@zerocantaloupe Thanks for posting that
Way back in the early days of this thread, I got a message shortly after my first comment. At the time it was eating at me enough that I had to walk away from it. I mean, I wanted to respond, I just couldn't bring myself to. But now I've had distance and I'm not feeling as rocked by my reality, so here goes...
In repose to my posting, "I'm not a guy, but that's my answer too... Nobody." I recieved the following private message:
"You're far too sweet for this to be the case, I demand you reach out at once! hugs You deserve care and support, too."
I'm certain this person is coming from a place of supporting kindness. However, I not only don't see myself as "sweet" I don't have "at once" people in my life I can reach out to when I'm at a major low.
I mean, I know there are people who would be really disappointed if I ended things, and they've said to reach out if/when spiraling. And yet, I don't. I can't really verballize when I'm in that state, but even if I could... Even if I could take all that's weighing on me and have it make sense... for a number of reasons, I wouldn't.
I don't want to hear myself go on about things that are trivial non-issues to others and I don't want to hear them struggle for what to say. I don't want to be fake and tell them they're helping, or to struggle with knowing in those moments of intensity it's only this way for me (thar they won't really get it).
But even if they did, I don't want me and my issues to be another's burden. I don't want them to pity me. I don't want them to tell me how if I just did ____ things would improve. And I don't want to hear their encouragement cut through the noise right as I'm considering an exit.
More than all that though, I don't want to catch them off guard and for them to feel obligated to provide me with something they didn't offer in the moment.
Plus, it wouldn't be enough and it wouldn't last. Eventually they'll need to go and they'll take their efforts with them. And because I know I'd still be broken and have that fresh slash of pain and discomfort to process through (along with everything else too), I just do what I've always done... and tell nobody.
My heart aches reading that.
Whats my reality again?
Perception of lowest is different for everyone. I keep things in perspective and fortunately have never had a “lowest” in about 25-30 years. I work with sick people all the time and love what I do. Always happy to listen and help others.
@Dragonskin. In my own personal experience, I have found that compassion can be a powerful antidote for despair.
@quixotic_life. I also often seek solitude when I’m having a hard time and often find it healing. I also respect it when my “important people” need space or want to be left alone. In those cases, I show my love to them by respecting their wishes.
While I also don’t want to burden others, it pleases me to be able to show my love by listening and understanding what’s going on with them. I also appreciate the effort when others do the same. Even if it doesn’t make me feel better, it does provide me with evidence that I’m not alone and unloved and sometimes I need to wrap my brain around that fact.
https://old.reddit.com/r/army/comments/xsni2v/can_i_have_a_hug_broke_me/
"I'm gonna start an ambulance over to us, okay?" "I can't afford that"