that this was “true feminism.”
She love-bombed me for four years and then almost immediately became emotionally abusive after the wedding.
I have full custody of my daughter and my wife has thanked me on multiple occasions for taking care of her so she could pursue her “true ambitions.”
A woman in college also acted like she wanted me in order to get help on her senior design project. Once she passed, she fell off the face of the earth.
I sometimes think my social anxiety (obtained via trauma) was an evolutionary response attempting to protect me from sociopaths, and that I defied the wisdom of nature by trying to remove it.
Wow. I understand what you are talking about. You may be on to something there about social anxiety being a shield. When I was in grad school I took Russian because a second foreign language was required. The lady who taught it was born and raised in Moscow during the Cold War and she got out but her parents did not because they were scientists. Anyhow, she wanted help with her PhD dissertation and I told her I teach as well and didn’t really have time even though she intrigued me so much. Long story short she offered me free Russian lessons above and beyond the class so I could test out of it. Bartering works. Always attach strings until you know them really well.
I thought I could detect and stop the long con after the first one by vetting for many years, but the con just gets longer…
The statement about strings is why I prefer the straightforward simplicity of “I’ll pay you money to hold me and pretend you care about me for a few hours.” At least then I’m only out a hundred bucks or so if they are a sociopath.
You have some bad luck or you are sending out vibes that sociopaths pick up on on. I have only met one and I dropped her when I was 20 because she stabbed me. No it wasn’t a fight. I was walking away from her because I wanted to go out and she didn’t so I said ok stay here then. Stabbed me. Stupid thing is I went to the hospital and the cops came and talk about a cliché—I said I tripped and fell on a garden hoe. They did not believe me-especially since i couldn’t produce one-but I wouldn’t give her up to them.
I suck at lying.
@zerocantaloupe when I read through your earlier replies I was thinking you must have been targeted by a narcissistic.
I have too. It is something that if one hasn't been through it is almost impossible to explain the long term emotional damage and reoccurring brain scramble that fucks with your self worth.
I have several very good books and resources if you would like to PM me for them.
You are not alone in your struggles. Some of us just hide our damage to present a whole image to the world that we feel would eat us alive if they saw how wounded we really are.
Yeah @KYtransplant could be spot on. The love bombing is a dead give away.
Pretty much yea. Unless you have a good support system or at least one person you can trust who won't judge you, it's a very "man-up" kind of life where you have to just deal with it on your own. I have people I talk to about some things but not all things. Not anymore. Even cuddling doesn't fill that space, but it definitely helps.
I’ve had some people I know fall to this. I agree that the Love bombing can be seen from miles away. But I wonder, if it had been happening to me, if I’d be blind to it.
@sunnysideup The male ego makes men a target for it and I think when I was young I would have never known it as I was being bombed. Now days, I run.